2021 in retrospect

A few things really.I know I’m kinda boring on FB but that’s fine with me, I’m kind of invisible on the whole “Let’s post shit to feel better but end up pissing one or two sad people off” scale, and I try not to buy into the fact that Social Media on the whole is meant to keep people angry and posting. But I don’t really think that’s the case. Social Media platforms, on the whole, are like babies.

Everyone likes babies. They’re the most neutral things on the planet, and it’s just like there are no bad dogs, just bad people who train them to be that way.

Facebook can be seen in a bad light, and it often does, but so can everything else when people don’t really understand.

Maybe it’s just me, but I try to see the good in people, regardless of their past, and it’s the same with the internet, it’s simply a tool, and how we use it and what we receive in turns of feedback determines how we continue to perceive it.

I was live the other night on tiktok, as I usually am, and occasionally I get cohost requests from kids, who for the most part are just being kids. True, most of the time I just hope their parents are walking by with a rolled up newspaper so they can get a smack on the upside the back of they head, but I just let them get what they want to say out of the way, most of the time it’s a few low level insults and I don’t react to it (Thank you twitter and COD community for years of emotional brutalization, assholes. :D) and then they disconnect and I simply go on like nothing happened.
And for those wondering, the spread is 99% adults, 0.5% puppets, and 0.5% random kids requesting to go live with me out of random chance. I don’t seek them out, ever.
I forgot where I was going with this, but as long as the person feels like they did a good job, in terms of how they feel using the tools at their disposal to accomplish the job they take on, they should get papa johns pizza.
Haven’t had papa johns pizza in a minute, I usually order from Dominoes, since they’ve got that sweet sweet 5 dollar pizza coupon I take advantage of and it’s pretty cool on that. Anyways, there was this squirrel I saw running across the street a while back, and I just forgot about it until this point in time, which is okay I guess, anyways, I do free readings on my lives, and it’s kind of bled into everyday things, cause a few people at work have requested them and I’m fine with that, doesn’t happen too often, and it’s been mainly people I’ve hung out with that request them.
I’ve had one or two people be a little concerned about my intent, but I pretty much tell em I just shuffle the deck, read the cards that pop out, and if it connects, it connects. If not, no biggie, it’s just a card game to me anyways. But I can understand on some level both the concern about the supernatural aspects of it as well as the need to get some kind of direction on what to do. I don’t take it to the level of fake readers where they simply spout off some rainbow out the ass, sunshine screaming from the nostrils, disney song and dance routine out the crotch, blow smoke out the nipples romance thing, I just read the cards to them and give it to them straight.
I still keep strong in my faith, still read the bible, and still contemplate what it actually is my purpose in life really is. Sometimes I feel like I’m a magnet for broken people just looking for some level of connection, those that seemingly isolate themselves, who feel sometimes out of place in some level, someone to identify with, maybe that’s my purpose, why I chose “The Doctor” as my nickname as a Learning Ambassador….
Maybe that’s why she’s holding on so tightly, despite our true time together having ended long ago… Anyways, the years 2018 to 2021… have been an experience for me. I’ve had to put a lot of things and people behind me, and accept things that I never thought I’d have to both about myself and about those I thought were my friends.

I realize that a vast majority of people I met at LGB8 won’t really think about me too much, that’s fine, after all, time marches forward, we meet new people and move on with life, and I have a difficult time letting go of people as well, and I’ve had to do that with folks that I had developed deep connections with, and had great conversations, and through these people, and they know who they are, I realized that I, and they, are merely a temporary presence in each others lives, we are meant to be stepping stones in our journeys of personal growth and become stronger for it.

I have been taught some hard lessons, and have had to make huge sacrifices, and some choices that can never be undone.
I have learned that, and this lesson comes from the Gavin side of the family, harsh but true, unless you add value to yourself, no one will ever want you to be in their lives, because they will have no reason to aspire to be as happy as you are, or happier. If you have little in terms of wealth or material possessions, you have little to no value in the eyes of society. It is only through the acquiring of such things can you ever be a part of a group. Those that cannot acquire said wealth or property or make progress in their own lives on their own to the satisfaction of others are to be abandoned by the wayside and forgotten about.
My Dad didn’t teach me that, my mom neither, it’s just been my personal experience growing up with a crippling sense of dread at the fear of rejection that has taught me this, that and because of what I’ve posted in the past, that those who try to crave their own path and believe what they will instead of following the lead of others will to be cast aside.
I have had to overcome a lot of things to get to this point of comfort with myself, and the thought of going back to that level of negative self talk is absolutely not worth it. It was that level of thinking and isolation, and dealing with those who’d think less of me that forged me into the hard worker I am today, I had to go through basic training at Great Lakes to forcibly break myself so that I could figure out what wasn’t working and what was to get here.

Did it have some damage left over? yes. But am I much better person than I was back then? Of course.
My time with Amazon further enforced what I taught myself, that I am inherently valuable to myself, and through my self evaluation and sense of self worth, I could better be of service to others. Through that hard work and that urge to be better, I have made a few true friends and a few people that still require my help till they find the next step in their lives.

I have loved fiercely and truer then I ever have, and I will never regret knowing them because of those results. I have learned to say no, to reject that which doesn’t work for me, and to stand up for myself.

