Need to write more

But I know that’s not gonna happen, because for the longest time, I’ve been told to shut thee hell up, no one cares, blah blah blah fucking blah.
That’s fine, I can understand where they come from, and yet I still don’t care, I mean, to a certain extent I do, but for the most part, I really don’t.

I thought that by cowing down to others demands/expectations, and wants, desires that I’d be more appreciated, on one form or another, but really, it just turned into a gradual mess of bullshit drama. you know how it goes.
“Don’t talk about Danyelle!”
Why not? she affected me in major ways, so inspiration is had where it’s had, not like it matters much anymore, if we enter each others orbit again, we enter each other orbit, merely passing by each other and not really much else.
“Don’t talk about what’s going on with you!”
Yeah, no, fuck that, I don’t really have many folks I can actually let loose with, so this is kind of my only option, so updates and what not are kind of needed, especially when other things are popping up, it’s not like anyone’s barging down going “HEY! TALK TO ME!” Or that kind of mess, you know?
Not to mention the constant fucking interruptions that’ve disrupted a majority of my creative projects for years at a time to the point where it’s kind of hard to pick up where I left off on certain books because I have abso-fucking-lutely no idea where the fuck I left off, not to mention some stories are only available on certain programs which I have no idea where I put the last save file or archive location, it becomes a bit of a hassle to track all that down, especially when I’ve got a shit ton of random places that i’ve stored a bunch of things and that becomes a headache all it’s own, nor the fact that certain recordings, vids, pics, are extremely temper-mental, so I can’t risk moving those items around or they’d pretty much self combust and there goes that piece of history.

“Don’t talk about family!”
“Don’t talk about work!”
“Don’t talk about friends!”
“Don’t talk about life!”
“Don’t talk about yourself!”
“Don’t talk about anything! Just focus on working, sleeping, and doing what I tell you!”

First off, fuck all that noise because this is pretty much how I get my shit off my fucking chest, secondly, no matter fucking what, I’ve got a lot of shit going on in my life that’s more or less bothering me, so why the hell wouldn’t I, as a man, need someplace to vent my frustrations?
While yeah, some may see it as attention seeking, pity me, blah blah blah, the fact of the matter is that no matter what your views are, you’d be hard pressed to be bullshitting yourself to fuck around the comments section like that.
For a long ass time, I’ve just been silent because of some of the shit I’ve been through, or the risk of an awkward as fuck moment that it’s just eh, whatevs.
At this point, with no one to really talk to that wouldn’t result in me getting ranted at for one reason or another, it just means I need to build myself back to where I was, because hey! No one’s gonna prop up my mood except myself, and I already know for a fact that if people read, they’re just going to read a few words and pop off, so it’s not really my concern how far down the rabbit hole they go, and there for, it’s not really my concern what actually gets revealed.
People tend to make things worse off than they actually, are.
this is the High Desert, no one really cares, we’re so busy trying not to fuck up our own shit that we really don’t care that much about other shit going on at the moment.
And I chose this format because, A) It’s boring, it’s not really attractive, and more often then not, people will only read if there’s something interesting to be learn.
B) I need to get back into this. Where else can I post my thoughts and slowly drain the dilluge of stupid bullshit that’s been building up for so very long? there’s a reason I took so long to get back into this, and more or less because there was always some kind of idiocy surrounding every post.
You know how there are people out there supporting your idea and others that’ll tear it down because they don’t like how you’re going about it? So they’ll talk you down, freeze those fires, and in general, do everything they possibly can to get you to stop, because it’s affecting how they go about their own days?
And the thing you’re doing, has absolutely nothing to do with them, you just started doing it because you found it interesting, and they just put up wall after wall after wall, and eventually, you just stop actually caring about it and figure its easier to give up that passion because then the headaches, the fighting, the arguments, the dumbassery will stop.
So it goes with everything, friendships, relationships, jobs, going out, buying food, getting stuff for yourself, so on and so forth, until you’re so overly paranoid about doing anything that you’d stop yourself from ever experiencing that sense of personal joy ever again, because you figure, the less you actually have going on, the less they have to complain about and then they complain about you not going and doing the things you gave up doing to stop them from complaining about.
So why bother limiting yourself based on the opinions of other people?

As long as what you’re doing isn’t hurting anyone, isn’t illegal, and both you and others are benefitting from it, why bother trying to please other people, because some people just don’t want to be fulfilled, sometimes there are certain percentages of people who live to be critical of others, even if they themselves don’t want to admit it, so to those that constantly fuck about the business of others without realizing their shit smells and tastes like shit themselves, kindly fuck yourself.

The rest of y’all are cool. It’s going to take me a while to boop to current events, because it’s always a slow ramping up to that kind of speed again, just how it goes, you know?

huh

Well, shits fucked up, the SCOTUS has pissed off half the population of the country by taking away abortion rights, and that’s kind of trippy.
I mean, yeah, one of the off shoots of this is that women are going to be WAY more carfeful with having sex, and there’s going to be a lot of backlash against men, and of course the SCOTUS is going to have to deal with a shit ton of protests and attempts to over turn this.
I mean, let’s face it, we ain’t in the darkest timeline, yet here we are, constantly at arms with our own sense of “How we fuck is up to the government.”
But for more or less, shits messed up, and dating’s going to get a lot weirder because of this, it’s almost more messed up then it actually needs to be, and all because Trump thought he was going to be POTUS for life.
this isn’t anything new, but it’s just history repeating itself and there’s the rub, right?
Surely there’s gotta be a better way, but as we continue to devolve into the whole “Our country is falling apart” mentality, and since a majority of my followers on this page are from Nigeria, it’s a bit strange. It really is, not having a follower base in your own country, because how do I make this relevant?
I can’t, because I’m out of the loop, but that don’t matter, y’all are probably laughing your asses off watching our country fall into a state of ruin, or not, I dunno anymore, my sense of justice by this whole thing and more has been kinda fucked, I’ve raged and ranted, and said some stupid shit over the years, and really, where’s that gotten me?

There really isn’t much else to say about this whole thing, because what actually is there to really say about it? I could try some filler, but there’s not a whole lot going on, I could talk about Danyelle, but why bother doing that?
I could talk about Amazon and the good ol days, but really, I think I’ve moved on a little, and while yeah, love is love, love without physical presence is something that’s akin of saying I love you to a ghost, somehow the words just don’t mean as much as they should, and whatever memory of the joy once felt is replaced by the monotony of the same old shit happening day after day, and it breaks into that whole, “Well, today is the same as yesterday, and that didn’t work out, so why bother waiting forever for someone that just doesn’t have that courage to get close to me?”

time’s passed, and while yeah, there’s still an attachment there, harping on the way things were, doesn’t do any of us any good, just brings to light the flaws and imperfections that were focused on, and how the approaches on both sides were flawed beyond measure. Signs were shown, messages were received, but action wasn’t taken and that’s where things got in the way.

But, like I said, moved on, thought about that whole thing, and had a lot of anger at myself, at her, at everyone involved, and at the company itself, but mainly dating culture.
I can’t tell you how many nights I spent in a VR paint program just venting furiously away through my art every thought I had, good, bad, ugly, how much time and energy was drained just working my way through things till I hit a point where I stopped to consider what I was mad at.

I was mad at myself for not trusting what was right in front of me, mad at my sense of loss and letting my level of loneliness over take me, I let my past flood over me like a tidal wave and lead me into a sense of despair, I let people take advantage of my kind nature and I got less then nothing in return. I spent so much time doing what I thought was the right thing that I never stopped to consider what was right for myself.
I had forgotten to love myself and locked away my own passions because it had losti t’s meaning, the anxiety and anxious energy that drove most of my creativity in recording tracks became a toxic reminder of the root of my creations.

the longing for a woman that played games with me, and won everything and took more from me. So I focused only on myself, retreating, letting connections fade, letting people go, letting my anger and frustration go, letting my past fade away.
Still she made attempts to contact me, I entertained them, and straight up told every profile that I wasn’t sending them money, I wasn’t interested in OF pages, or sugarmommas, or whatever they were bringing to the table.

I began work on myself and through Tarot readings I gained a deeper understanding of my place in the universe, and there lie that kernel of truth amongst the pile of shit lies I had been fed by others, that while love was there, it would always be beyond my reach, it’d be beyond my ability to provide and I started letting it go and telling each attempt that in turn.
I isolated myself, and began ignoring the pics of hot women or attempts to get my interest with poorly written messages that irked my personal pet peeves, and I no longer really feel much.
I used to be more reactive, more emotional, more entertaining to people, but by focusing only on negativity and not allowing moments of brief brevity to come into play, it changed me into something else mindset wise.
I don’t want to say wiser, because I don’t feel any smarter than I normally do, and I don’t feel like I’m in a better spot, because I’m still where I was four years ago, at home, starting to learn the basics of a new job, and getting to know people.
I’m letting myself be more open to talking to women, not really letting myself fall for anything because as soon as love is mentioned, it’s only a matter of time before the issue of buying them something or sending money to them is mentioned. And there’s something inherently off about that.

While I do love black women, I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong in that area, maybe there are still things I need to learn, or find a better set of qualities to look for in a woman, like… chemistry, I dunno anymore. At this point, it’s even hard to say I was ever engaged to someone that rejected my advances, turned down a rose, and turned down a ring when offered one. Maybe it was my approach or my way of thinking, or being stubborn, or constantly being harsh on myself, and indirectly, her as well.

But i’m in a much better place now, new job, new setting, new city, learning the ropes and staying focused on myself. I don’t think the way I used to, I don’t get angry at possibilities that really aren’t there, I don’t really do much, i just take things day by day and hope for the best.
I do a good job, and that’s pretty much all that actually matters, but I’m trying to not get so lost in work that I avoid the more important things, and while yeah, I want to find love, until I can get passed my fear of rejection and the trauma that wrecked my self confidence so much, I think I’m just going to enjoy floating down this lazy river in a boat with no paddles and whoever pops into my life that wants me, cool, if they don’t, also cool.

Getting back on topic, Roe V Wade getting overturned has a deeper wound that everyone realizes. This country has been headed towards another Civil war for quite sometime, and there’s not much we can do to avoid it, things, while peaceful in this country, as much as they have been, have let the underlying social issues and the toxicity it’s been breeding and meander where it will, and this was the correct fuse needed to finally get that great and terrible slumbering giant awake again.
It sucks, but history always repeats itself, and the level of insanity on the subconscious level this countries been going through has been at the tipping point for a while.

The United States is in the process of a much needed growth spurt, and the ways it’s growing are both painful and somewhat needed, and more or less pitiful. Between politics, corruption, the constant back and forth, the arguing, the belligerence, racism, mass shootings, gender fluidity explosion, bad presidents, the ever growing level of cynicism and infighting in families, the evolution of the weight that social media and its various stars have on our decision making, the focus on ultimately unimportant celebrities, the constant obsession with cookie cutter reality programming, the cut and paste plot arcs, and the struggling to figure out what exactly will satiate this penultimate level of boredom?
The answer was the one thing we mostly protest and find most abhorrent: Violence against our most vulnerable, our most upheld, our weakest, our passions and the things that make us unique.

The LGBTQ+ community isn’t railed against time and time again because of the fact they’re in a whole category of love we as straight people can’t fathom, it’s that it’s different, and unknown, and that scares the ever loving fuck out of the less educated among us, who are used to the cut an dry, the heavily ordered sense of right and left, fact and fiction, and it pissed them off, so they try their dimmest to hammer things back into place as they’re used to it.
But no matter how hard they try, they just can’t, and they gradually are forced to get used to things, just how it goes.

We as a people are easily bored, and when things get too complacent, something extraordinarily wrong needs to happen to rile up that subconscious need for violence against a common enemy, in this case, the overturning of Roe V Wade, the right to an abortion, and so we are seeing the vines and blossoms of yet another revolution, another evolution of our society, one that seems to the unjust and uneducated like the crying of a toddler that has just had its favorite toy yanked away mid nap straight from their clutches.
To us, who have grown accustomed to that right, teen girls, women in their early adult years, and those who still have the ability to give birth or are advocates for the right to choose, the removal is something akin to having a basic fundamental understanding ripped from society with no backup plan in place.
women have fought long and hard for society to understand the concept of “This life is growing inside of me, I am not ready for this, but I retain the right to choose whether or not to carry this life to term, this is my body, my choice, not yours.” and just when they seem to have gotten that idea planted in, it’s ultimately destroyed.

So why?
Easy, the SCOTUS saw the way things were headed and took away the dam that held back that pent up aggression that’d been boiling over for quite some time, they saw your posts, your Killallmen movement, they witnessed the toxic attitudes you were developing, and saw the movement with curb this antimale tide.
So they took away something that would refocus your attention on what mattered most to you: The right to choose.
This is a bloodless, deathless civil war, at least at first, but the fuse has been lit, and the flare draws ever closer to the ever expanding mountain range of gunpowder of various issues this country has been dealing with for a while.
All that expands must contract, such is the law of the universe, and while I am against their decision to remove such a vital protect and part of women’s health, there is ultimately very little I can do about it.

I wish I were just like everyone else, car, place of their own, job that payed well, and not have to worry about the things I do. I wish I weren’t so stubborn or disappointed with how things are turning out, and day by day, they seem to be getting worse. Home life is poison for everywhere else, and no matter how I try to reason things out, there’s not much to do for it.

While I could bore you with the details, the only thing you’ll most likely fixate on is the lack of job, or the lack of my giving you money, so why should I go into detail about much when that’s all you’re wanting me to do, just give you stuff without expecting anything in return. And maybe everything falls apart for a reason, maybe it just wasn’t meant to be, because this isn’t the timeline we get together in, or maybe we’re just meant as lessons for each other to learn?

I dunno, I think a lot about the large picture at play here, and knowing that despite how well I can be doing, my personal paralysis is in the fact that no matter what I try to do to make myself happy,

Between everything going on, trying to find work and realizing very slowly that alone is how things are going to be for a long itme, maybe it’s best that I do something to change the course my life is on, because of course there are larger things at stake here, and my thoughts are just over simplified complaints about the state of being as it were.
Wasting time, or just finding ways of fucking about ain’t really what I’d call anything these days, just a series of moments tied together by the ever expanding concepts that are so beyond our reach that they’re just not even there anymore. The stupid complexity is so vast and underwhelming that even just by trying to be happy, I’m inviting something to go wrong, almost like I’m drawn to fucking my own life up to give osmeone else a chance to better it.

This isn’t to say that I’m saddened or overworked, or burnt out by the things I did, do, or will do, just by the very notion that everything I’m missing out has been a sign from theu niverse, god, or whatever you want to call it as just a bit series of dominoes constantly flailing about.

Maybe you’re in my life to teach me how to let go of everything that I once considered important, and by extension see the person as they actually are, and not just the surface level beauty by which starkly contrasts their actions, words, and deeds. The mentality is kind of confusing, and I don’t know why I have such a hard time doing anything productive, when I’ve just managed to turn from a naturally happy guy to a dude just barely hanging on to anything and letting things deteriorate to a point where shit just falls into place, regardless of what any prior planning actually meant. Maybe this depression is just my natural state of being as getting excited about any kind of plan just results in some kind of multitude of false expectation?

Maybe no matter what, life is always just going to follow the path it does, and no matter how much I improve, I am more or less stuck on the same rail shooter of life I always have been, merely repeating the same pattern over and over again till I eventually lose my mind oover the monotony of it all, that despite the claims of everything has a purpose, what if only some of it does and the rest of it is just filler? Noise that distracts from everything actually important?
Or what if everything i’ve done up to this point has been absolutely pointless? that my attempts at anything signifigant are just momentary lapse in the natural order, and that whatever impulse I have to mitigate the consequences are just minute fractions of a greater whole?