I am looking forward to what 2022 brings, and where I go from here, we only live once, and love many times, it is only through expression of our passion and love that we can truly appreciate the gifts that others have brought into our lives. Harsh lessons and uncomfortable truths are what fire the steel of our souls so that we may better forge ahead and steel ourselves for the wrought iron the world will throw at us.

Are those smithing puns doing anything for you?
Happy New Years, much Love to everyone, friends past, present and future, near and far, known and unknown, and lest you forget, I love you all.
And no, I am not depressed, I just don’t post that often, get distracted by shiny things, and have a weird sleep schedule.

When is the next Dorikame Book coming out? honestly don’t know.

When is my next album coming out and will I half ass it? Soon, and maybe.

Am I single or taken or engaged? That will be revealed.

Am I happy? Are these sarcastic answers answering the question you want answered?
Will I do a reading series for FB? LOL…. I dunno…

Do I still have feelings for her? Men never fall out of love, we really do not, I don’t think there’s a person alive who can truly say that they’ve run out of love for another person. All we can do is wish them happiness and luck in whatever they choose to do with their life. Love is love after all.

O

Here I don’t mind so much.
I’m easily distracted, stressed, and leaned on for a number of things I don’t quite understand. I’m writing whatever comes to mind, as I always have and releasing whatever thoughts come my way, I’m letting the endorphins tell me where to go and what to do, and most of the time, I don’t even understand the why of it all.

O is infinite and all encompassing.

I’m easily annoyed

WTF

So, let me tell you about a stupid ass situation I’m dealing with, fuck it, I’m just going to fucking rant on about a fucking money grubbing asshat I’m delaing with and hope to high fucking hell I get to smack the utter fuck out of them for doing nothing but constantly asking me for fucking money and never really having any god damned actual fucking conversations anymore.

Fuck them, I’m done, I fucking quit them, I have better conversations with everyone at work than I do with this pain in the fucking ass and they know I ain’t sending them shit….

this was in regard to a trip to subway, and there was this homeless man fucking about and I had no beef with this dude, y’all, I was just minding my own dead ass business as a motherfucker should and this little bastard comes up to me a starts bugging me for money, I told that sumbitch, fuck naw, I don’t fuck with cash like that, and he’s like, I guess I’ll see you later then.

Motherfucker, no, you will not talk to me later, I will whoop that ass till the sun comes back down so it can have a god damn turn as well. Talkin bout giving you money, shit, I’d be better served cutting off my left nut than giving you jack shit.

Thing is, I go to Homechef in the evenings and come back in the morning and I’m easily distracted, so let’s move on to crypto where I’ve bought 2 million Shiba with a long term plan of selling that shit off as soon as it reaches 1 dollar a coin.

New Job! And god knows what else.

First off, it’s fucking freezing in that place, god why is it so fucking cold!?
Because it deals with food, and the cold is pretty much the only complaint I have about the place, outside of that, HomeChef is easy work for good pay, and I’m more than happy with it.
Relationship wise, I am with a Lovely woman by the name of Danyelle R, and do plan on properly prosing to her with bended knee, ring, and what have you… But there are some rough patches here or there that I’ll just let slide for now, and hopefully those areas are taken care of.

As for the state of the world?
Pandemic? Normal life at this point, we’ve essentially got Mother Nature going into overdrive clapping peoples asses left and right that somehow needed to go, and we’re trying to prevent as much death as possible.
But the Reapers Timing is the Reapers Timing, God says you go?
your ass is gone.
But, I’m Vaccinated, Booster shot ,and so is Danyelle as far as I can tell, so that’s a good thing. There’s been a lot on my mind as of late that I’ve been trying to sus out for a bit, and that whole thing has been kind of trippy.
i’ve been advised to start charging for readings, and maybe I should I do need to find ways of increasing my cash flow, so I need to start thinking more business minded, maybe finish up taking down notes for my tarot deck and look into getting some crystals, not that I believe in that kind of thing, I really just want a decent set popping about so I’m not so…. I don’t know….. just feels like something off with my life at the moment.
You know that feeling you get when it feels like the gears of your life are turning and you’re moving forward while not knowing it at the same time?
That’s how I’ve been feeling, especially with this relationship with Danyelle, things have been weirdly up and down and I’m kind of not digging the whole transactional part of things, but at the same time, I’m in this for the long haul, and we do love each other…. So there is that whole thing going on.

Not that’s it’s a thing, just… how it goes I guess

Really importantly before I get interrupted since that shit always fucking happens, but the world is larger than you, but you are the main character in your own story, so don’t ever give up on writing that next chapter in your life even if everyone else has written you out of theirs. They are living their own stories and sometimes parting ways is the best way to grow.

Sometimes people hate the idea of others being together for reasons that aren’t stable or understandable, because of whatever reason. And then there are those that the universe gave great talents but whatever reason gives them obstacles to overcome that they can’t, so they get left behind and forgotten. Maybe that’s what my life’s purpose is, just to be a teacher and never progress more than that? Maybe it is… I’ve constantly given up on myself to the point where any time I get the least bit interested in something other people usually are the first to flip out about it because of their own personal fears. So I have to usually bend my life to suit their personal needs, and I’m no longer sure of what way I should face, but I know that any direction I face is always forward.

you never know what kinds of people you’ll meet in life, and regardless of the situation, you have to give them a little bit of patience before figuring out what role they play in your life.

No matter what, never give up. I wish I could get passed whatever’s holding me back, and maybe learning to let go and move forward is the best way to go about that.

What is love? This ain’t it.

I’ve been in 18 relationships, three of them serious, two ending at the proposal stage.
I am currently engaged to a woman who I met at LGB8,

Despite everything, I love her, and she loves me. Though everyone seems to think she’s using me for one reason or another, and I’ve pretty much called her out on a number of things I had found sketchy as hell, and we’ve worked our way through them.
But I love her, always have, always will, and I promised her I’d never give up on her, regardless of how bad things get, and I think she hasn’t really had that assurance of a healthy relationship before, where things aren’t rocky, someone’s just not using her for sex, or not being insulting to her in one fashion or another.
Maybe it’s taking us so long to meet up because that’s what we’ve set the date as when I propose to her, or maybe it’s just that I’m at the age where, it was luck of the draw.
Maybe there’s a whole bunch of things I’m aware of yet that I just need to let play out in order to get the whole picture before anything really clicks into place.

Thing is, I know my worth, and I know what fuels me up, so that I can do great things, and it’s not as if she’s playing me or anything… Hopefully. This has been incredibly hard on me, and although it’s a giant pain in the ass sometimes…. I’m keeping my word to her, and maybe she’s trying to see how durable that word is?
We’re both working really hard to figure things out and be better for each other

…. Love is love, and I love her, she loves me. That’s all that matters, that’s all I see. I love you baby boo.

I’m working again, but let’s start bitching about things

I don’t know why but I fucking hate rainbows. Let’s start there, I hate rainbows like i hate thunderbows, and don’t even get me fucking started on fire bows, because that shit is annoying as fuck, also snowbows and waterbows, because icebows suck too.
Not mention cownbows since those are fucking weird too, as well as batbows, catbows, and drenched sealbows.

the point is the government needs to deal with the homeless population and find a wait to turn the entire percentage of homeless people into a miniature society of its own with the rules of the road being as wild and free as a fart in a tornado.

I’m making no sense, I refuse to, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me, so nyeh.

Deep thinking

I would think that life is a bit easier for you since you’ve got a car and a way to get about, that you don’t have to walk everywhere, you’ve got friends and family that’d love to hear from you. That you don’t live in a house that bounces between moods like a pinball machine.
I can’t pretend like I understand everything that must be running through your mind at a given point, the wage gap, the in equality, the looming threat of not feeling like your measuring up and the put upon pressure by other women to live up to a societal beauty standard that has you constantly judging yourself.
I wish I had the ability to go back in time with the knowledge I have and relive the past and be able to affect it in a positive way. I think about the good moments, the bad, the moments where nothing seems to make sense, and often wonder what a world without racism would look like, a world without evil and anger and hatred. I wonder if that world even exists, because no matter how perfect any system actually is, eventually there will be a crack in it, and in that small divide it would simply grow larger.
I wonder about how it is that despite everything we’ve been through, the smaller moments in time or the larger seem to pass us be without us even noticing, as if we are somehow in between, small enough not to see those larger moments happen, but large enough to not notice the smaller ones. Maybe it’s just that we lack that observational prowess that others seem to have?
I mean, we can look at a picture of a woman or a man all we want to imagine what life looks like through their eyes, try to visualize what they think, see, feel, what the small moments look like to them when they are being who they are in the public eye, like, who are they?
How did they live as a child?
What friends did they make?
Who was they’re first love?
Did they ever get into any fights as a kid?
What about imaginary friends?
Did they’re parents stay together? Get divorced?
Things like that..
How do people see me? How do they see you?
If they didn’t know who we are, how we think, why we think the way we do, how things effect us differently…
I have plenty of time to think of these random thoughts, and maybe people see me as boring or ineffectual to the larger picture that life paints.
Sometimes it seems a little much on the brain, or gets discounted, but my thoughts, and yours are as valid as they ever were.
To be responsible for one’s ideas, or for the ideas of others, or inspire a bit of change, is to think yourself a leader of some sort.
Maybe I’m just meant to be a hermit or something, to constantly shut myself away and think of great philosophies that seem crazy to others but somewhere down the line make more sense when those ideas and lines of thought connect deeper than they should?
Maybe I’m meant to play the fool and let people guide me to where they may s I can learn and grow as a person. Because that’s something you never stop doing, you never stop learning.
I will never really know what it’s like to be a woman in its entirety, because I am a man, just as you won’t completely know what it’s like to be a man because you are a woman.
We can only learn through spending time with the other gender and learn bits and pieces of that experience, but we can’t experience the psychology or the emotions attached directly to that.
We can experience them as outside observers, from a first person perspective?
Unless we underwent the transformation ourselves, we’d never truly know.
It’s just like the misconception that black or white folk have it easier or harder in life, simply because of their genetic make up, while, both yes and no. Each side has experienced the same thing, just in different eras of the world.
So, every race has experienced and employed slavery, discrimination, exclusion, and pretty much insulted each other at some point, either against itself, or against another race, like, every single one.
I read in an article that African Americans are by far the most displaced in the world, subconsciously, whether you want to admit or not, you want to go to Africa and see where your ancestors came from, and reconnect.
The fucked up part is that Africans themselves, in some percentage of the population or another, view you with some level of discrimination and will always think you just as Americans.
Just a small percentage anyways.