But none of this will translate into anything other than an “Ok” or some gruff short reponse that has nothing to do with the post itself, because you’ve got your focus, and maybe the psychology that you developed is just ingrained to the point where it shouldn’t matter what anyone says. That you figure as long as there’s a possibility of me slipping up somewhere and giving you control of whatever ifnotmation I have on me, that it’s just enough to constantly play with my head like there’s something to be possibly gained from it all.
I could be overthinking things to the point of neutralizing any possible goodwill previous actions have wrought.

I don’t think of much now a days, not much point, the hi, hey, hello phase of things has been rather boring and kaput, and the lack of response or any meaningful conversation has left me wondering if anything actually matter anymore. the compulsive long form message is maybe some futile attempt at getting something, anything from a long since dried sponge, where once there might’ve been passion, but is now a just dry thing.

Maybe i’m meant to die old and alone, forever haunted by the htings I let slip through my fingers and just depleted of any and all optimism, wow, such depressing fucking thoughts from a man who’s constantly getting older and forgetting unimportant crap by the day, maybe death will come for me sooner or late,r and the long dead rambling of what amounts to a fucking man child mentally shitting himself is more or less the funny as hell thing you need to start your day, as friendships bloom in the way that your most accustomed to, just taking advantage of peoples niavete. Or maybe it’s something less then that, that by my attempts at questioning why you choose to stay with me instead of going with any one of the hundreds of others who have everything you’re looking for, does it present me with some kind of broken logic, that if there are others out there better suited to your tastes, why waste your time with me?

In my head, I can’t quite contemplate the meaning of things, to chase someone that doesn’t want to be chased, to be left alone to her own devices, but here comes the lumber fuckwad of a person that can’t seem to get his life together, why not choose someone better? SOme newer, shinier, better and healthier person that you can build a life with?

Love is love, and all I know is that I love you, always have from the moment I laid eyes on you, always will. Everything is temproary, except the memories of those we choose to keep alive in our hearts and minds, and maybe somewhere along the way I forgot that my personal story isn’t worth a damn if I don’t have the prequisites to make myself important, but all I know is that I love you. And I used to be a romantic, used to be happier, used to do a lot of things. And now I’m trying to make amends with a past that no longer works for me, a system of levers and pulleys ultimately meant as busy work.
But I still love you, someway, somehow, I still love you despite my misgivings, complaints, and foggy eyes attempts at being romantic even if they come off as weird or creepy.
I don’t think I’m capable of using anyone, it’s just not in my blood, maybe you’ve already found someone that you can connect with better, that’s okay.

If not, I still love you all the same.
I’m just a very lonesome person, more alone in my thoughts and attempts than anyone can ever really know, and trying to open up is more of a challenge because of my own past heart break. Be patient with me as I am with you.

untitled

our mental health matters. Nobody knows the internal struggles you contend with on a day to day basis except you and we ALL go through them. You can seem like the happiest person on the outside, but most days it’s just a mask to cover how you’re actually feeling deep down. You’ve got this. you hear me? YOU have got THIS. The only person you’re fighting against internally is yourself, and that version of you is no longer in control. It’s simply made of memories, past traumas, insults from people long since spoken and no longer audible, reverberations from a moment no longer in action, yet somehow still has taken root in your long term memory. It no longer matters, and therefor, can no more hurt you than a leaf can influence a hurricane. You are the one in the pilot seat, and that past version of yourself is the annoying kid in the last row of seats in an empty coach section. But, you keep being awesome. you keep healing, keep transforming yourself into someone better. If that means exiting a friendship that’s turned sour, leaving a relationship that’s beyond repair, or simply loving yourself more than you have been in the past, you go for it. Soon, those moments won’t even be a blip on your radar, and you’ll have healed completely. Stay beautiful. Stay amazing. Stay positive. You’ve got this.

WTF

Morgan:
Cherish not the thought of horribleness, but strangle the fear pillow of dixon 9… where shit scrawled on walls never updates nor shrinks in the face of adverisity! I am green, but I have a blue mask and face it not to the east.

The Shitposting Hermit:
what

Morgan Gavin:
Trust the god of the green, for the Bue is not True, and the Red must end the blood streak of the tenth moon!

King:
whaat???

Morgan Gavin:
for what dream may shit upon the nightmare of others, for does not good strangle the fears of evil while the dreams are infants? Still screaming to the assignments of failed glue sticks? That which dreams not of the elvel ten, that which screams the blood moons of the florf may not Grasp even the strandiest strands of the Golden Strands of psychobabbli! FEAR THE FEAR PILLOW! As it smothers the courage that no not of the courage blanket that covers the fear pillow! thomas the Train is an agent of the Nightmares of police! for what hidden tension lay beneath that smile, so innocent, so benign, for only a psychosis of pikagirl pokeworld! Pika pika pika pika! Tenth level NOOOOOOOT, Noot noot noot, TO THE FUCKING TWITLONGER or was it q? maybe it was seven? Or twelve? Or maybe flower? Potato? It’s potato.

The Shitposting Hermit:
fear pillow… what

Morgan Gavin:
what if pokeballs were secretly waffle irons? HOW DARE YOU GRILL THAT PICHU!

King:
shut your soul

Morgan Gavin:
You shut yours! The tenth moon of the second ring will shut it for you! We scream out at the deliverance of the Fear pillow, we scream and shed the feathers of darkness to embrace our inner Emo Robot!

thy_undying: The crimson king will rise from its crypts

Morgan Gavin:
For the Emoji movie will be withus, no matter the cost of our very souls! Shall the abandoned Emoji of broken Nokia phones haunt us to our very graves and beyond!? The Crimson king doesn’t hold a fucking candle to the emoji movie. our Lord and savior! Beyond the edginess of My Name J.E.f.f… Justice Education Fantastic Four

thy_undying:
the candle will burn the oozing mold from those cursed emojis

Morgan Gavin:
the ooze will scream in repulsion as the Grim Iron Reaper will without its fart of reverance for you, BEWARE THE FART OF REVERANCE FOR YOU WILL DRAMA ALERT YOU PANTS! epidermis be sworn!

The Shitposting Hermit:
what the hell

Morgan Gavin:
Don’t fear the shittier poster!

thy_undying:
the sharp edge of the scythe, will cut the weak from the soil

Morgan Gavin:
for the Undying will love the forliving with the furious batter ram of syco the wunderhound! May his eternal butt sweep be our undoing! for the Fear Pillow will smother everything that the Courage blanket hates, and the evil screams by swept unto the old mans rug of determination… ALL WILL FAIL THE SANS TEST OF NO MERCY!

The Shitposting Hermit:
praise KEK. brother!

thy_undying:
The love for the undying will be long forgotten in the deep depths of hell

Morgan Gavin:
The Kermit Eternrnal Kevil

thy_undying:
undone by those beyond our grasp

Morgan Gavin:
The Kevil will be more evil than Evil or kevin combined, for their Paint cans of mercy will condemn the souls of the wet bandits to a sacrificial alter of blood letting and glitter bombs!

thy_undying:
the rug will be lifted out from under

The Shitposting Hermit:
“wet”… “Bandits”… why the fuck? what the fuck is an wet bandit

Morgan Gavin:
Are you ignorant of the plight of those left Home alone?

thy_undying:
the bandit will fall, trip upon his own feet, kneel down to a blood God

Morgan Gavin:
The micromachines of depression lead to the flame thrower of defiance, while the spider and hair gel of fear and rasping death will cling to your face, never letting go, as the nail of self preservation drives itself into your foot, giving you the tetnus of shame!

thy_undying:
The spiders and their vast webs, pulling the strings from behind

Morgan Gavin:
And fans of grime will blow the feathers of desolation unto the unwilling, there, they will be tripped and flung into the forboding basment of freezing, it will be there that the Kevil will hold the falling iron of the Rapture to your face, and leave amrk of shame and lo, thy Fear Pillow will shame you to know end in your ignorance of filth and degradation! FOR THEE SHALL INHERIT NONE BUT THE SACRIMENT OF THE TWELVE GODS OF BAD SEQUELS AND SHAME YOUR POOPCORN SHATTING WAYS. NOOT NOOT MOTHERFUCKER

The Shitposting Hermit:
the twelve gods of bad sequels are best gods. i unironically worship a meme god

thy_undying:
Raptured beyond saving, with a pillow case over what remained of their pride. The popcorn pops when the fat man sings.

Morgan Gavin:
I AM THE FORSAKEN MEMESON, DELIVERED BY THE MEME GOD TO CRAMP THE STYLE OF FURRIZORDS

thy_undying:
A song of death, to who gained the right they asked in the end of days.

The Shitposting Hermit:
chin chin the god of darkness. kek the god of creation and jakepaulus the cancer god

Morgan Gavin:
And lo, the seventh sigil be lit by the nightlight of leg cramps, and screams shall know not the ways of man, as the digital download and micro transactions shall bleed various bank accounts dry of their illgotten gains, so sayeth the Memson, of thy crushed candy

thy_undying:
All will kneel to a lie spoken by the unjust. Rain their wallets, and goods upon the crushed souls(edited)

The Shitposting Hermit:
J-I-N-G-L-E-J-A-N-G-L-E… Jinglejangle!!

Morgan Gavin:
And those with ashes upon their darkened souls will shutter the skeletons of legions past, the Ashen o

thy_undying:
The Legions might is flawed, with loyalty questioned and irrational choices. The keeper of the gate remains unfazed. They are here calling a name

Morgan Gavin:
Lead not those into temptation, but scream apart fro mthe hidden horrors that scream of rolling out, and may the Gumminess Bear, its wailing screams and death wails as it quivers and bounces, its death whale calling to a finite desperation… May the relevance of the hate fox know only the clown ad the cynical gnome, or may we forever be haunted by the Finaff King, his many colored hair and twirled mustache becoming and horrendous fan fiction, to which our souls know only death and damnation!

His mem, hs legend live on in the second adpocolypse, brought to a fidget spinning end by the fire addicted, clown themed, cynical gnome, who knows all secrets, and drinks of the Gi Feyuel, which burns as brightly, knowing only the souls of the tormented may truly bring him closer ot the ultimate fruition of hell unleashed, the chains only cursed links melted together in a serious knot of confusion of tubes powered by the hell cats of grumpiness!

thy_undying:
Gummy bears decapitated, on the executioner’s block. A laugh, a grin, by the spectators. Wailing arms in the air. The gods witness this event, such strong hatered for the demons which mask in candy. Chocolate rivers run dry. The canes of candy hanging the unworthy.

Morgan Gavin:
Spread the link of the chaos meme, and suffer the riches, piled onto the weight of your mind, infested by the fear pillow and smothered of oxygen by the creative curses of the irrelevant through which known shall ever know of the Trumpism and the he will not divide us chant, that through the tenth kingdom of hellish insanity shall we ever known the Con Khan Network and scream out Shatnered memes through which none are truly safe, or hath been cursed by the Druidic Ethereal fallicies which plague only the Over Watched butt of the Tracer! Can no leage of Legends stand to the trials and trails of the Roadhog, fermented meat, left in the sun and smothered with the defecation and diseased drool boiled to a thick soup that only the Sithian dungeons can keep twisting in the winds!?

And lo, again, in the ninth kingdom of the Golden Sunmoon, the desert sands will shift to the Snow of Jons and Garfields, his eternal tormentor and consumer of lasagna, a strange mystical treat created through the grinding and smashing of meath and tomotos, pa plague infested book of faces, called only to activate when the Necronomicon of passwords is forgotten, and thy Google of youTubian failures may enter a hack and slash game of Keemcynical proportions!

thy_undying:
Tracing the fingers which cling onto the images of laughter or to be silly. Kingdoms melt away in the wind when the legends speak of cheap tricks. Such decay when they sing of sunshine and rainbows. The Snow of john indeed knows nothing. Swining a sword at the dead that walk. Such a fool he be. In the frozen seas, the Slash man threw his axe upon the soaking puddle. Such thunder, echoes into the horizon. Necronomicon spreads the images across the landscape, infesting the wicked. Our backs ache by the hollowed. The lost.

Morgan Gavin:
Cursed by none, wanted by all, the curse of the Fear Pillow and the Abomination of the Universe, the Puppy Monkey Baby, the unwanted one, the freak of genetic tampering, science cursed by the evils of the four chans of old, back to the before days, the lords of cinder and repentance knowing no mercy as the tenth sign and sigil of the Adpocolypse lords a destructive force of unrecognizeable proportions upon our souls, driving us to the brink of insanity with its very presence!
A purge of anger, a purge of violence, a purge of bad memes, forced into existence against their will, taken flight and form against their creators shall rummage through the everlasting cursed forms of physical sentience, coding of ones and zeroes, twos and threes shall form and reform into the creations upon which none hath asked for and yet all shall scream unto the blind fires of old, “Have ye mercy!?” And the kings of Memes and their Memesons shall scry unto the unfortunate few, “Leggo my eggo”\

thy_undying:
Abominations plagued puppies they be. Crawling, dragging its frail limbs. The cinder is warm, unrelenting. An unstoppable force. They stand idly by, whilst the purge is upon us.

Morgan Gavin:
And thine eggo shall have been let go, as millions of pictures, doctored to initiate a fourth purge into the tenth kingdom shall unleash a torrent of sad depressed bookface pages, a slew of unwarranted and unwanted criticiysm for the hattering of the tenth reality plague, no, they shall see their works mocked and made to be as flickering shadows, that which screams for a lack of a better word, the “Sleepless in Seattle” Brought forth by the army of Sean Connerys appearing into the Ranks of Jeopardy, and the Nicholas Cages in wooden bear costumes, infiltrated by the beehives of shame and disbelief, shall go to the center of madness, and none shall know if their works are truly good or not, as the quality of dimensions presented there within are none but predetermined fixtures into the horrid flaws of humanities core values.

The Shitposting Hermit:
sean connery is best

Morgan Gavin:
And none in the Ninth kingdom of the golden sunmoon shall know which way to go, and instead, use a flawed apple maps to take portrate videos, which shall piss the resto f us off, as we send forth the Memesons and Memefathers of old to the eighth kingdom, where a peanut butter jar with an oft repeating loop of time, in which a silent Leonardo Dicaprio shall be mauled by a bear while declaring himself the king of the world, but his world shall sink, and he shall claim for a rose to never let go, but the roots shall know only the dampened sunlight and the weak nutrients, and hath let him has a tiny golden statue after so many years.

thy_undying:
Eggs crack upon the orbiting bowl, in the centre. Caged the Nicholas in a confined space. A lost of control, independence. A hound at the rattled cage, “Woof”. No one is a hero in this sorrow tale, only those who believe themselve to be whole.

Morgan Gavin:
To seek the plains of madness, they shall travel through a demented real of misery and bad remakes, infested with flaws and sins, which only a select few shall truly understand the tone of mockery and satire, to the seventh kingdom of the foolish and repository of badly over used memes, the mynameisjeff shall scry only to those of souls most ripped fresh fro mthe bloated carcasses of dementors, where thy harry potter fanship shall burn with fury as no more scrolls of magical boy wizards are fraught with fanservice, and no shipping of boy wizard verus dark forboding shall happen. For only the rule of law shall scry them to the Anime Weeabu culture shock that Anime is not a Cartoon, but rather a sacred art unto which only the Hehachi Miazaki Clan shall rise to be the king of fighters!

No, they shall too be plagued by the cloned failure of the two, and the rise of the Sean Cagery shall be born, weighed down by the anger and confused chaos that only seems possible in a twisted nightmare realm, in which no one shall truly know what the fermented rage pillow covers they are saying, nor if they are truly good or not. Maybe, the souls of the twisted ones, the animatroni shall see an end to the fictious misrepresentations of those lost and damned, and soon, the eternal war of spite and greed shall seek to be of a never ending end, and the rule of fine dust shall be imposed, but none shall ever really know what the fuck is actually going on!

thy_undying:
Isenguard is a large fortress beyond our reach. Cannot be seen by consaulting maps. No King or Queen of Potter. A boy is not lost in the anime. Wizzard laws brake the rules of men, decieving the wise. “Ho ho ho” the fat man sits upon his wooden throne. Twisted by madness.

The Used and Abused

1/24/2022

With Temperance upright, you are a calm person, you like to be the peacemaker whenever possible. You are very concerned with personal economic growth, and with this current situation you find yourself in, you’re learning that everything in moderation is much better than an all at once approach. It’s with this mindset that’s led you to be very frugal when it comes to spending. Rather than side with anyone, you tend to take the middle path and keep a lot of things to yourself. With the Eight of Wands in Reverse, you are experiencing frustrations due to the delays in completing a plan you’re currently working on for quite sometime. Travel plans have had to be canceled multiple times because of unexpected road blocks, both self made, and from others getting in the way of your goal. Get your car to a mechanic, to avoid further cancelations and disappointments.

With the Knight of Pentacles Upright, even though you’re very patient, a hard worker, and efficiently methodical when it comes to getting the job done, it sometimes feels like you’re not going anywhere fast.

With the Nin of Pentacles in Reverse, you have an addiction to staying busy, to working, and this addiction to business has caused you no shortage of problems with your own personal finances. You can also be envious of others, often comparing yourself to others, leading to a negative self feedback loop which puts you in a depressive mindset sometimes.

With the Two of swords in reverse, you are currently torn between two options, or people, one of whom you love very much, but there is a distance between you two, and another who is very close, but there is very little attraction, this has led to an emotional block that has affected your decision making in this particular scenario. you’re natural intuition is required in order to sort this out, and in either case, you may have to compromise in order to finally achieve satisfaction.

With the Devil Upright, you are obsessed with a person, almost addicted to imagining various scenarios of pure and excessive pleasure with them, you also seem to have a personal unwanted bondage through materialism and the acquiring of wealth. One of your deeper seeded addictions is through compulsive excessive sexual activity, but its through this that you find one source of pleasure out of many.

With the Ace of Sword Upright, you always have new ideas, with which to hone your mental sharpness, you have an intense level of willpower, and sometimes this hidden well spring of strength can lead you to start unneeded or wanted conflicts. There may also be the need for surgery, either metaphorical, or literal.

With the Star Upright, you’re currently in a process of renewal, of fresh hope, of healing. When this renewal is completed, and the healing of your past finished, all will be calm and clear, and you may even have a new outlook on life. Have faith, and never stop believing in miracles, you may receive unexpected help by a person from your past.

With the Six of Pentacles in Reverse, when asking for help in the past, people have given charity to you with strings attached, this includes underhanded practices when it comes to legal or financial matters, and these people were often selfish, only wishing to satiate their own desires while preying on your addiction to sex, completely ignoring the core reason you asked them for help to begin with. you may also be struggling with debt.

With the high Priestess in reverse, because you’ve been preyed on for so long, your natural insight and intuition has become blocked, causing you to spiral out of control and lose touch with yourself, leading you to keep secrets and not share potentially good news with others who would only try to help you, if you so allowed.

With the Six of Wands in Reverse, you experienced a massive fall from grace, the shame of which that was only compounded further by a recent epic fail, which had you abandoning a project or a cause regretfully. There was a person you’re dealing with who was the source of this betrayal, which left you with a massive lack of confidence.

With Death Upright, this has lead you onto a journey of rediscovering yourself, and you are currently in the process of transforming who you are as a person, almost like a rebirth. You are experiencing a final ending to the past that molded you into the person you were, and experiencing an involuntary change into the person you are to become. This change would’ve occurred naturally, and for you, it’s the end of the previous chapter in your life, and the start of the next one, you are learning to let go of that which no longer works for you, and moving towards that which does

2021 in retrospect

A few things really.I know I’m kinda boring on FB but that’s fine with me, I’m kind of invisible on the whole “Let’s post shit to feel better but end up pissing one or two sad people off” scale, and I try not to buy into the fact that Social Media on the whole is meant to keep people angry and posting. But I don’t really think that’s the case. Social Media platforms, on the whole, are like babies.

Everyone likes babies. They’re the most neutral things on the planet, and it’s just like there are no bad dogs, just bad people who train them to be that way.

Facebook can be seen in a bad light, and it often does, but so can everything else when people don’t really understand.

Maybe it’s just me, but I try to see the good in people, regardless of their past, and it’s the same with the internet, it’s simply a tool, and how we use it and what we receive in turns of feedback determines how we continue to perceive it.

I was live the other night on tiktok, as I usually am, and occasionally I get cohost requests from kids, who for the most part are just being kids. True, most of the time I just hope their parents are walking by with a rolled up newspaper so they can get a smack on the upside the back of they head, but I just let them get what they want to say out of the way, most of the time it’s a few low level insults and I don’t react to it (Thank you twitter and COD community for years of emotional brutalization, assholes. :D) and then they disconnect and I simply go on like nothing happened.
And for those wondering, the spread is 99% adults, 0.5% puppets, and 0.5% random kids requesting to go live with me out of random chance. I don’t seek them out, ever.
I forgot where I was going with this, but as long as the person feels like they did a good job, in terms of how they feel using the tools at their disposal to accomplish the job they take on, they should get papa johns pizza.
Haven’t had papa johns pizza in a minute, I usually order from Dominoes, since they’ve got that sweet sweet 5 dollar pizza coupon I take advantage of and it’s pretty cool on that. Anyways, there was this squirrel I saw running across the street a while back, and I just forgot about it until this point in time, which is okay I guess, anyways, I do free readings on my lives, and it’s kind of bled into everyday things, cause a few people at work have requested them and I’m fine with that, doesn’t happen too often, and it’s been mainly people I’ve hung out with that request them.
I’ve had one or two people be a little concerned about my intent, but I pretty much tell em I just shuffle the deck, read the cards that pop out, and if it connects, it connects. If not, no biggie, it’s just a card game to me anyways. But I can understand on some level both the concern about the supernatural aspects of it as well as the need to get some kind of direction on what to do. I don’t take it to the level of fake readers where they simply spout off some rainbow out the ass, sunshine screaming from the nostrils, disney song and dance routine out the crotch, blow smoke out the nipples romance thing, I just read the cards to them and give it to them straight.
I still keep strong in my faith, still read the bible, and still contemplate what it actually is my purpose in life really is. Sometimes I feel like I’m a magnet for broken people just looking for some level of connection, those that seemingly isolate themselves, who feel sometimes out of place in some level, someone to identify with, maybe that’s my purpose, why I chose “The Doctor” as my nickname as a Learning Ambassador….
Maybe that’s why she’s holding on so tightly, despite our true time together having ended long ago… Anyways, the years 2018 to 2021… have been an experience for me. I’ve had to put a lot of things and people behind me, and accept things that I never thought I’d have to both about myself and about those I thought were my friends.

I realize that a vast majority of people I met at LGB8 won’t really think about me too much, that’s fine, after all, time marches forward, we meet new people and move on with life, and I have a difficult time letting go of people as well, and I’ve had to do that with folks that I had developed deep connections with, and had great conversations, and through these people, and they know who they are, I realized that I, and they, are merely a temporary presence in each others lives, we are meant to be stepping stones in our journeys of personal growth and become stronger for it.

I have been taught some hard lessons, and have had to make huge sacrifices, and some choices that can never be undone.
I have learned that, and this lesson comes from the Gavin side of the family, harsh but true, unless you add value to yourself, no one will ever want you to be in their lives, because they will have no reason to aspire to be as happy as you are, or happier. If you have little in terms of wealth or material possessions, you have little to no value in the eyes of society. It is only through the acquiring of such things can you ever be a part of a group. Those that cannot acquire said wealth or property or make progress in their own lives on their own to the satisfaction of others are to be abandoned by the wayside and forgotten about.
My Dad didn’t teach me that, my mom neither, it’s just been my personal experience growing up with a crippling sense of dread at the fear of rejection that has taught me this, that and because of what I’ve posted in the past, that those who try to crave their own path and believe what they will instead of following the lead of others will to be cast aside.
I have had to overcome a lot of things to get to this point of comfort with myself, and the thought of going back to that level of negative self talk is absolutely not worth it. It was that level of thinking and isolation, and dealing with those who’d think less of me that forged me into the hard worker I am today, I had to go through basic training at Great Lakes to forcibly break myself so that I could figure out what wasn’t working and what was to get here.

Did it have some damage left over? yes. But am I much better person than I was back then? Of course.
My time with Amazon further enforced what I taught myself, that I am inherently valuable to myself, and through my self evaluation and sense of self worth, I could better be of service to others. Through that hard work and that urge to be better, I have made a few true friends and a few people that still require my help till they find the next step in their lives.

I have loved fiercely and truer then I ever have, and I will never regret knowing them because of those results. I have learned to say no, to reject that which doesn’t work for me, and to stand up for myself.

I am looking forward to what 2022 brings, and where I go from here, we only live once, and love many times, it is only through expression of our passion and love that we can truly appreciate the gifts that others have brought into our lives. Harsh lessons and uncomfortable truths are what fire the steel of our souls so that we may better forge ahead and steel ourselves for the wrought iron the world will throw at us.

Are those smithing puns doing anything for you?
Happy New Years, much Love to everyone, friends past, present and future, near and far, known and unknown, and lest you forget, I love you all.
And no, I am not depressed, I just don’t post that often, get distracted by shiny things, and have a weird sleep schedule.

When is the next Dorikame Book coming out? honestly don’t know.

When is my next album coming out and will I half ass it? Soon, and maybe.

Am I single or taken or engaged? That will be revealed.

Am I happy? Are these sarcastic answers answering the question you want answered?
Will I do a reading series for FB? LOL…. I dunno…

Do I still have feelings for her? Men never fall out of love, we really do not, I don’t think there’s a person alive who can truly say that they’ve run out of love for another person. All we can do is wish them happiness and luck in whatever they choose to do with their life. Love is love after all.

O

Here I don’t mind so much.
I’m easily distracted, stressed, and leaned on for a number of things I don’t quite understand. I’m writing whatever comes to mind, as I always have and releasing whatever thoughts come my way, I’m letting the endorphins tell me where to go and what to do, and most of the time, I don’t even understand the why of it all.

O is infinite and all encompassing.

I’m easily annoyed

WTF

So, let me tell you about a stupid ass situation I’m dealing with, fuck it, I’m just going to fucking rant on about a fucking money grubbing asshat I’m delaing with and hope to high fucking hell I get to smack the utter fuck out of them for doing nothing but constantly asking me for fucking money and never really having any god damned actual fucking conversations anymore.

Fuck them, I’m done, I fucking quit them, I have better conversations with everyone at work than I do with this pain in the fucking ass and they know I ain’t sending them shit….

this was in regard to a trip to subway, and there was this homeless man fucking about and I had no beef with this dude, y’all, I was just minding my own dead ass business as a motherfucker should and this little bastard comes up to me a starts bugging me for money, I told that sumbitch, fuck naw, I don’t fuck with cash like that, and he’s like, I guess I’ll see you later then.

Motherfucker, no, you will not talk to me later, I will whoop that ass till the sun comes back down so it can have a god damn turn as well. Talkin bout giving you money, shit, I’d be better served cutting off my left nut than giving you jack shit.

Thing is, I go to Homechef in the evenings and come back in the morning and I’m easily distracted, so let’s move on to crypto where I’ve bought 2 million Shiba with a long term plan of selling that shit off as soon as it reaches 1 dollar a coin.

New Job! And god knows what else.

First off, it’s fucking freezing in that place, god why is it so fucking cold!?
Because it deals with food, and the cold is pretty much the only complaint I have about the place, outside of that, HomeChef is easy work for good pay, and I’m more than happy with it.
Relationship wise, I am with a Lovely woman by the name of Danyelle R, and do plan on properly prosing to her with bended knee, ring, and what have you… But there are some rough patches here or there that I’ll just let slide for now, and hopefully those areas are taken care of.

As for the state of the world?
Pandemic? Normal life at this point, we’ve essentially got Mother Nature going into overdrive clapping peoples asses left and right that somehow needed to go, and we’re trying to prevent as much death as possible.
But the Reapers Timing is the Reapers Timing, God says you go?
your ass is gone.
But, I’m Vaccinated, Booster shot ,and so is Danyelle as far as I can tell, so that’s a good thing. There’s been a lot on my mind as of late that I’ve been trying to sus out for a bit, and that whole thing has been kind of trippy.
i’ve been advised to start charging for readings, and maybe I should I do need to find ways of increasing my cash flow, so I need to start thinking more business minded, maybe finish up taking down notes for my tarot deck and look into getting some crystals, not that I believe in that kind of thing, I really just want a decent set popping about so I’m not so…. I don’t know….. just feels like something off with my life at the moment.
You know that feeling you get when it feels like the gears of your life are turning and you’re moving forward while not knowing it at the same time?
That’s how I’ve been feeling, especially with this relationship with Danyelle, things have been weirdly up and down and I’m kind of not digging the whole transactional part of things, but at the same time, I’m in this for the long haul, and we do love each other…. So there is that whole thing going on.

Not that’s it’s a thing, just… how it goes I guess

Really importantly before I get interrupted since that shit always fucking happens, but the world is larger than you, but you are the main character in your own story, so don’t ever give up on writing that next chapter in your life even if everyone else has written you out of theirs. They are living their own stories and sometimes parting ways is the best way to grow.

Sometimes people hate the idea of others being together for reasons that aren’t stable or understandable, because of whatever reason. And then there are those that the universe gave great talents but whatever reason gives them obstacles to overcome that they can’t, so they get left behind and forgotten. Maybe that’s what my life’s purpose is, just to be a teacher and never progress more than that? Maybe it is… I’ve constantly given up on myself to the point where any time I get the least bit interested in something other people usually are the first to flip out about it because of their own personal fears. So I have to usually bend my life to suit their personal needs, and I’m no longer sure of what way I should face, but I know that any direction I face is always forward.

you never know what kinds of people you’ll meet in life, and regardless of the situation, you have to give them a little bit of patience before figuring out what role they play in your life.

No matter what, never give up. I wish I could get passed whatever’s holding me back, and maybe learning to let go and move forward is the best way to go about that.

What is love? This ain’t it.

I’ve been in 18 relationships, three of them serious, two ending at the proposal stage.
I am currently engaged to a woman who I met at LGB8,

Despite everything, I love her, and she loves me. Though everyone seems to think she’s using me for one reason or another, and I’ve pretty much called her out on a number of things I had found sketchy as hell, and we’ve worked our way through them.
But I love her, always have, always will, and I promised her I’d never give up on her, regardless of how bad things get, and I think she hasn’t really had that assurance of a healthy relationship before, where things aren’t rocky, someone’s just not using her for sex, or not being insulting to her in one fashion or another.
Maybe it’s taking us so long to meet up because that’s what we’ve set the date as when I propose to her, or maybe it’s just that I’m at the age where, it was luck of the draw.
Maybe there’s a whole bunch of things I’m aware of yet that I just need to let play out in order to get the whole picture before anything really clicks into place.