It’s the same with me, I inherently want to go to Ireland visit county cork and the Glenn and the green rolling hills and experience going to a pub and feeling like I belong there. But for whatever reason, I know that I won’t be able to.
the difference being, and the divider on that similarity is that your ancestors were taken from their home, where as mine wanted a better life for themselves then they were having.

Yet, in the history of every country, their are immigrants, refugees, internal struggles for dominance, political and financial gain, stories of love, war, loss, and revolution in the constant. There are stories of personal, societal, and structural evolution that are hard fought and won, but not without their losses.
Maybe after a while, people get tired of fighting with each other and with themselves and just agree to try and get along.

A day and a night

Good morning to you, my lovely wife so true
I see you in the morning, you’re so beautiful too
Oh my little one, how you choose to greet the sun
There are so many things to say, You my victory
In the very best way, I love you this way,
You greet the sunrise, I greet the moonlight
Your light warms everything, I’ll act as your spotlight

I’ll never stop shining for you
IF you’ll never stop warming up for me too
you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me
Just the way smile, dance, and sing
Good morning dear wfie, I greet with you a smile
A hug, a dance, a play,
Come, let’s dance in the first mornings sun rays
And should a storm cloud happen upon
Us dancing in the front lawn
Then smile and dance we may
Even if there comes a little rain
For you make me happy
As well as I to you as well
Lets smile, laugh and sing
Greeting everyone that passes as well

Oh my dearest little one
My pride, jy, and treasure
Without you in my life
My heart would surely be heavier
And through it all I might say
Though I might smile, dance and play
My soul would not be as a glow
Since I would be thinking of you so far away

So, let’s be thankful for each other
Side by side as we must be
Always and forever
My only sunshine
Your only moon beam
My Queen of the morning
As well as I, your Moon Rise King

So let’s sing, dance, and laugh as we must
Even though we are so far away
I will be always by your side
As close as your shadow
As far as a dream
You are my Queen of the Sunrise
I am your Moon Rise King…

An authors life

As an author, there really is no final word, no final sentence that ties everything together. The worlds we create, the characters storylines, the adventures never really end.
We stop writing the stories because we are unable to keep up with their adventures, not because we are tired, not because we are parting ways with one adventure and headed towards another, but because we love them so much we can only go as far along with them as our imaginations will let us.
Those final words, those final fleeting moments on the very last page?
That’s just a new adventure beginning.
A new story, a new project. New characters being born in the multiverse that is the creative spirit, and from there, a new symphony of adventures can begin.
Do we think back on them?
Does it bring a tear to the authors eyes to remember where the main character began his or her or their journey?
The first moment we introduced the antagonist or villain?
The first grand twist of the story?
The love, romance, adventure, action scene?
The first continuation?
The first moment the love interest was introduced?
The first rivalry and training scene?
the first moment the family was introduced, or some hidden lore was uncovered?
Authors remember it all in startling, sometimes heart wrenching detail. We spend hours, days, weeks, months, years crafting our existences and the adventures there within.
We remember everything. The good times, the boring, and the bad ones as well.
For us, our artform is ever evolving, ever changing and growing, the time apart makes us stronger than we were before, and the reconnecting to an old world sends shivers of excitement down our spines.
We can’t wait to reconnect to the familiar characters, the faces, and the inner voices that guided them.
I will never see any moment of anything I’ve created, or the inspirations or moments which spawned those moments, as bad things, bad influences, off putting themes.
The fires of creativity have never died in me, have they been suffocated a little? Sure, but the creating never stops. Only changes.
Becomes better with time and patience.
I’ve got plenty of material to work with, plenty of albums to create, plenty of art and vids to knock out. I just have a few pressing things to take care of before I can start work on those things.
To those people that found my creativity too weird for them, too eye catching, or my personality too bold and loud and charismatic, or too freaky deeky for their own styles, let me ask you this:
When was the last time you had the confidence to let loose in front of people you never knew and do something that brought a smile to their faces? When was the last time you dressed like a dork, not because of some event taking place, but because you just felt like it?
When was the last time you were so happy, so filled with love and joy that you burst out in song for the hell of it?
Or just uncontrollably smiled because someone told you they loved you?
This isn’t a slam, or a personal attack on anyone, this is a genuine question born of curiosity.
I want you to be loud, creative, awesome, amazing, pure, rockin giant ass balls of energy just because you can be. I want you to be the best version of yourself that you can be, I want you to find the person you’re meant to be with, and I want you two to be happy.
Because if you find that spark of joy, of love, of pure and absolute bliss, and you hold on to it for dear life, and nurture that spark into a flame, and that flame into a fire, and that fire into a large as fuck inferno that pushes you out of your comfort zone?
you’ll be absolutely amazed at what you’ll accomplish.
You’ve got this, I believe in you, go for the gold. I’ll always have your back, no matter how much time passes, because that’s what true ones do.
If at any point in time I’ve made you laugh, made you smile, made you feel like, “I feel a little better” even for just a few moments, from that very first moment onward, even if we never talked in the same energy again, just know that I’m always rooting for you.
Anyways, this ain’t g’bye, never was, never will be, this here?
Just me starting a new project, a new book, game, album, piece of art. A new blog post.
As long as we keep each other alive in our hearts, minds, and dreams, there’s never really a moment where we’re ever apart.
And I suck at saying goodbye.
So I won’t, besides, my ass is all over the internet, you’ll see me again in one fashion or another.
Time to face the day, that sun is rising, and dear god in heaven, those colors are brilliant.