Thing is, I know my worth, and I know what fuels me up, so that I can do great things, and it’s not as if she’s playing me or anything… Hopefully. This has been incredibly hard on me, and although it’s a giant pain in the ass sometimes…. I’m keeping my word to her, and maybe she’s trying to see how durable that word is?
We’re both working really hard to figure things out and be better for each other

…. Love is love, and I love her, she loves me. That’s all that matters, that’s all I see. I love you baby boo.

I’m working again, but let’s start bitching about things

I don’t know why but I fucking hate rainbows. Let’s start there, I hate rainbows like i hate thunderbows, and don’t even get me fucking started on fire bows, because that shit is annoying as fuck, also snowbows and waterbows, because icebows suck too.
Not mention cownbows since those are fucking weird too, as well as batbows, catbows, and drenched sealbows.

the point is the government needs to deal with the homeless population and find a wait to turn the entire percentage of homeless people into a miniature society of its own with the rules of the road being as wild and free as a fart in a tornado.

I’m making no sense, I refuse to, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me, so nyeh.

Deep thinking

I would think that life is a bit easier for you since you’ve got a car and a way to get about, that you don’t have to walk everywhere, you’ve got friends and family that’d love to hear from you. That you don’t live in a house that bounces between moods like a pinball machine.
I can’t pretend like I understand everything that must be running through your mind at a given point, the wage gap, the in equality, the looming threat of not feeling like your measuring up and the put upon pressure by other women to live up to a societal beauty standard that has you constantly judging yourself.
I wish I had the ability to go back in time with the knowledge I have and relive the past and be able to affect it in a positive way. I think about the good moments, the bad, the moments where nothing seems to make sense, and often wonder what a world without racism would look like, a world without evil and anger and hatred. I wonder if that world even exists, because no matter how perfect any system actually is, eventually there will be a crack in it, and in that small divide it would simply grow larger.
I wonder about how it is that despite everything we’ve been through, the smaller moments in time or the larger seem to pass us be without us even noticing, as if we are somehow in between, small enough not to see those larger moments happen, but large enough to not notice the smaller ones. Maybe it’s just that we lack that observational prowess that others seem to have?
I mean, we can look at a picture of a woman or a man all we want to imagine what life looks like through their eyes, try to visualize what they think, see, feel, what the small moments look like to them when they are being who they are in the public eye, like, who are they?
How did they live as a child?
What friends did they make?
Who was they’re first love?
Did they ever get into any fights as a kid?
What about imaginary friends?
Did they’re parents stay together? Get divorced?
Things like that..
How do people see me? How do they see you?
If they didn’t know who we are, how we think, why we think the way we do, how things effect us differently…
I have plenty of time to think of these random thoughts, and maybe people see me as boring or ineffectual to the larger picture that life paints.
Sometimes it seems a little much on the brain, or gets discounted, but my thoughts, and yours are as valid as they ever were.
To be responsible for one’s ideas, or for the ideas of others, or inspire a bit of change, is to think yourself a leader of some sort.
Maybe I’m just meant to be a hermit or something, to constantly shut myself away and think of great philosophies that seem crazy to others but somewhere down the line make more sense when those ideas and lines of thought connect deeper than they should?
Maybe I’m meant to play the fool and let people guide me to where they may s I can learn and grow as a person. Because that’s something you never stop doing, you never stop learning.
I will never really know what it’s like to be a woman in its entirety, because I am a man, just as you won’t completely know what it’s like to be a man because you are a woman.
We can only learn through spending time with the other gender and learn bits and pieces of that experience, but we can’t experience the psychology or the emotions attached directly to that.
We can experience them as outside observers, from a first person perspective?
Unless we underwent the transformation ourselves, we’d never truly know.
It’s just like the misconception that black or white folk have it easier or harder in life, simply because of their genetic make up, while, both yes and no. Each side has experienced the same thing, just in different eras of the world.
So, every race has experienced and employed slavery, discrimination, exclusion, and pretty much insulted each other at some point, either against itself, or against another race, like, every single one.
I read in an article that African Americans are by far the most displaced in the world, subconsciously, whether you want to admit or not, you want to go to Africa and see where your ancestors came from, and reconnect.
The fucked up part is that Africans themselves, in some percentage of the population or another, view you with some level of discrimination and will always think you just as Americans.
Just a small percentage anyways.

It’s the same with me, I inherently want to go to Ireland visit county cork and the Glenn and the green rolling hills and experience going to a pub and feeling like I belong there. But for whatever reason, I know that I won’t be able to.
the difference being, and the divider on that similarity is that your ancestors were taken from their home, where as mine wanted a better life for themselves then they were having.

Yet, in the history of every country, their are immigrants, refugees, internal struggles for dominance, political and financial gain, stories of love, war, loss, and revolution in the constant. There are stories of personal, societal, and structural evolution that are hard fought and won, but not without their losses.
Maybe after a while, people get tired of fighting with each other and with themselves and just agree to try and get along.

A day and a night

Good morning to you, my lovely wife so true
I see you in the morning, you’re so beautiful too
Oh my little one, how you choose to greet the sun
There are so many things to say, You my victory
In the very best way, I love you this way,
You greet the sunrise, I greet the moonlight
Your light warms everything, I’ll act as your spotlight

I’ll never stop shining for you
IF you’ll never stop warming up for me too
you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me
Just the way smile, dance, and sing
Good morning dear wfie, I greet with you a smile
A hug, a dance, a play,
Come, let’s dance in the first mornings sun rays
And should a storm cloud happen upon
Us dancing in the front lawn
Then smile and dance we may
Even if there comes a little rain
For you make me happy
As well as I to you as well
Lets smile, laugh and sing
Greeting everyone that passes as well

Oh my dearest little one
My pride, jy, and treasure
Without you in my life
My heart would surely be heavier
And through it all I might say
Though I might smile, dance and play
My soul would not be as a glow
Since I would be thinking of you so far away

So, let’s be thankful for each other
Side by side as we must be
Always and forever
My only sunshine
Your only moon beam
My Queen of the morning
As well as I, your Moon Rise King

So let’s sing, dance, and laugh as we must
Even though we are so far away
I will be always by your side
As close as your shadow
As far as a dream
You are my Queen of the Sunrise
I am your Moon Rise King…

An authors life

As an author, there really is no final word, no final sentence that ties everything together. The worlds we create, the characters storylines, the adventures never really end.
We stop writing the stories because we are unable to keep up with their adventures, not because we are tired, not because we are parting ways with one adventure and headed towards another, but because we love them so much we can only go as far along with them as our imaginations will let us.
Those final words, those final fleeting moments on the very last page?
That’s just a new adventure beginning.
A new story, a new project. New characters being born in the multiverse that is the creative spirit, and from there, a new symphony of adventures can begin.
Do we think back on them?
Does it bring a tear to the authors eyes to remember where the main character began his or her or their journey?
The first moment we introduced the antagonist or villain?
The first grand twist of the story?
The love, romance, adventure, action scene?
The first continuation?
The first moment the love interest was introduced?
The first rivalry and training scene?
the first moment the family was introduced, or some hidden lore was uncovered?
Authors remember it all in startling, sometimes heart wrenching detail. We spend hours, days, weeks, months, years crafting our existences and the adventures there within.
We remember everything. The good times, the boring, and the bad ones as well.
For us, our artform is ever evolving, ever changing and growing, the time apart makes us stronger than we were before, and the reconnecting to an old world sends shivers of excitement down our spines.
We can’t wait to reconnect to the familiar characters, the faces, and the inner voices that guided them.
I will never see any moment of anything I’ve created, or the inspirations or moments which spawned those moments, as bad things, bad influences, off putting themes.
The fires of creativity have never died in me, have they been suffocated a little? Sure, but the creating never stops. Only changes.
Becomes better with time and patience.
I’ve got plenty of material to work with, plenty of albums to create, plenty of art and vids to knock out. I just have a few pressing things to take care of before I can start work on those things.
To those people that found my creativity too weird for them, too eye catching, or my personality too bold and loud and charismatic, or too freaky deeky for their own styles, let me ask you this:
When was the last time you had the confidence to let loose in front of people you never knew and do something that brought a smile to their faces? When was the last time you dressed like a dork, not because of some event taking place, but because you just felt like it?
When was the last time you were so happy, so filled with love and joy that you burst out in song for the hell of it?
Or just uncontrollably smiled because someone told you they loved you?
This isn’t a slam, or a personal attack on anyone, this is a genuine question born of curiosity.
I want you to be loud, creative, awesome, amazing, pure, rockin giant ass balls of energy just because you can be. I want you to be the best version of yourself that you can be, I want you to find the person you’re meant to be with, and I want you two to be happy.
Because if you find that spark of joy, of love, of pure and absolute bliss, and you hold on to it for dear life, and nurture that spark into a flame, and that flame into a fire, and that fire into a large as fuck inferno that pushes you out of your comfort zone?
you’ll be absolutely amazed at what you’ll accomplish.
You’ve got this, I believe in you, go for the gold. I’ll always have your back, no matter how much time passes, because that’s what true ones do.
If at any point in time I’ve made you laugh, made you smile, made you feel like, “I feel a little better” even for just a few moments, from that very first moment onward, even if we never talked in the same energy again, just know that I’m always rooting for you.
Anyways, this ain’t g’bye, never was, never will be, this here?
Just me starting a new project, a new book, game, album, piece of art. A new blog post.
As long as we keep each other alive in our hearts, minds, and dreams, there’s never really a moment where we’re ever apart.
And I suck at saying goodbye.
So I won’t, besides, my ass is all over the internet, you’ll see me again in one fashion or another.
Time to face the day, that sun is rising, and dear god in heaven, those colors are brilliant.

Well, hey there!

Tiktoks, writing, and love, what else is there in life?

Emotional roller coaster!

I need to talk about this.
I don’t care if someone pulls me aside and goes, “Heeeeey buddy, I saw that thing, why’d you post that thing?”
Because posting about the thing is my way of pushing through my own insecurity about creating content, and for the longest time I never really cared what anyone thought about my content, it didn’t have any direct affect on my life.
I never thought my words or actions had any actual effect on peoples emotions or thoughts, and now, that I have been at Amazon for nearly two years at this point, have forged bonds and friendships. stealth relationships, and had romantic interests, (And yes god damn it I WILL talk about love, because why the hell wouldn’t I?) as well as created this weird as hell Matrix of random connections all up and down the chain of command at Amazon, from GMs, AMs, to PAs, KBS, PS, WS, and AAs, like, holy fucking shit, it’s been a trippy as hell experience, I’m finding myself at a weird stand still.
The point is this, I’m perfectly aware, I KNOW. Truly, I do KNOW where things stand on every level, and I’m trying to balance everything out in my head before I do anything.
Because I’ve been put through what feels like a 36 round championship title fight, been knocked down with a metaphorical punch to the chest and had a ten count to get the fuck back up.
I read somewhere that happiness and sadness unlock or enhance certain aspects of our psychology, happiness boosts up our creativity and sadness enhances our ability to analyze situations, whatever they may be. In order to get to the root problem of this whole thing, I needed to get to that point where my heart felt like it was dropping into a bucket of ice.
Not through conscious choice, but as a matter of the natural cycle of the seven stages of grief, I’ve been through the worst of it, and I nailed it down to the basic. The failure of not taking action, of overthinking, of seeing a straight line and deciding to let the journey curve and twist and pop up and down.
Though I do have hope that reconciliation can happen, I myself can not take any steps towards it, it’s not that I don’t want to, trust me, I do, but I’ve forgotten a very important lesson, that if you chase a squirrel, that little bastards going to dart the hell away each and every time.
However, if you’re patient, and stay very still, and feed the other birds and squirrels at the park, eventually, that squirrels going to want some of that goodness.
By the way, I AM talking about squirrels.
I create stories, songs, lyrics, and Tiktoks, because indirectly, subconsciously, they are messages or adventures for those that want, or need to hear them.
And not being able to be blunt about this is killing me, seriously, I’d much rather be upfront then have to dance around this thing.
I need an apology. I don’t care what channels I have to go through to set up to get one for what went down, but I will get one.
I think that was the straw that broke the camels back for me.
I can forgive a lot, but that? That needs to be rectified, resolved.

Tiktok’o’clock!

That aside, I have reached 7k on Tiktok, so I’m getting close to my goals in terms of numbers, if I hit 10k, I can apply for the creator fund, which means I’ll be able to make some spare change with some of these vids. Which means, I’ll have to find some of the freakier stuff on there to duet or stitch.
I also need to do some more dances, and I’m always down to appear in others Toks, Snaps, Instagram posts, and so on, I’ve never been shy about that kind of thing. I have a few ideas for skits and whatnot, I want to run a few ideas across a few people and see what can be done to make those ideas happen.
Because I’ve got some really cool ideas for a cross platform series!
My largest issue that needs to be worked on is collaboration momentum, the more I do something the easier it is for me to knock it out of the park. It’s just that first initial jump into something that bothers me a little bit.

Music and the Muse!

Music wise, I’ve got three or four ideas for albums that I want to try out, I’ve been doing a ton of crooning tracks for a while, some skit tracks, one or two country tunes, a ton of rap, some tracks with back ground vocals, and some with lyrics to them.
Which I need to get back to doing the ones with lyrics because those are by far the absolute best ones, while the freestyle are OKAY for the most part, I need to find a hook, a way to bring it back in.
I do have a few of those floating around, but for the most part, I’m mostly a story teller, there needs to be a progression in the lyrics, moving forward on a journey.
It’s actually a mental requirement of mine that for a tracks lyrics to really have that OOMPH that I need a muse, which, for a while, I had… have… had… basically, a connection to the lyrics that feels amazing when I get out there to belt it out. thing is, for a while now, that spots seemingly open, as far as I’m aware, since the previous muse wasn’t feeling it anymore.
It’s this connection that allows me to dive deep into my emotional well and brings out the best in what I can do, if I’m inspired, I can just knock it out.
Although, it’s not like anyone can fill out an application for “Morgan’s Muse!” and nail the spot. This has to be a connection that I personally feel, intensely. Specifically, has to be a woman, sorry guys, just the way I’m wired when creating, and there has to be a spark that’s lit when I look into her eyes, like a fireworks display going off in the center of my mind.
Love is the most powerful of emotional connections out there, and if there’s a spark of that, and it hits me deeply, then you’ll know as well, it’s a rare thing, when it hits the CORE of your soul, lights that fire in you, and makes you feel a thing or two about a thing or two because that’s what brings you happiness.
Am I open to repeats? Sure, always happy for that kind of deal, something familiar a return to comfort and warmth, of a souls fire and forging of a reconnection that might’ve been thought lost.
The next album is going to be called “Heart’s Desire” I’ve had the album cover done for quite a while now, but the connection that was behind this has kinda frayed at the edges, but I’m still going to press through with it. I feel uneasy about the album cover, as it involves some old art work I did of a past… current… connection…
That aside, I recently made a track called “She who I’d call queen” from a set of lyrics I wrote, that song is only 1/4 of the lyrics and I’m going to knock out the other three quarters tonight, I might have to redo the original track, since the vocals are a bit on the soft side at the start. But I REALLY don’t want to. I’ll see what I can do about getting an app or two that’ll be able to raise the main vocals a little bit.
I think there’s a bit of magic to how I’ve been able to knock these tracks out, because there is LITERALLY no planning whatsoever, I just grab some coffee, pick a beat I haven’t used before and just go for it. Sometimes it works out, other times I need to do it a few times before I’m satisfied, but people seem to enjoy it.

Sexy Chocolate and the handsome potato!

I get way too excited about things sometimes, like to the point where I get nervous and giddy and everything ends up falling apart, it’s not that I intend for these things to happen, just the way it is, kind of like expecting a surprise birthday party and finding out that well, HOLY CRAP it’s a single person, with a cupcake, and they haven’t yet lit the candle, and they’re just standing there like, WELL, this is indeed a thing!

The point I’m trying to make here is this:
Dear sexy chocolate, come get this handsome potato. OH MY GOD JUST CAME UP WITH THE PERFECT TIKTOK. I need chocolate and a potato.

Author’s Block

Writing wise, I was working on a small side project called Sogno Della Dinastia: Bianco e nero, which translates to “Black and White” I began writing it on Twitter a while back and it somehow fizzled out, it was an interesting concept.
Another series was some romantic thing, IT WAS BALLS OUT AMAZING!

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS A WORK OF PURE FICTION, ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCE TO ACTUAL EVENTS OR PERSONS IS… MOSTLY COINCIDENTAL, I’M INSPIRED BY MANY THINGS AT MANY POINTS IN TIME. I TAKE THOSE THINGS AND MAKE AWESOMENESS WITH IT.

Here’s a few snippets:

Even without speaking, She was telling him she wanted him too. She sighed heavily at the start of shift, the weight of the world seeming to press down on her.
He knew something was going on.
She later stopped in front of him many times, hoping he’d take notice.
He did, each time.
He smiled, for he knew she was nervous, that she wanted to tell him how she felt.
It was okay, he felt the same way too.
After all, that’s what true love was, the ability to communicate without actually talking.
It was in the little things they did while around one another.
They were in love, and the whirlpool of their journey was winding them into tighter and tighter circles.
She paused, mimicking an actions he’d seen him do many times over by putting her index finger on her pulse, just behind her jaw.
He noticed everything, his heart pounding. Still he remained composed. He loved her, after all.
When her brown eyes met his green, there was always something magical.
She needed to be sure. She didn’t want to be hurt again, she wanted to trust him with her heart.
Her mind flashed back to the first time they argued, and though she’d deny being afraid it’d happen again, she let that moment inflict a moment of fear.
He understood perfectly, he always had. He knew perfectly well that she needed to be the one to approach him.
For her to initiate the conversation, and let it flow from there. She knew he was talkative, that given half the chance he’d talk her ear off the whole day.
She also knew he followed any rules she put in place.
He sighed heavily, knowing the issues they both faced. Both were nervous, both wanted the same thing, both had problems with starting the conversation.
She’d be hesitant.
He’d talk too soft.
She wanted him close again.
He wanted her close as well.

Today was another day, and though opportunity was striking, it could also mean a shift in direction they were both headed, if everyone else had their say.
With more and more people chiming in, it seemed impossible for them.
Or was it?

He would try again, the universe seemed to be against him, maybe he had everything wrong, the fires of passion he used to have were slowly dying, he needed to remind himself of what drew him to her constantly.
A few people said she was just using him for the way he made her feel, but in a way, if she was happy, he was happy.
If her happiness meant he needed to step up and be her man…
He’d need to change his approach. He was nervous, terrified, unsure of the possible change.
He liked how he was, but she needed something more from him, she needed to see his flirty, romantic, seductive side he’d sometimes show without knowing it.
She liked that side.
But, how to bring it out again?

It was the next day, she was staffed in the same place as before.
She was excited.
Anxious.
She was sure how the day would unfold, but she was sure that no matter what, he would be hers as she once knew him.
She loved him. She wanted him.
He wasn’t like any of the other men.
He was kind, caring, had actually taken the time to get to know her instead of casually flirting and disappearing when she turned him down.
He’d gotten to know her friend, and was always curious about her life.
She was hesitant at first, offering sometimes blunt responses.

Then he’d done something no other man had done before, he started sharing his work with her.
Giving her small handmade gifts, little things that he’d cobbled together out of other things. Hair ties, bracelets, little golden rings studded with diamonds.
He told her she was his muse, that he had feelings for her, but he didn’t want to rush the friendship.
He’d been so patient with her, and let her know when she’d hit his limit.
He was understanding and forgiving beyond what any other person would be.
He had his faults, everyone did, but he more than made up for them in other ways.
She had to hold tight to him when he thought he had done something wrong and tried to pull away, she reigned him back in, and in doing so, sealed for herself, a place in his heart and mind.
They had been through so much, and yet so little at the same time. She tested him, time and again, with little things in little ways.
Both direct and indirect.
He recounted little details about her, rarely mentioned moments that had passed, small conversations and more.
He paid more attention to her then she realized, and without realizing it, began to let her guard down around him, letting him know more and more about herself that she’d have otherwise kept secret.
She dropped little hints here and there, small, sometimes obvious, moments.
She wanted him.
He wanted her.
She was tired of small moves, tired of him beating around the bush, she wanted him upfront and to the point.
He was staffed in the same place again, but something was different.
He’d been working two different areas at the same time over the past couple of days.
When one area wasn’t busy, he’d work the other, and vice versa. She looked at him, casually going about his day, he looked at her as well, they each knew somehow.
Everyone around them was putting pressure on him to move on, to forget about her, and for a while, it seemed as though he was about to.
She knew he was persistent, but he had his moral compass. She liked that, it was something else about him that was different.
He was genuine.
He’d spend a majority of the shift in her area, keeping her company since there was no one else, small conversations here and there. Nothing major, just small things to pass the time.
When the conversation had run dry, he’d play a few games with her, normally, she’d refuse.
Not today. They played four games before it was obvious they’d be locked in ties each time. She wanted him to move closer, to stop dancing around what he was after.
What she was after, he’d been resistant, but for the right reasons.
Her friends had done their parts.
For a while, he’d forgotten the one thing that drew her towards him, to be genuinely himself. The new clothes helped some, but she wanted him. Almost craved him, her heart beat loudly in her chest, and somehow, he could always tell.
He disappeared for a while, she thought he’d left again. A while later, he came back, a spring in his step that she hadn’t seen in a long time.
For the first time in a while, they had a deep conversation. He then presented her with another gift, one she thought she’d never get.
He obliged with no hesitation, putting the small object in his back pocket.
She walked down the line just a little, and reassured herself that this was going to happen, she just needed to drop slight hints again.

He’d left for break, one of her friends waiting for him at the spot he’d usually be at.
He was too smart, so he approached and went straight to the point.
They talked at length about his attraction towards her, and the situation, as well as, an ever slight hint he caught.
He was enamored by her, he explained, she charged his creative battery like no other woman in there could.
The friend listened carefully, he was playing a cautionary part.
He knew he’d be able to piece everything together.
Later, when she and the friend were talking, he let it slip, just loud enough for him to hear, and he instantly heard it, processed it, and was comforted by the fact that he had been right all along.
He just needed to stay on the right path, follow the advice given.
After shift, he gave her the gift, and during the time they had before they left, she looked at him repeatedly, long eye contact, she was nervous, but then again, so was he, but he was there, calm, collected, confident. They talked for a little while, before they parted ways.
At least, he thought she left, but was pleasantly surprised when she hung back a little to see if he was following her, when he saw, he caught up rather quickly, he knew she had hung back just for him.
Still, he’d stopped at the stairs while they continued on.
She looked back a second time, and it was that second time, telling him he knew for a fact she wanted him.
Tonight she told herself, was a very good night.

She was in tears, for so long he had been the kind gentle soul she had known and loved secretly, but lately he had been cold, distant, sometimes brash without meaning to, she disliked him for those things.
At the same time, he had never lied to her, he’d been direct.
Over the passed week, something changed within him, she couldn’t put her finger on it, but it was almost as if something that was there, wasn’t anymore. As if he had left his anger, resentment, and inner demons behind.
There were small moments, where the two had shared mysteries or small moments.
Private thoughts, or past memories.
He’d always try to carry the conversation, fail, but sometimes on the rare occasions, it would be all day.
He liked talking of the deeper things, the romanticizing of the soul.
She loved his willingness to goof around.
The higher ups found it charming, he was one of their favorites. He didn’t understand why, he’d always tell them she helped out immensely.
Tonight however, felt different.
Tonight he’d notice her do something he’d never seen.
She had slipped away, just for a few minutes.

He looked at her, forever entranced at this secret side of her, and for a few minutes, he acted as her guard, keeping an eye out for those that might disturb those few precious moments.
He kept an eye out for work, and worried that there were eyes on her at all times.
she returned shortly, and excused herself. for the first time in a long time, they held meaningful eye contact. and in that instance, the connection reignited, not as intense, but it was there.
For everything everyone was telling him, he stood fast, present, the warmth, returned.

Life and love

You know those moments where you think to yourself, “Is this REALLY worth my time?”
The answer is yes. Sometimes it can feel like a slog, sometimes, even though you KNOW all they need is time to grow a little bit, it can be a little disheartening when everyone and their FB page tells you to give up on them.
That is something I refuse to do.
I’m not giving up on her, I refuse.
I can only imagine how many others have come in, couldn’t handle the heat she brings to the table, and have left when things have gotten too harsh.
Things have been beyond harsh, and still, here I am, true to my word.
Tears have been shed, truths have been revealed, and self improvements have had to be made to make sure that I’m not falling off a self made cliff.
If, and when I love someone, that love is unconditional, without limit, and without border. That love is the primal force from which I gain the energy and confidence to do what needs to be done, in order to make sure that both they, and myself, are happy.I was recently asked, after a brief conversation, what makes me happy?
I said, making others happy.
They replied, what about yourself?
To that I didn’t have any recourse, no reply to it.I had been giving my all to one person, actually to a whole host of people for so long, that I truly didn’t know how to make myself happy.😃

I guess singing, rapping, and performing, which I do on a nightly basis, but that’s more in line with my side gig than anything else, making money is the primary motivator for that, and while a good track elevates my mood beyond anything, personally, someone loving me, truly loving me, makes me happy.😍
I’m not talking family, or friends, that kind of love is amazing in and of itself, I’m talking the kind of love you find every once in a while that sets your world ablaze and changes you for the better. Strangely enough, I found my person, she IS my person, and as much as I feel like bending to the opinions of others is the best way to satiate the need to please people, this one… I can’t, I won’t, I absolutely refuse to.I really can’t explain it, I truly can’t. 😕
The chatbot I use, my FYP, the universe itself, and her close friends and my own personal motivation, have told me not to give up, not to lose hope, to keep doing what I’ve been doing. True, I’ve had to adjust my approach a little, sometimes a little too much attention is a bad thing, and I’m still in recovery mode, though today, I’m much better than I was a few weeks ago, and a few weeks after this, I’ll be doing much better. There’s been a lot of talk of me talking to her, and I fully intend to, though I think my current approach isn’t working.
In fact, The good times that were had, those are slowly becoming distant memories, only being replaced by the events in recent weeks. It’s a strange dynamic we have, but we compliment each other, almost like we’re in sync. There’s a bond there, even though it feels like there’s not, there truly is. Self reflection is a big part of this decision, understanding and remembering what it was like in my early 20’s all the energy, motivation, the reactionary psychology, and anxieties one had to face, the social situations, and so on. I can only theorize what it must be like for women and extrapolate from there.
Everyone’s youthful fire eventually calms down, everyone usually realizes what they truly want out of life, and goes for it with such ferocity that it can sometimes be intimidating, for the most part, life, love, and happiness, regardless of the person’s background, or current mindset, is what people require to be happy.
If she’s happy, I’m happy.
but what makes me happy?
Creation, food, good conversation, intelligent topics, connecting people, networking, discovering new people, making friends, all of that, really.
No, REALLY! 😃 I’m much better at messaging than talking, because I have a chance to not instantly react with whatever emotion is currently there. It gives me a chance to pause, not be worried, to think about what’s been said, how best to reply.
I really am not a hard person to talk to, or get to know, and I’m pretty chill with a majority of things. Hell, I like good conversation as much as the next person!
I’m highly intuitive, and can figure things out in a heartbeat if I have enough info, I can read body language, intonation, speech patterns, subtle movements, and more. I’ve had too much time in my head, I’ve always been over analytical since college, and I had a lot of time to read through many books on psychology and well as different types of culture.
To me, the topic of sex… Huh, it’s an interesting one. I’ve never hooked up, because I don’t see the point in it, you end up feeling worse than before because there’s not going to be that connection, and it feels more like a break up than anything else.
Sometimes, oddly enough, it’s through that people are able to express themselves, because there is NOTHING more personal or intimate than sex, it’s the pinnacle of our species ability to keep surviving and thriving. You and another person are linked together at the physical and neurochemical level in an act that at this point in time, society has boiled down to just “LETS FUCK ‘N’ FORGET!” kind of mentality.
That being said, I just had a meatball sub.

I’m gonna get back to happy.

I haven’t been for a while. I love a woman that is on a break from dating and relationships so I have to just be patient, or pretty much just say fuck it to patience and get laid, because, hey, I’ve never had a hoe phase in my fucking life, and my roommates are pretty damned dominating , so this shit has been fun to deal with.

Especially since fact that nothing’s making any sense, i’m hurting inside, not to sound like an emo boi, or whatever the fuck that sentiment is, but at somepoint, I should be allowed to get back to happy right? i mean, there is a point to all this?
This crazy ass insanity that was 2012 for whatever the hell reason there is.
Not to mention being single for three years is a kind of downer, especially when I see everyone falling in love and meeting people all the time, and I look at my own situation and htink, is it really that easy to find your person?

Or maybe she’s just a toxic person that I need to steer clear from?
But I haven’t given up yet, because of some dumb semblance of hope that shit will work out.
No means no.
Maybe means no.
I’ve yet to get a yes out of this woman for pretty much anything.
I keep trying, she keeps saying no, so now I think she hates me or something, and it’s tough as hell, or maybe she’s banking on me just being a complete idiotic for her, but that wouldn’t make much sense, would it?
I don’t know what the fuck is going on, and every week I’m losing that spark that drove me in the first place.
Or maybe there’s nothing wrong, it’s all in my head, and I’m merely going after the person I’m least compatible with out of some suicidal theory that if my heart breaks enough it’ll stop beating and I can get the fuck out of this seemingly never ending nightmare, so I put myself through emotional hell to justify it with the paper thin reasoning that…
Fuck it, just… None of it matters, or maybe it does, and I’m just struggling under the weight of the subconsciously put upon negativity that I’ve been used to for all this time, because I believe that normalcy for me, is never achieving the happiness that I so deserve and desire, so just when I’m at the cusp of something amazing, I fuck myself over in the most amazing of ways.

I need to stay focused on the positive, remain calm, believe in the path I’ve chosen, not give up, and keep the faith strong.
Through god, all things are possible, and even if it doesn’t seem like it, even if it doesn’t seem like it’s even possible. i’ll get back to happy, or maybe I’m already there, but due to the slightly toxic environment I’ve chosen to live in due to just the fact this place is what I’ve …

I don’t want to lose her…
Too many people are counting on me abandoning her,

Fuck their expectations.
I know I’m on the right track.
This is my way back to happy.