Well, hey there!

Tiktoks, writing, and love, what else is there in life?

Emotional roller coaster!

I need to talk about this.
I don’t care if someone pulls me aside and goes, “Heeeeey buddy, I saw that thing, why’d you post that thing?”
Because posting about the thing is my way of pushing through my own insecurity about creating content, and for the longest time I never really cared what anyone thought about my content, it didn’t have any direct affect on my life.
I never thought my words or actions had any actual effect on peoples emotions or thoughts, and now, that I have been at Amazon for nearly two years at this point, have forged bonds and friendships. stealth relationships, and had romantic interests, (And yes god damn it I WILL talk about love, because why the hell wouldn’t I?) as well as created this weird as hell Matrix of random connections all up and down the chain of command at Amazon, from GMs, AMs, to PAs, KBS, PS, WS, and AAs, like, holy fucking shit, it’s been a trippy as hell experience, I’m finding myself at a weird stand still.
The point is this, I’m perfectly aware, I KNOW. Truly, I do KNOW where things stand on every level, and I’m trying to balance everything out in my head before I do anything.
Because I’ve been put through what feels like a 36 round championship title fight, been knocked down with a metaphorical punch to the chest and had a ten count to get the fuck back up.
I read somewhere that happiness and sadness unlock or enhance certain aspects of our psychology, happiness boosts up our creativity and sadness enhances our ability to analyze situations, whatever they may be. In order to get to the root problem of this whole thing, I needed to get to that point where my heart felt like it was dropping into a bucket of ice.
Not through conscious choice, but as a matter of the natural cycle of the seven stages of grief, I’ve been through the worst of it, and I nailed it down to the basic. The failure of not taking action, of overthinking, of seeing a straight line and deciding to let the journey curve and twist and pop up and down.
Though I do have hope that reconciliation can happen, I myself can not take any steps towards it, it’s not that I don’t want to, trust me, I do, but I’ve forgotten a very important lesson, that if you chase a squirrel, that little bastards going to dart the hell away each and every time.
However, if you’re patient, and stay very still, and feed the other birds and squirrels at the park, eventually, that squirrels going to want some of that goodness.
By the way, I AM talking about squirrels.
I create stories, songs, lyrics, and Tiktoks, because indirectly, subconsciously, they are messages or adventures for those that want, or need to hear them.
And not being able to be blunt about this is killing me, seriously, I’d much rather be upfront then have to dance around this thing.
I need an apology. I don’t care what channels I have to go through to set up to get one for what went down, but I will get one.
I think that was the straw that broke the camels back for me.
I can forgive a lot, but that? That needs to be rectified, resolved.

Tiktok’o’clock!

That aside, I have reached 7k on Tiktok, so I’m getting close to my goals in terms of numbers, if I hit 10k, I can apply for the creator fund, which means I’ll be able to make some spare change with some of these vids. Which means, I’ll have to find some of the freakier stuff on there to duet or stitch.
I also need to do some more dances, and I’m always down to appear in others Toks, Snaps, Instagram posts, and so on, I’ve never been shy about that kind of thing. I have a few ideas for skits and whatnot, I want to run a few ideas across a few people and see what can be done to make those ideas happen.
Because I’ve got some really cool ideas for a cross platform series!
My largest issue that needs to be worked on is collaboration momentum, the more I do something the easier it is for me to knock it out of the park. It’s just that first initial jump into something that bothers me a little bit.

Music and the Muse!

Music wise, I’ve got three or four ideas for albums that I want to try out, I’ve been doing a ton of crooning tracks for a while, some skit tracks, one or two country tunes, a ton of rap, some tracks with back ground vocals, and some with lyrics to them.
Which I need to get back to doing the ones with lyrics because those are by far the absolute best ones, while the freestyle are OKAY for the most part, I need to find a hook, a way to bring it back in.
I do have a few of those floating around, but for the most part, I’m mostly a story teller, there needs to be a progression in the lyrics, moving forward on a journey.
It’s actually a mental requirement of mine that for a tracks lyrics to really have that OOMPH that I need a muse, which, for a while, I had… have… had… basically, a connection to the lyrics that feels amazing when I get out there to belt it out. thing is, for a while now, that spots seemingly open, as far as I’m aware, since the previous muse wasn’t feeling it anymore.
It’s this connection that allows me to dive deep into my emotional well and brings out the best in what I can do, if I’m inspired, I can just knock it out.
Although, it’s not like anyone can fill out an application for “Morgan’s Muse!” and nail the spot. This has to be a connection that I personally feel, intensely. Specifically, has to be a woman, sorry guys, just the way I’m wired when creating, and there has to be a spark that’s lit when I look into her eyes, like a fireworks display going off in the center of my mind.
Love is the most powerful of emotional connections out there, and if there’s a spark of that, and it hits me deeply, then you’ll know as well, it’s a rare thing, when it hits the CORE of your soul, lights that fire in you, and makes you feel a thing or two about a thing or two because that’s what brings you happiness.
Am I open to repeats? Sure, always happy for that kind of deal, something familiar a return to comfort and warmth, of a souls fire and forging of a reconnection that might’ve been thought lost.
The next album is going to be called “Heart’s Desire” I’ve had the album cover done for quite a while now, but the connection that was behind this has kinda frayed at the edges, but I’m still going to press through with it. I feel uneasy about the album cover, as it involves some old art work I did of a past… current… connection…
That aside, I recently made a track called “She who I’d call queen” from a set of lyrics I wrote, that song is only 1/4 of the lyrics and I’m going to knock out the other three quarters tonight, I might have to redo the original track, since the vocals are a bit on the soft side at the start. But I REALLY don’t want to. I’ll see what I can do about getting an app or two that’ll be able to raise the main vocals a little bit.
I think there’s a bit of magic to how I’ve been able to knock these tracks out, because there is LITERALLY no planning whatsoever, I just grab some coffee, pick a beat I haven’t used before and just go for it. Sometimes it works out, other times I need to do it a few times before I’m satisfied, but people seem to enjoy it.

Sexy Chocolate and the handsome potato!

I get way too excited about things sometimes, like to the point where I get nervous and giddy and everything ends up falling apart, it’s not that I intend for these things to happen, just the way it is, kind of like expecting a surprise birthday party and finding out that well, HOLY CRAP it’s a single person, with a cupcake, and they haven’t yet lit the candle, and they’re just standing there like, WELL, this is indeed a thing!

The point I’m trying to make here is this:
Dear sexy chocolate, come get this handsome potato. OH MY GOD JUST CAME UP WITH THE PERFECT TIKTOK. I need chocolate and a potato.

Author’s Block

Writing wise, I was working on a small side project called Sogno Della Dinastia: Bianco e nero, which translates to “Black and White” I began writing it on Twitter a while back and it somehow fizzled out, it was an interesting concept.
Another series was some romantic thing, IT WAS BALLS OUT AMAZING!

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS A WORK OF PURE FICTION, ANY AND ALL RESEMBLANCE TO ACTUAL EVENTS OR PERSONS IS… MOSTLY COINCIDENTAL, I’M INSPIRED BY MANY THINGS AT MANY POINTS IN TIME. I TAKE THOSE THINGS AND MAKE AWESOMENESS WITH IT.

Here’s a few snippets:

Even without speaking, She was telling him she wanted him too. She sighed heavily at the start of shift, the weight of the world seeming to press down on her.
He knew something was going on.
She later stopped in front of him many times, hoping he’d take notice.
He did, each time.
He smiled, for he knew she was nervous, that she wanted to tell him how she felt.
It was okay, he felt the same way too.
After all, that’s what true love was, the ability to communicate without actually talking.
It was in the little things they did while around one another.
They were in love, and the whirlpool of their journey was winding them into tighter and tighter circles.
She paused, mimicking an actions he’d seen him do many times over by putting her index finger on her pulse, just behind her jaw.
He noticed everything, his heart pounding. Still he remained composed. He loved her, after all.
When her brown eyes met his green, there was always something magical.
She needed to be sure. She didn’t want to be hurt again, she wanted to trust him with her heart.
Her mind flashed back to the first time they argued, and though she’d deny being afraid it’d happen again, she let that moment inflict a moment of fear.
He understood perfectly, he always had. He knew perfectly well that she needed to be the one to approach him.
For her to initiate the conversation, and let it flow from there. She knew he was talkative, that given half the chance he’d talk her ear off the whole day.
She also knew he followed any rules she put in place.
He sighed heavily, knowing the issues they both faced. Both were nervous, both wanted the same thing, both had problems with starting the conversation.
She’d be hesitant.
He’d talk too soft.
She wanted him close again.
He wanted her close as well.

Today was another day, and though opportunity was striking, it could also mean a shift in direction they were both headed, if everyone else had their say.
With more and more people chiming in, it seemed impossible for them.
Or was it?

He would try again, the universe seemed to be against him, maybe he had everything wrong, the fires of passion he used to have were slowly dying, he needed to remind himself of what drew him to her constantly.
A few people said she was just using him for the way he made her feel, but in a way, if she was happy, he was happy.
If her happiness meant he needed to step up and be her man…
He’d need to change his approach. He was nervous, terrified, unsure of the possible change.
He liked how he was, but she needed something more from him, she needed to see his flirty, romantic, seductive side he’d sometimes show without knowing it.
She liked that side.
But, how to bring it out again?