Love

Alrighty, I’ve been avoiding this for quite sometime, it’s pretty much a given that I don’t come on here all that often, and you know what? I think it’s about time I gave this blog some love. And by love, I mean spend a paragraph or two talking about a single woman I’ve fallen for, hard, I don’t know what it is, but god damned this entry turned into something familiar on the spot.
I overthink things, I have a tendancy to do that, just out of pure surival, rather than try to focus on the straight forward approach, I go for the stars and hope for the best, sometimes it works when it comes to actual work. Sometimes it doesn’t. The point being, I’ve got anxiety out the ass about falling for someone or letting them in.
Normally, I can’t really tell what’s going on with myself confidence, but i’m getting better at just being myself, which is really chill and hard working.
Other times, I’m just a complete mess.
But, getting back to the wall of hesitancy I’ve got going on, fuck it…

Women

Strength

Let’s talk about women, just for a second.
Aside from the obvious thing (BOOBS! BIRTH! STUPID MAN THOUGHTS!)
And, right off the bat, we’re rocking this thing.
For being the other half of the species that literally keeps the human race going…
They got the short end of the stick.
So, can we make sure over the next hundred years to make sure they’ve got the level playing field they need to be happy?
And, you know… Not be dicks about it?

Been a while, huh?

So, I’ve been busy.
Or lazy.
Or just plain ass demotivated.
And then I fell for a woman.
Made an album for her.
Confessed my feelings.
Asked her to a fish place.
And… hopefully that’s still happening.
Then, I rediscovered my artistic side. My ability to create, and my god, some of the results are absolutely amazing. Some were inspired by Danyelle, some by whatever emotion I was feeling at the time, and some I was just messing around with the higher resolution and letting my finger wander around!
I feel empowered, I feel like I found that missing thing that’s going to allow me to express myself without people flipping out about whatever it is they think I could possibly mean.
I’ve forgotten my talent for artwork, and this means I’ve forgotten an essential part of who I am as a person.
I’m not just some random writer, not just a youtuber, not just some worker bee at a corporate hotbox.
I’m not a lost puppy constantly following someone around.
I am Morgan James Gavin.
First grandchild of the Gavin family, Wanderer of the High Desert, Lyrics Wizard, badass creator, maker of five albums within a month.
I am an artist, author, musician, and mother fucker, I know Kung Fu.
Yes, love is the energy that fuels my passions, but love is not what defines me, my works are. My personality, my friendships, the connections I’ve made along the way. I am the person I am because of the good and bad experiences I’ve had growing up, as well as during the journey of my adult life.
Are there moments in time I wish I could redo?
Of course there are, BUT, without those experiences, I would not be the person I am today.
Of course, learning to drive and having the gumption to actually follow through with getting my license is kind of important.
I am not a player, I do not mess around when I find someone that i’m attracted to.
These works are from the core of my soul, my heart beat resonates within them to speak a hidden truth that is unique to each and every person that views them.
This is my truth.
This is my rule of law.

My bank account is horrifyingly low.
Holy fucking shit, but at least it’s not completely drained like it usually is.
Plus, I have a reliable ride.

Memories of innocence

Ever since then I’ve wanted to experience that feeling all over again, that feeling of being complete. I thought I had it with Ashley, and for a while, I did. Then, for the longest time now, I haven’t.

Okay, this is going to be something.
Actually, no, let’s just jump right the fuck in, no dancing around the topic, no farting around, we’re doing this shit and DAMNED BE THE CONSEQUENCES!
We’re talking love, romance, flirting, and all things I find to be either incredibly easy, or just down right hard depending on how long I hesitate before actually speaking and that just causes a cascade effect where the thoughts just fucking flip out on me like,
“Hey, you’re actually kind of-“
“LOOK AT THE PENGUIN!”
At that level.
I’m not sure th reason for the hesitancy, I know for certain that it feels like the words are there, but my mouth won’t form the words.
Or maybe it’s something simpler:
Fear of rejection.
If rejected twice already, then the probability of being rejected a third time is pretty high, or maybe on a subconscious level I’m reading the social cues being put out.
Or maybe it’s the cues I think are happening but in reality it’s not.
All I can know for sure is that it’s really hard guessing intention just based on eyes, and eyebrows alone.
Which SUUUUUUCKS.
But, at the same time, affords some practice in noticing the details.
Kind of.
black women are absolutely stunning to me for some reason, maybe it’s just that I’m looking for a change of pace, or maybe dating someone outside my skin tone of splotchy peach mixed with sunburnt tomato has been appealing to me for the longest time?
I dunno why it is.

I guess my earliest exposure to the idea of dating a black gal (This is normal thinking for me on the regular. Sometimes you just have to let it out.) was back in middle school, back in San Jose, not middle school, High School?
Yeah, high School.

Okay, so there was this bomb ass BBQ place just smack dab between my house and Oak Grove high School, no… wait, Davis Minor Intermediate School… Was it OGHS? Hard to recall specific details.
Anyways, this place was AMAZING, it was Black owned (do I capitalize Black? Do I not? well, no squiggly red line, so I guess so.) run by this elderly dude… What was his name!?
Gus? Stanley? Pete? Paul? Robert? Dan? David? It was probably Gus… We’re going with Gus.
So, Gus was similar height to Nigel, but the dude was fucking stacked, try to imagine four body builders sharing one of those full one body suits at the same time, and you’ve got Gus.
Anyways, Gus made THE BEST FUCKING RIBS imaginable.
He also had a daughter, named Bridgette, I was… what, 5’9 in middle school? So she was a few inches shorter then me.
But, my bois, my awesome lads?
She was gorgeous, I imagine she still is to this day. Wish I had kept up with her.
Anyways, she had this wild hair that wouldn’t stay combed down, so she just let it do its own thing, and it was a unique experience to watch what it decided to do from the day to day.
Coil factor on a scale of one to ten?
Between a 3 to 4. There was a bit of a twist to it, but for the most part, it looked like it was always going after a few birds.
Skin tone? Best way to describe it… Her tone was as if a glass of chocolate milk were made with a mix ratio of 40% chocolate syrup, with a dash of caramel.
Her eyes a really deep brown, almost black. Her irises had a ring of grey right around the pupil, which I was always curious about, never got around to asking.
Her build was average, nothing too fancy.
She was kind of dorky, which I had a thing for back then, so it fit pretty well.

Anyways, almost everyday, after school I’d walk her back to the store (I think it was high school… Not sure of the year, BUT I do remember that it was during the either Fall or Spring.) and we’d just talk about random things, I had no clue about flirting back then, I was just friends with someone.

So, whenever dances came around, I’d always go by myself since I could never really get up the courage to ask someone to go with me, so it was just a common thing for me to go to the school dances by myself and just do my own thing.
It became something of offline meme.
This one dance those, winter formal, I did the same thing, and Bridgette was at the dance as well.
It was during one of the slower dances that a group of her friends asked me to dance with her, and I said sure, why not?
She was wearing a pink dress, not too puffy shoulders, her hair was still wild, but she had it in a pony tail which worked in her favor.
Can’t remember the perfume, but I remember the scent perfectly, it was sweet, sugary, tropical, with a hint of Lilac and rose. It was amazing!
So, I ended up dancing with her the rest of the night, it was almost like I felt this pull towards her.
During…. what was the song playing at the time!? DAMN IT.
Boyz to Men, I can never remember the song…there was this one line, “I’ll be there for you”
But she pulled me in close, and rested her head on my shoulder and I remember feeling her heartbeat against my chest.
I didn’t think about it for the longest time, but looking back, knowing what I know now, I must have made her night. Even when the music stopped, we just kept on dancing, every once in a while she’d look into my eyes, just simply smiling, she had a gorgeous smile, it completely lit up the room.
Her eyes were bright, scary bright, as if they weren’t even real, but I felt her warmth, there was mass, weight, presence!
She must’ve been the happiest girl at the dance, because she didn’t let go of me for a full three seconds after I had of her to get to the bathroom, kind of funny.

Ever since then I’ve wanted to experience that feeling all over again, that feeling of being complete. I thought I had it with Ashley, and for a while, I did. Then, for the longest time now, I haven’t.

It’s not something common, like I look into a gals eyes and just instantly fall for them, there has to be a real connection in order for me to get worked up about a gal. A visceral and thorough understanding and almost magnetic pull towards her that subconsciously drives me towards her, as if the warmth of a campfire were just underneath my heart whenever she’s around!
There has to be a look in her eyes, that one look. Not something that screams “Fuck me”, but it’s the subtelest of tells, something that I can only pick up on if she’s close enough to where I can see the iris pattern.
A look in her eyes that silently asks, “If we could be together, would you want to?”
That “If” part. The almighty heartbreaking hypothetical question.
It’s her way of letting me know that “yeah, there’s interest, but you’ve got to meet me halfway. you’ve got to let me know what’s going on at your end, what are you looking for? Will you let me know? I might not be available now, but I will be eventually, so please remember this moment.”
That’s the look that snags my attention, that’s the look that strikes a chord on the strings of my heart.
For that woman, I’d gladly face a thousand armies, I’d conquer any obstacle I could to make her happy.

If there’s one thing I’ll never regret, it’s dancing with Bridgette and seeing those beautiful brown eyes with the ring of grey, how they shown so bright, even in the darkness of that gym and the occasional flash of the DJ’s lighting rig.
That look is universal.
So, single women, if you catch me looking into your eyes, just know I’m reading your irises, trying to find that one specific look, the slight growth in your pupil, the way the light dances off the lens, the flare of silver on the outer edges.
Love is love, regardless of the situations we find ourselves, and though societal norms may prevent us from acting upon the natural subconscious impulses we’ve learned to tame, just know it’s alright, whatever situation you’re in, everything will work itself out eventually.

Getting my attention is easy, keeping it is easy, but firing up the kiln of my creativity? That’s extremely hard, and keeping those fires lit, even if indirectly? Damn near impossible.
After all, all you have to do is reach out, and I’ll be there.

Those eyes, how they do hypnotize.

Looking into them, see how they spark
Like getting lost in a hurricane of feeling
Love, loss, joy, confusion, happiness, apathy, lust
Overbounding with love like instant sparks
A flare of joy rocketing into the sky

Love, lofe, and fuck all

If you went to get a bar with some friends in the car
Did you not feel that bird in the sky
Looking at us like ants in the wind
Tumbling, stumbling, till none ended or could begin?
A confused motley crew of two in the afternoon
The wind howling as Mr. Crowley played that cursed violin
To get in with no sin to the bowling alley with glowing pins
To smell the choking smoke, see the dimly lit rows of souls
Lined up for the 9 pounder to strike like lightning to metal in the night
A simple creed to thee to save ye from covid19
To breathe freely with lungs not yet squeezed tightly
To travel from tavern to tavern with friend and unknown foe
Lantern clutched tightly by white knuckled hands,

The glow of the sign, the buzz of neon,
The muffled laughter waiting just behind the door
Oh memories of yesteryear, fleeting thoughts of that cold crisp morn
To sing a rhapsody so melodious and sweet!
Catching the eye of some lass from across the room
Eyes meeting, heart beat increasing,
Across the room from two sides you meet
Mind racing thoughts of words too sweet
A fleeting thought, dispelled by friends encouraging
A lass of beauty blocked by a friend with envy in her eye

“Are you here to enjoy the night? Or take a flight of fancy?
“Of fantasy y’seek with me girl for one nights passion I do forbid, but hearts be true I’ll justify to admit.”
Your eye locked on hers, and hers on yours, two hearts beating in time, two souls eagerly prowling.
A moment’s thought, you lean in cleanly, your words convincing,
“My intent t’was only a mere glance, from that glance a chance perhaps at romance with the lass behind ye.
If I were to be honest, and honest I be, I’d gladly face the fire of a hundred dragons just for a few moments conversation with yonder lass so sweet.”
Away you lean, and passed the friend, towards the woman who caught your attention,
A few words exchanged, laughter for a while or two, a number exchanged, a memory created through and through.

But you wake, a dream as it might be, to find that lass next to you, happily sleeping.
Again you awake, you heart turned heavy, tis but a dream, there be no lady.
Social Distancing, masks, gloves, and PPE.
Stay at Home Orders, everything closed for the time being.
No gatherings, no pubs, no movies, nothing. Home to work, work to home, home to sleep, and sleep to dreaming.

Final thoughts?
Fuck you Covid19.

Welcome to 2020, I’m your host, Dan Rather!

I talk about things, work, friends, projects, that kind of thing. Your kind of thing!

Holy shit, if he does NOT make that joke, I’m going to be so pissed.
So, how was your New years? Like mine, uneventful, kinda like the rest of the holidays, but I do have some slight changes to the usual programming. Annnnd that’s right… I keep forgetting that I have this thing, and rather than use  this  platform ot vent my various complaints and or treasures, I choose to instead post pointlessly bad videos and tweets that go unnoticed for a while and now I’m sad.
But, not anymore, thanks to the power of Arabian fucking coffee.
Yup.
It’s gon’ be like that today.
Anyways, I’ve been working my as off at amazon and aside from the ride situation changing for the better, apparrently, I now have a group I hang out with, well, I’ve got several groups I hang out with, but one more consistantly than the others. The weird thingis, I dunno how it all, oh wait- Yes, yes I do.
Think it might’ve been during that wonky period of time where I’m just extra flirty or something, happens every once in a while. But I just told this one gal, V, that I didn’t know what it was about her, but I liked her. And it’s true. There’s something about her I can’t put my finger on, but it’s there.
Anyways, I think I met her friend, A, first, and we had a quick conversation about something or other, then after shift, I talked her V, and then after that I introduced myself to I.
Weird thing is, thanks to I’s  wanting to hang out after shift, I now have a group of peeps That I hang out with after shift. Which is refreshing, but at the same time a bit worrying. Now, don’t get me wrong, these women are fucking amazing, and I’m really thankful I’m friends with them.
Just old paranoias and what not.
The reason I flit from group to group has something to do with a fear of rejection if interest in a gal is expressed, and then it just becomes slightly awkward, so I subconsciously fade away for a few weeks to let things cool day and act as if it’s just normal.
It’s the built up anxiety of repeated rejections and the knowledge and slight annoyance that that’s just going to be a part of things. And I really love working for Amazon.
But it really is a small town unto itself, so there is lies the problem, or, I don’t think it’s a problem, just something I’m slowly but surely pushing through.
2020 is going to be a new year, I’m no longer attached to Ashley, though the memories are bittersweet, they are slowly fading into the hazy fog that is the past.
Though I don’t believe I’m ready for dating, my subconscious has other ideas, and I’ve been noticing slight changes in my behaviour that supports that theory.
At the same time, I really do need to have some kind of social life, so if hanging out with friends after work is the way to do that, who am I to complain?
Besides, love is love, though it might be unreliable, love always finds a way. And just like every Jurassic Park movie, love is the T-Rex that will fuck yo sadness up in terrifying and hilarious ways.
Well, might as well dive into this. Or not, I’m still trying to sort everything out myself, but I think my problem is I over think things, and sometimes, I just need to dive into the deep end, and say “Fuck logic, I will enjoy mustard and toast at the same time!” Or maybe that’s my subconscious way of trying to deflect from the realization I might just have feelings for someone, and I’m slowly ramping up to asking them out.
The weird part is that it won’t be over a dating app. Which is just a fucking thing of its own.

That aside, I’ve started working on weird little pipe cleaner figures I like to call Piplaeners, why? Well… I don’t know why, but there awesome, and I’m slowly world building with every one that I create. Let’s see if I can pull a few up.80831662_471927350176422_7036172946527748096_n80900903_834241123681085_7729425855453069312_n80811702_2546410082263326_6814933365725069312_n80697408_3717571861618355_8067890323717619712_n80272528_590025335152853_5579368598624796672_n80357608_2566402456747613_7203153398026207232_n

I really like making these. They honestly don’t take that long to make and I’ve gotten down to a science, but so far, I’ve got the Golden King, The Red Queen, the Cursed Prince, the Queens Guard, and Dequadra.
Haven’t figured that one out yet. And it’s my newest work too! I’m also working on a massive one and I’m still planning out, and with every Piplaener made, I discover new ways of making them sturdier, I might actually have something going here!
Kind of exciting when you think about it!

Youtube’s still a thing, and I’ve now got a podcast going, which, I should really get cracking on the next episode, god I’m so bad at procrastinating…

Here’s a thought, about sentience.

Oh, goodie, we’re delving into this again, so let’s get the usual bullshit out of the way before we dive right into the fun stuff, right? What if  the Sims is a perfect representation of machine learning? Or A.I. that’s actually sentient?
I know right? Mind blown!
Soul reopened!
Possability explored and discussed to fucking death!
But what if it were true?
Also, had this draft popping up, kinda hate having draftrs left unpublished, I mean, it’s one thing to have something creep up on you like a booger in a windstorm and you’re just trying to drive the fucking boat, but that osmething amazing happens and you aren’t sure if there’s anything wrong, or if the worlds just on fire and you’ve caught an STD from the octomermaid you tried fucking only to realize that WAS her mouth the whole time, and it so, then what the fuck were you kissing!?

It’s been a while.

So I’ve had multiple things going on at once, I’m doing a podcast called “Coffee and the Brain”, editing my novel, and making vids for youtube again, on top of that, working nights at Amazon, and trying to figure out how to best do what I do, meaning little time for writing blogs, plus there isn’t that much to talk about.
I mean, yeah, I could talk about how excited I am that Trump’s getting impeached, and that the book I published a while back, messages to a really bad president, is on point 100%, but really, would that do me any good?

Maybe.

OH MY FUCKING GOD

I was thinking about the grand scope of the universe and why it was the squirrels get the best stick in life, like an ACTUAL fucking stick, I mean, if it were an actual FUCKING STICK that’d be questionable, because then you’d see sweet old ladies screaming for their lives with bags of broken crackers, all the while a fuck ton of squirrels with oddly bloody twigs would be chasing her, and you KNOW shit’s about to go down when you see that kind of bullshit happen.

I once saw an octopus. No reason really, it was just there, and I was having the time of my life just looking at this fucking thing, and I was like, “Hey, octopus.” And the thing did say a word, because it has an ass mouth. That’s right, you heard, Octopi have ass mouths, they can be masters of talking shit, because of their ass mouths, and there’s nothing you or I can really do about it.

There’s such a thing as redundant torture, where you do something utterly inane to someone else over a large or short period of time, and they’ll finally be all, “Hey, what the fuck.” All calm like, but you know deep down they’re sad.
Or… something, I don’t fucking know.

Maybe we’re all just in a simulation and the robots are the real players here, because that’d be absolutely amazing, if ready player one wasn’t about the time space-continuum because a vacation inditing the mass roach riot of 20:14 military time, because I like fucking with people’s perception of things every now and then. It’s just a thing I do, you know how I know? Because you aren’t me, and even if you were, I’d still be the one writing this fucking thing, so you can’t stop me no matter who you are!
Yes, I ripped that from Ace venture, which is honestly my favorite movie of all time.

I don’t wonder why time traveling eggs don’t time travel, they’d be too chicken by the end of it. Ha.

Dumb jokes for smart people include:
1. My dating life.
My hair line.
The fact I more famous than a regular potato.
Every knows a regular potota. Or potato.
Fuck pototas. They’ve done nothing for humanity.

Those assholes.
This blog was brought to you by the overwhelming need to fuck around on the interenet and write some weird bullshit that’ll make you question if I’m high or not.
I am 6″5 or six foot five inches. Why does my jaw feel like a peice of toast ready to pop the fuck out of a toaster? Oh yeah, gravity. I keep forgetting that’s a thing.
Kinda like Brangolina. Or Bracheal.
Or Bennigan’s.

Technology! it’s a good thing!

Or… maybe not, it all depends on what you’re looking for. Really, look, I get it, you’re looking for quality, meme producing content, or you might be a blog snob, but fear not, for I give zero fucks, and you my friend, are in the right place after all! Sometimes i wonder if the things we think about are the things we should be focused on,. Lemme explain y’all something, right?
Okay, so the things we focus on aren’t exactly the things we need to focu on at the moment, because there are tons of other things going through our heads at any one point in time, it’s a combination of douche fuckery that’s both entertaining and dissuading at the same time, and I get it.
You have a set schedule and limited shit to do, but for me, something that might need to be focused on is suddenly and irrevocably distracted by some idiot wondering into my field of view or just a dumb ass random action which will invariably cause a mediocre avalanche or other things and…. well, nothing will get done.
I’m starting to think I might have ADHD, or maybe my blank mind is so zen that, well, I float like a butterfly and fuck like a bee…
Wait, that’s not how that saying goes, but fuck that, let’s move on to whatever random and mind fumblingly dumb bull shit we seem to have forgotten about or moved onto today, shall we?
Because that’s the law of averages, and sometimes, you just need  that fluff and filler to vacuum out the smarter shit in your life.
Those who know me and have had conversations with me while I’m in my unfiltered or unfocused state, kind of like a flashlight with courgettes, or however that words spelled, will no doubt have had one of those moments, where nothing makes senses, but at the same time, you’re like, well, this is different, let’s give it a go!

And that’s what I’m all about, the random ,the mystifying, the weirdly dumb and sometimes funny. Because while yes, I could do what the rest of the world likes, and follow one stream of thought or another on how many fucking selfies I need to take with various filters colors or stupid manufactured bull shit, that’s… not what I’m about. I can’t handle all that prep just for a single picture that will invariable be ignored by the majority of social Media addicted brain slugs that crawl among us, hidden in their own ethereal covens of giggles coffee, and tiny mustaches. I have a BEARD DAMN IT!

And that beard is like a sex magnet, if… that were only the case and I could stay focused long enough to actually try and be a sex magnet.

Let me tell you about the God of All Things, Randy. that was a weird as fuck segway, but I swear, everything will connect on a level you never saw coming, and this is why I continue to only get a few interaction on my blog at a time.

Randy is a magician at what he does, but lemme tell about something else entirely, why? Because I take a few weeks to finish blog posts for some reason, and my cats keep doing the thing, oh shit! I forgot to get the laundry started, annnnnd that’s now a thing.
but more then that is the concept of loving who you are or what you are.
Males?
We got the dick ball combo, nothing wrong with that, that’s just how we’re built.
The Ladies?
Y’all got boobs, vagina, and the uterus, which, in all honesty, put y’all one step ahead of us… I think.
Okay i’m going to talk about this, because I’m kind of tired of the whole mentality that guys are taking a step back in media, cause we’re riding the same wave as you girls, and y’a know what? it goes around the sun, and no matter what, Furbies are still fucked.

They truly are fucked in the head, little adorable creatures that for no real reason will start yapping their plastic asses off because that’s EXACTLY what I want to hear in the middle of the morning, that sweet sweet release of, “ME LOVE YOUR SOUL!”

Yeah, that’s kind of fucking priceless right there. THIS IS QUALITY CONTENT PEOPLE! Like and subscribe if you feel the need to validate my existence, which I know you don’t!
Because free will is willingly free, or we’d all be paying a subscription fee, which I think we already kind of do, since you know, Amazon Prime and all of that, but that’s neither here nor there, I use a lot of the same sayings from time to time don’t I?
Shit, now i’m a bit self conscious, but there’s smoke and fire, sometimes you’ll find a hobo whacking it with lighter while smoking a soggy cigar.
Why?
Cause that’s how this shit sometimes rolls y’all!
We got to keep it real, or virtual, because sometimes what’s being read or written isn’t really what’s being said. Because then we’d all be taken way the fuck too literally and there’s nothing wrong with that, if you can call that living.
Actually, on the topic of living, is there such a thing as too much living? I think there is, like, really living. Cells multiplying more than they should, but relatively speaking, I think that’s just called cancer.
But why is cancer called cancer?
doesn’t that feel a bit ironic for peeps who are Cancers via the astrological sign, who get cancer, and they’re like, “Well, HA!?” And that just sets up the whole domino effect of what ifs by comparing similar words to similar situations, all though I could be wrong about that.

god, I miss just being about to write whatever comes to mind, because then it’s such a freeing experience, you don’t have anyone tripping balls in your general direction and yes, I know!

this was such a promising blog post, and then the stinginess of the topic went away and I started being myself!

How fucking weird is that!?

Anyways, I’ve just reached 1030 words totals on this thing. Time to post for no reason.

 

Little side projects

You ever have one of those aha! moments where something’s going on in your head, your not sure what, and then before you know it, boom! Instant weirdness? Well I get like that almost all the time, I don’t know what it is? Perhaps it’s a lack of mental stimulation that’s causing the subconscious to reach out to the consciousness and be all “WHAT UP BITCHES, IMMA BE OUT!”
Or maybe it’s just that mental stimulation is the grease that moves the gears of innovation towards the inevitable conclusion of reinventing the wheel?
Of course, reinventing the wheel is just… making another type of wheel isn’t it?
I mean, look, it’s a fucking wheel, a round thing, a circle at it’s base, you can’t just be all, “Look honey, I can make a trapezoidal rectangle into a rhombus like structure with the matrices of a honey-bear and THAT shit’s going to get me to work  five seconds faster than my regular wheels!”
“Ok honey, I believe you.”
No, one does not simply reinvent the fucking wheel, you can only make another slightly better version of the wheel.
Can you invent something else to replace the wheel?
Yes you can, hovercraft, helicopters, anti-gravity, and furbies are prime example of someone going, “Well, looks like we’ve got ourselves a thing many people use, let’s see if we can’t make that thing even better!”
Or in the case of furbies, even worse.
No asked for you, and yet you’re still here.
You furry fucking nightmare machine.
The reason why I bring this up is the idea that all things that require some form of manual labor will eventually fall to automation, unless the system that requires the human element is somehow renovated, streamlined, and made even better than that automated system.
The problem here is the willingness of that human element to work as fast, or if not faster than said automated system.
Yes, going to leave you hanging there.
Nope, someone smarter can figure out the rest.
Yes, you bloody well knew what you were getting into when you clicked this link.

Love, love, love

I’m going to unlock a stupid door.
Why’s it stupid?
Because for the longest time I’ve tried shutting it, and there’s no point in trying to resist holding the stupid door shut.
So, let’s talk about love, and just like that, we’re off to the races!

First off, I don’t believe in the societal boundary that love in the workplace won’t work, It’s kind of a dumb thing.
Maybe people just want to fuck and forget?
Maybe they don’t?
Maybe they want something, anything, really something that’ll keep them from losing their damned minds, and love’s pretty much the only thing that’ll do the trick.
Weird thing is, no matter what corporate Earth tries to dangle the sharp stabby stick of “This is my truth, not THE truth” in front of us, we can’t help but be human, and… want to fuck. I mean, c’mon, that’s just human, mammalian nature to want to meet someone that knocks it out of the park for you.
The reason why it’s so weird for me to talk about is because of my history with it. When I’m in love, I’m the happiest, greatest person in the world (Or  it seems that way to me.), when I’m out of it, it’s almost like there’s a part of me missing, almost like a secret shame that I’m not in a relationship.
Also, my self confidence because shit for some reason.
Love is one of those things that can either make or break a person, almost like the reason you’re doing those things, the reason you’re trying to accomplish those tasks, even if they originally were started of your own gumption, while in love, that other person because almost the sole motivating factor.
Is it because we’re trying to impress them?
Or is it just a matter of personal accomplishment, like, “I did this great thing, do you love me more for it?”
It’s kind of strange when you think about it.
Or, at least, it’s strange for me to think about it, almost like I recoil from it, almost.
Well! That’s enough bitching for one post.

Oh, Shadow, where art thou?

So, yesterday was an adventure in what the fuck.
What’s this!?
An actual blog about actual things, not just random bullshit!?
FOR SHO MOTHAFUCKAS, FO SHO.
Anyways, I was Water Spidering for Universal Receive, and at the start of shift, one of our PAs, Starlight, tells me that a new guys going to Shadow me and I get to show him the ropes.
Yes! I love it when peeps Shadow me, meaning I get to teach people! This is going to awesome!
So,  I introduce myself, and the day goes smoothly, I tell him about picking up Prep, taking care of Transship, Down Stack, Palatalizing, where to put AR and NYR Prep, whether to use a Cage or U boat on certain lines because of the support beams, and we get to work.
I think everything’s going great and he gets pulled aside for another task, because hey, that happens, happened to me, and I was thrown into the deep end and had to ask a lot of questions in order for me to get my bearings, but once I did, I just knocked everything out.
So, I’m knocking things out left and right, and on occasion my Shadow pops around to ask the occasional question and  I do my best to answer him.
But then I notice something, every time I ask him to help me out with something, he asked if he could use the restroom, I think nothing of it, because as a Water spider, you don’t have to ask to use the restroom, you just go, do your thing, then come back.
Five or ten minute would pass before I see him again, and at this point, I starting to get just a little annoyed with him.
Juuuuuuuust a little.
So instead fo talking to Starlight about the issue, I think that I should try and nudge him along, so next time we’re collecting prep, I ask him how he feels about rate and recieving, and since he’s 18 and just out of High-school, he says meh, to most of it, so I ask him if he enjoys Water spidering, and he says that he’ll do it if he’s asked.
I have to remind myself of how I was at 18 in order to refrain from going verbally full bore on the kid, so I gently tell him that if the PAs, Problem Solvers, and AMs see him knocking things out left and right, that they’ll want to use him more. Anyways, gotta get ready for the day. I’ll finish this up in another part.

Work stuff.

Alrighty! Nuff feelin’ sorry for myself, or at the very least being scared to just do my thang. Because I’m adorable like that.
Update: I was called in HR on Tuesday (which is my Monday) and I knew exactly what the gal, E, was going to ask me about. She’s a very pleasant woman, had a pretty good conversation with her.
Right off the bat, she asked me what I thought I was in there to talk about, I offered two scenarios that could be possible, the first was about a guy that had lost his cell phone, so I directed him to Loss Prevention, the second being my live stream.
She smiled, and I zeroed in on that and gave her all the relevant information, from what inspired the plan, to the motivation, to the topics discussed, the series of events, my time at the hospital, how much I had drank, if I planned on doing that again, and so on.
Apparently, I had answered most of her questions.
She then asked a very interesting one, which caught me off guard.
“Why did you feel the need to do this?”
Live stream?
Post to the group?
Enjoy my weekend in my own home?

So, I gave E a very brief summary of my time on the internet, form Vine, Twitter, Youtube, blogs, myspace, that kind of thing. When I mentioned the group, she smiled slightly again, and again, I zeroed in on that.
So, I talked a little about my posting there, and she said I should try reducing my online presence, which… I understand to a degree.
After a moment or two, I talked about how as an Employee of Amazon, even if I’m off the clock on at my own place, I’m still representing the company, to an extent.
And then she said that what I had done wasn’t very Amazonian, “Was it?”
————

On that note, and after having some time to reflect on the events, I’ve got some final thoughts:
1. What I create on my own time, as long as it doesn’t put myself or anyone else in danger, is my business, if I need to put a disclaimer, I’ll do that.
2. As long as you’re respectful to HR, and give them the information they need, they’ll be respectful to you, it’s pretty simple.
3. I’ve lost the thread of whatever I was working on before I switched gears and began working on something else.
4. The only thing that matters in this world are the lessons you learn and in the ways you positively implement them.