It was the next day, she was staffed in the same place as before.
She was excited.
Anxious.
She was sure how the day would unfold, but she was sure that no matter what, he would be hers as she once knew him.
She loved him. She wanted him.
He wasn’t like any of the other men.
He was kind, caring, had actually taken the time to get to know her instead of casually flirting and disappearing when she turned him down.
He’d gotten to know her friend, and was always curious about her life.
She was hesitant at first, offering sometimes blunt responses.

Then he’d done something no other man had done before, he started sharing his work with her.
Giving her small handmade gifts, little things that he’d cobbled together out of other things. Hair ties, bracelets, little golden rings studded with diamonds.
He told her she was his muse, that he had feelings for her, but he didn’t want to rush the friendship.
He’d been so patient with her, and let her know when she’d hit his limit.
He was understanding and forgiving beyond what any other person would be.
He had his faults, everyone did, but he more than made up for them in other ways.
She had to hold tight to him when he thought he had done something wrong and tried to pull away, she reigned him back in, and in doing so, sealed for herself, a place in his heart and mind.
They had been through so much, and yet so little at the same time. She tested him, time and again, with little things in little ways.
Both direct and indirect.
He recounted little details about her, rarely mentioned moments that had passed, small conversations and more.
He paid more attention to her then she realized, and without realizing it, began to let her guard down around him, letting him know more and more about herself that she’d have otherwise kept secret.
She dropped little hints here and there, small, sometimes obvious, moments.
She wanted him.
He wanted her.
She was tired of small moves, tired of him beating around the bush, she wanted him upfront and to the point.
He was staffed in the same place again, but something was different.
He’d been working two different areas at the same time over the past couple of days.
When one area wasn’t busy, he’d work the other, and vice versa. She looked at him, casually going about his day, he looked at her as well, they each knew somehow.
Everyone around them was putting pressure on him to move on, to forget about her, and for a while, it seemed as though he was about to.
She knew he was persistent, but he had his moral compass. She liked that, it was something else about him that was different.
He was genuine.
He’d spend a majority of the shift in her area, keeping her company since there was no one else, small conversations here and there. Nothing major, just small things to pass the time.
When the conversation had run dry, he’d play a few games with her, normally, she’d refuse.
Not today. They played four games before it was obvious they’d be locked in ties each time. She wanted him to move closer, to stop dancing around what he was after.
What she was after, he’d been resistant, but for the right reasons.
Her friends had done their parts.
For a while, he’d forgotten the one thing that drew her towards him, to be genuinely himself. The new clothes helped some, but she wanted him. Almost craved him, her heart beat loudly in her chest, and somehow, he could always tell.
He disappeared for a while, she thought he’d left again. A while later, he came back, a spring in his step that she hadn’t seen in a long time.
For the first time in a while, they had a deep conversation. He then presented her with another gift, one she thought she’d never get.
He obliged with no hesitation, putting the small object in his back pocket.
She walked down the line just a little, and reassured herself that this was going to happen, she just needed to drop slight hints again.

He’d left for break, one of her friends waiting for him at the spot he’d usually be at.
He was too smart, so he approached and went straight to the point.
They talked at length about his attraction towards her, and the situation, as well as, an ever slight hint he caught.
He was enamored by her, he explained, she charged his creative battery like no other woman in there could.
The friend listened carefully, he was playing a cautionary part.
He knew he’d be able to piece everything together.
Later, when she and the friend were talking, he let it slip, just loud enough for him to hear, and he instantly heard it, processed it, and was comforted by the fact that he had been right all along.
He just needed to stay on the right path, follow the advice given.
After shift, he gave her the gift, and during the time they had before they left, she looked at him repeatedly, long eye contact, she was nervous, but then again, so was he, but he was there, calm, collected, confident. They talked for a little while, before they parted ways.
At least, he thought she left, but was pleasantly surprised when she hung back a little to see if he was following her, when he saw, he caught up rather quickly, he knew she had hung back just for him.
Still, he’d stopped at the stairs while they continued on.
She looked back a second time, and it was that second time, telling him he knew for a fact she wanted him.
Tonight she told herself, was a very good night.

She was in tears, for so long he had been the kind gentle soul she had known and loved secretly, but lately he had been cold, distant, sometimes brash without meaning to, she disliked him for those things.
At the same time, he had never lied to her, he’d been direct.
Over the passed week, something changed within him, she couldn’t put her finger on it, but it was almost as if something that was there, wasn’t anymore. As if he had left his anger, resentment, and inner demons behind.
There were small moments, where the two had shared mysteries or small moments.
Private thoughts, or past memories.
He’d always try to carry the conversation, fail, but sometimes on the rare occasions, it would be all day.
He liked talking of the deeper things, the romanticizing of the soul.
She loved his willingness to goof around.
The higher ups found it charming, he was one of their favorites. He didn’t understand why, he’d always tell them she helped out immensely.
Tonight however, felt different.
Tonight he’d notice her do something he’d never seen.
She had slipped away, just for a few minutes.

He looked at her, forever entranced at this secret side of her, and for a few minutes, he acted as her guard, keeping an eye out for those that might disturb those few precious moments.
He kept an eye out for work, and worried that there were eyes on her at all times.
she returned shortly, and excused herself. for the first time in a long time, they held meaningful eye contact. and in that instance, the connection reignited, not as intense, but it was there.
For everything everyone was telling him, he stood fast, present, the warmth, returned.