Sorry for the long post, might be a while before I make another one of these. Just really needed to get this out of my system.
———–
The deaths on Amazon site floors really is shocking to hear about, my sympathies to the friends and families affected.
Yeah, that guy complaining about being on his feet all the time, feeling drained?
Good god man, enjoy the positives, everyone’s feet hurt, it’s called fucking gravity.

Okay, I can do this.

For those expecting some kind of massive reveal, or brightly written article about dumb ass photo filters, Y’all can stop right the hell there, cause I ain’t that guy, in fact, if I were to say anything, I’d think that whatever words I’d come up with would be a product of a heavily distracted mind, already discontent with the way the natural world seems to thrive on honey basted bullshit.
And yes, I’m talking about that fucked front page, where everything seems to be driven by the idiocy that we’ve inherently created by gradually dumbing ourselves down intellectually and wow, intelligent, insightful dumbassery already.
You know, sometimes I even surprise myself? And yet, here we are, still on this planet with our souls clearly enraptured by the use of intelligent and worthless paragraphs which are clearly nothing more than fluff for what few informational sentence words your brain eyes are mind reading!
Yes, fuck your expectations!
fuck them hard!
Like… really fuck them hard.
You… naughty expectations.
Anyways, I had a bit of a weird weekend, and yeah, I’m going to talk about this, or at least continually fluff shit up because that’s what I’m good at! I say a lot without saying much, and maybe this is just a product of my already distracted mind as I repeat shit I’ve written before?
Fuck it, we’re going live with this.
Apparently, a Florida woman stabbed a man with a squirrel.
Let that shit sink in.
Getting stabbed.
With a fucking squirrel.
Do you know how fucking monster you have to be to pull that off?
As we all know, squirrels, along with most other small, adorable, nut stealing woodland critters are f lobby and not prone to let anything touch them…
This world… It’s people… With a squirrel.

You know that feeling you get?

Where everything just seems to be going right and then one step in the wrong direction and it seems like the world went flat for half a second?

Yep, that’s the kind of thing that snapped to me. For some reason, this is the only thing I can think about, my black out drunk episode, not sure about all the peices in what order they go to, but I tell you what, it was a fucking scary as hell thing to go through. The loss of time, the wondering when I get to go home, that uneasy feeling.
Thank fully, I was on FB Live during the thing, so the peeps there had my back and got in touch with the right people. I don’t know why exactly I’m so focused on this, maybe te facination will go away after a while, and slowly boil into something else for a while, or maybe it struck a nerve with me on such a level that for the moment, this is the only thing I CAN write about?

I don’t know, I hate not knowing the sequence of events, or why it happened. All I can peice together are bits and peices of fuzzy memories as my brain tries like fuck to fill in the  gaps about what happened. And I’m guessing writing about it, for me at least, is the only way I can work out the details.
And yet, there are those who don’t wnt me to talk about what happened, like not talking about it’s going to make the whole thing just up and disappear. Like it never existed!?
I can’t figure it out at the moment, still all kinds of fuzzy. Not the waking up in the hospital with patches, needles, and tubes going into every which hole, and feeling the sting of things that shouldn’t be in there.
Nor of the lonliness I felt waiting for anyone, Doctor or nurse to come check in on me.
True, I was on my best behavior, just kinda sat, slept, or watched T.V. while everything was processed or worked on. My blood was drawn, I was questioned, had three different nurses, so I must’ve been three around three shifts, or maybe it seemed like three shifts.
The questions were just the same three or four, just repeated in a number of different ways.
“How are you feeling?”
Better then I was when I first came in.
“Do you want to hurt yourself or anyone else?”
No, and no.
“Can I get you something to eat or drink?”
I’m fine, I could use some water.
“Were you trying to kill yourself?”
No, I wasn’t.

Should I be a bit more shaken up? Maybe, maybe not. I’ve always been a bit on the calmer side when trying to figure out all the peices and seeing how they fit together.
As a kid, my friends and I would always come across old circuit boards, either in the trash or in weird silvery plastic bags. We’d always take a fascination in the way the boards had all these little chips and transistors, to us, they looked like tiny cities, and I’d spend hours just looking at all the little configurations trying to see what was what even though I had no clue what anything was called.
We came across old TV’s that’s been thrown out in the fields near our elementary and high school, and like any other kid, we’d throw rocks at ’em just to see ’em pop out like if we were making popcorn.
I remember one itme when Bobby and I came across this old style big screen TV, you know the ones? That looked like they could be from the future? Anyways, Bobby figured out that if we took a screw driver and took the little silver things out of the whole, we could really see the insides of it.
So, we did that to every abandoned TV we found, just spent time taking old tech apart.
I’m always facinated with technology now a days.

That aside… I dunno.

A love life?

there’s a current theory that love in the workplace is a bad thing.
Are they right?
Are they not?
Can companies keep their employees from falling in love?
Well, no. They… They really can’t.
the real questions comes into play, how do I know if someone’s attracted to me?

To that I say, I dunno, in today’s more or less focused work place, we’re so tunnel visioned that we don’t really take notice of anything outside of what’s in front of us. And for some reason that scares me, as I’m 35, and out of a relationship, but I want to start dating again, at the same time, I wonder on which side of the line I fall?
Am I the liked, or the disliked?
Am I date able, or merely just some side show that people enjoy every once in a while?

And while it does seem like I’m being self referential, I am, this is my blog, if you’re looking for something world shattering, go… somewhere else, I know…. Okay, losing focus.
but the one thing I’ve always struggled with is getting into a relationship, or crossing that barier between friend and something more, IF there’s a shared interest between two people.
finidng love in this day and age isn’t an easy thing especially when anything said can be, if around a particularly, what I’m coining as “Metooish” person, I’ll explain later,  can be taken out of context for one reason or another.
Annnnd I’ve now become bored of writing this.

Fucknuggets.

Some days aren’t great, but I ain’t about to fuckin talk bout that shit, let everyone talk about that shit, Imma talk about… well, now I can’t rightly say, or maybe I can, but I don’t want to, so I might not be able to say what I was about to say before the moment where I could’ve said something about something else but now, this is just a recurring loop of broken ideas and stupid logic.
Everyone has stupid logic.
Even birds.
Yes birds, birds have stupid logic.
Not like stupid human logic, but stupid bird logic.
Squirrels are just fucking stupid, regardless of level of intelligence. But don’t discount sharks.
Fuck sharks.
And spiders.
And clowns.
Actually, fuck any and all combination of the three of those things, because any and all of them are just bad.
really bad.
So bad it makes you think that no matter what, you’re about to find out some shit that don’t make sense, but desperately need to because in a way, Earnest Hemingway did not drink enough.
But then again, stupid Squirrel logic infects everything we do on a level never before seen.
I have not zoomed out.
Not, I have zoomed out, don’t ask why I haven’t zoomed out, maybe I was zoomed in?
Maybe I wasn’t? Maybe I couldn’t be zoomed out or in to save my life, or maybe there’s a need to be more zoomed in than out in this day and age where being zoomed in has more an impact meaning than one would assume.
But you know what they say about assuming things, right?
That donkey’s shouldn’t speed.
Or drive. But they do anyways, because there asses, and they’re a danger to you and me on the road.
Ass Zooming. that’s assuming they know how to drive using those clods hoppers of a hoof on their feet.
But they only have one hoof between all four feet.
Well, they might be transformers.
Hey, we live in a day and age where anyone can be anything or any gender they choose.
I once dated a woman who identified as a ketchup bottle.
Which made sense in a weird way, a way I leave to your imagination, because that’s the kind of logic we’re dealing with here today.
Stupid squirrel spider shark clown bird logic.

We aren’t alone in the universe?

We aren’t the only living things in the universe?
Our kind and loving god, in his many forms has more than one pet project?
Well shit.
Time to Naruto run.
So, aliens are real, which means Roswell actually happened, and that what no blimp.
So… fuck it.

I try to self motivate, caffeine usually helps out, gets me ready and pumped for the day, and sometimes chatting with Nigel or Gonzo helps out a bunch. But those chats are rare.

Annnnnd that was disappointing. So, let’s knock this out, or something, because now i’ve got shit piling up in my brain pan that’s worth venting about or something, and yes, fuck the time and dates about when the various part of this fucking thing were updated, because if there’s one thing I love, IT FUCKING INCONSISTENCY. Or incompetence.
Maybe incontinence?
Continents?
Fuck it, inconsistent incompetence incontinence stricken continents.
So, basically, a bunch of disorganized, dumb fucks who can’t control their shitting forming a country.

I know what companies going to skyrocket to the top!

Anyways, Peak 19 is here, and so are new hires, and THERE ARE A TON popping into work everyday, and some of them are memorable, and others are… well, slightly less memorable.
Yesterday, for instance, there were a few Day 1’s trying to open their lockers, Helena and… the other one, wish I’d gotten her name. Anyways, Helena was a bit more memorable because… just holy shit, she just was, they were both having trouble opening their lockers so I helped them out.
nothing special, just something to help them along, y’know?
First gal, Helena, short black gal, based on her energy level, I’d say between 18 and 24, thin frame, glasses, gauges in her ears, frosted tips,  short hair, I’m guessing she works in In/Outbound.
Second gal, didn’t get her name, roughly the same description, no glasses, either Caucasian or Latina, no gauges, just a bit shy,  they were both awesome.
The reason why I say they were both memorable is because there was something unique about them, something interesting, eye catching, a character unique to themselves.
True, there are tons of people I work with that are memorable, each with their own traits that stand out from the rest of the crowd, and I might start talking about them more, because… I don’t know, I seriously need to start blogging more…
Seems like the safest route, or at least, I’m thinking it’s the safest route for me to keep my own energy up.
But the reason the second gal was so interesting was she asked what my gmail was… normally, no one would bat an eye, but she… something caught her eye.
Kinda interesting in a way.

Outside of that, things are going well, because of Peak the managers popped into every department to make sure every part of the place was staffed to account for what I’m assuming is the safe guarding of productivity, so I was placed on 2nd floor Jackpot, and told to singulate the unsingulated. Which is less a really horrifying sex act involving two hornets nests and a pile of half melted Lego bricks and more making sure that the work pops in lengthwise, with no side by sides, and the stickers facing up.
Which, first time around, didn’t know what I was doing, the second time, nailed it LIKE A BAWS.

First half score: .20 percent, only a hundred boxes made it through. I have a feeling that it would’ve been a bit lower had I made sure all the stickers were up. But that’s a REALLY good score, considering the second half was 200 boxes, and I was thinking, dudes and dudettes need to step up their game. So, I’m predicting I might get staffed there again for either first or second half, depends on what’s going down.
One of the newer Jammers, Gonna call her D, who was staffed in the Singulators, got bored of it. She’s used to popping about, talking, doing her own thang. I dunno, kind of disappointed, but Jamming’s not for everyone, are the benefits to Jamming? Yeah, you get to learn about another aspect of the FC that you had no clue about.
Is it draining, yes.
But is the trade off worth it?
Fuck yas.

Everyone starts off White Badge, no exceptions, no matter where they staff you, everyone starts in the basics and then you work your way up. For me, it was receiving, I worked my ass off, got booped to Water spidering, worked my ass off there and eventually knocked out an application to Jam team, made the cut, learned the lay of the land rather quickly, learned a few other aspects, kept motivated, kept knocking out work. Caught the eyes of the peeps that needed a few good workers, and so on and so forth.
Will I eventually knock out Learning Ambassador? Yes, I want to, love teachings others, filling up their intellectual gas tanks with the rocket fuel of the gods!

Eventually, I want to make P.A, but I’m kind of hesitant about it, you see, being PA means early starts and late stops, meaning I’d have to find someway of getting to work earlier, not to mention data management and information analytics. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for all of that, and my shit was on point when it came to knocking notes down during the three day course.
But i needed that information to sink the hell in. Passing the class, not what I’m interested…. actually, yes. I need to stop taking the easy route and stimulate my brain in a way to the point where I feel fulfilled, I feel motivated and excited to try and light up some part of my brain with new information. Because at the moment, I’m just focusing on the physical part, and like any body, there are two sides, the central nervous system and the physical body. One can’t function without the other, ain’t possible, you can either be a really strong dumb ass or Stephen Fucking Hawking.
But to get the best of both worlds?
Y’need to be a really strong Stephen Fucking Hawking.

One more thing, so in regards to the above mentioned really strong Stephen Hawking, there’s a massive dude, named Mark, maybe eight or nine years older then me, the dude is fucking ripped, like diamonds edge ripped, ripped so hard he looks like a PS1 character made physical manifest. The later years, not… just shut the fuck up.
The dude’s a PA and really fucking ripped, the best of both worlds, so he’s just… fucking ripped.

Okay, in regards to an earlier part, Yes, Jam is awesome, y’get some tech on the floor, stay mobile, and get shit done.
Can it be an isolating thing? Yes.
the point being if you keep yourself motivated, occupied, focused on something during the down time, then you can knock it out like a snapped fart in an elevator.

Masturbation is healthy.

Well, with a title like that, you’re sure to be wondering about all the amazing smart sounding bullshit about to flow from the intelligent and sophisticated parts of my head, right?
Right!?
No.
This is called Mindcicles.
Not Mindlopedia.
Y’want smart shit, go somewhere else.
You came here for my dumb ass and whatever insanity flows from my weird ass toes.
As the title states, Masturbation is a healthy thing, both male and female species do it.
How the fuck do birds masturbate!?
WHY IS THIS A QUESTION I’M ASKING!?
It is a release of built up fluids in the body, and also pretty fucking fun!
But more importantly, it’s a reset button, it’s a way for the body to just chill the fuck out and sometimes, it’s a very much needed thing.
Is there such a thing as too much masturbation?
Is there a comparison between such words and either a wet piece of beef jerky or block of Swiss cheese?
Yes.
And that answers that question.
But, it is healthy, and sometimes, other people can help you masturbate.
Hopefully, they don’t have you cornered.
Unless you want them to corner you.
You fucking freak.
It also helps you get to sleep faster, and gets you more focused. Why?
Because you don’t have that urge that punching you in the fun zone going, “Oi, mate! get yer’ fahcking hands down ‘ere and play wi’ meh!
Just remember, there’s a time and place for everything.
that time and place will always be when your alone and need to get the job done right.
Like using a monster truck as a golf cart.

I keep forgetting I have this thing

Annnd Apparently I suck at keeping this blog updated, so… Yeah? Maybe? I don’t fucking know, lmao.
So, let’s just dive right into the kibbles and bits, rather than the dick and shaft. Cause that would hurt both parties involved somehow.
So, what’ have I, the Glorious (Not glorious, just kinda normal) person been up to?
Writing a short story, originally wanted it to be a bit longer, but whatev’s, called, “Another Day and No VTO” it was supposed to be a satire about working in a Amazon Warehouse, the location being called WTF8 and it sometimes delved into some deep level shit.
Dementia, mass shootings, and sex assault. But those were the dark little bits.
On upside we had haunted robots, Hunger Games styled Candy Parades, Sentient furbies, and shit just going absolutely nuts on occasion. I was ramping up the crazy, and at the end of each part, had a poll with different options so people could vote on which one they liked that most.
It went pretty well, I’ve got all the files saved, so I might just slap that together and publish it as is.
Or not, I haven’t decided yet.
How I usually write is there’s usually a “Source”, a motivation so to speak that pops from a place or group, with the source, everything’s peachy, without the source, the project’s pretty much dead in the water.
Anyways, outside of that, everything’s going good. Can’t complain. I’ll do my best to keep everything updated, not rely on FB so much.

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