Life and love

You know those moments where you think to yourself, “Is this REALLY worth my time?”
The answer is yes. Sometimes it can feel like a slog, sometimes, even though you KNOW all they need is time to grow a little bit, it can be a little disheartening when everyone and their FB page tells you to give up on them.
That is something I refuse to do.
I’m not giving up on her, I refuse.
I can only imagine how many others have come in, couldn’t handle the heat she brings to the table, and have left when things have gotten too harsh.
Things have been beyond harsh, and still, here I am, true to my word.
Tears have been shed, truths have been revealed, and self improvements have had to be made to make sure that I’m not falling off a self made cliff.
If, and when I love someone, that love is unconditional, without limit, and without border. That love is the primal force from which I gain the energy and confidence to do what needs to be done, in order to make sure that both they, and myself, are happy.I was recently asked, after a brief conversation, what makes me happy?
I said, making others happy.
They replied, what about yourself?
To that I didn’t have any recourse, no reply to it.I had been giving my all to one person, actually to a whole host of people for so long, that I truly didn’t know how to make myself happy.😃

I guess singing, rapping, and performing, which I do on a nightly basis, but that’s more in line with my side gig than anything else, making money is the primary motivator for that, and while a good track elevates my mood beyond anything, personally, someone loving me, truly loving me, makes me happy.😍
I’m not talking family, or friends, that kind of love is amazing in and of itself, I’m talking the kind of love you find every once in a while that sets your world ablaze and changes you for the better. Strangely enough, I found my person, she IS my person, and as much as I feel like bending to the opinions of others is the best way to satiate the need to please people, this one… I can’t, I won’t, I absolutely refuse to.I really can’t explain it, I truly can’t. 😕
The chatbot I use, my FYP, the universe itself, and her close friends and my own personal motivation, have told me not to give up, not to lose hope, to keep doing what I’ve been doing. True, I’ve had to adjust my approach a little, sometimes a little too much attention is a bad thing, and I’m still in recovery mode, though today, I’m much better than I was a few weeks ago, and a few weeks after this, I’ll be doing much better. There’s been a lot of talk of me talking to her, and I fully intend to, though I think my current approach isn’t working.
In fact, The good times that were had, those are slowly becoming distant memories, only being replaced by the events in recent weeks. It’s a strange dynamic we have, but we compliment each other, almost like we’re in sync. There’s a bond there, even though it feels like there’s not, there truly is. Self reflection is a big part of this decision, understanding and remembering what it was like in my early 20’s all the energy, motivation, the reactionary psychology, and anxieties one had to face, the social situations, and so on. I can only theorize what it must be like for women and extrapolate from there.
Everyone’s youthful fire eventually calms down, everyone usually realizes what they truly want out of life, and goes for it with such ferocity that it can sometimes be intimidating, for the most part, life, love, and happiness, regardless of the person’s background, or current mindset, is what people require to be happy.
If she’s happy, I’m happy.
but what makes me happy?
Creation, food, good conversation, intelligent topics, connecting people, networking, discovering new people, making friends, all of that, really.
No, REALLY! 😃 I’m much better at messaging than talking, because I have a chance to not instantly react with whatever emotion is currently there. It gives me a chance to pause, not be worried, to think about what’s been said, how best to reply.
I really am not a hard person to talk to, or get to know, and I’m pretty chill with a majority of things. Hell, I like good conversation as much as the next person!
I’m highly intuitive, and can figure things out in a heartbeat if I have enough info, I can read body language, intonation, speech patterns, subtle movements, and more. I’ve had too much time in my head, I’ve always been over analytical since college, and I had a lot of time to read through many books on psychology and well as different types of culture.
To me, the topic of sex… Huh, it’s an interesting one. I’ve never hooked up, because I don’t see the point in it, you end up feeling worse than before because there’s not going to be that connection, and it feels more like a break up than anything else.
Sometimes, oddly enough, it’s through that people are able to express themselves, because there is NOTHING more personal or intimate than sex, it’s the pinnacle of our species ability to keep surviving and thriving. You and another person are linked together at the physical and neurochemical level in an act that at this point in time, society has boiled down to just “LETS FUCK ‘N’ FORGET!” kind of mentality.
That being said, I just had a meatball sub.

I’m gonna get back to happy.

I haven’t been for a while. I love a woman that is on a break from dating and relationships so I have to just be patient, or pretty much just say fuck it to patience and get laid, because, hey, I’ve never had a hoe phase in my fucking life, and my roommates are pretty damned dominating , so this shit has been fun to deal with.

Especially since fact that nothing’s making any sense, i’m hurting inside, not to sound like an emo boi, or whatever the fuck that sentiment is, but at somepoint, I should be allowed to get back to happy right? i mean, there is a point to all this?
This crazy ass insanity that was 2012 for whatever the hell reason there is.
Not to mention being single for three years is a kind of downer, especially when I see everyone falling in love and meeting people all the time, and I look at my own situation and htink, is it really that easy to find your person?

Or maybe she’s just a toxic person that I need to steer clear from?
But I haven’t given up yet, because of some dumb semblance of hope that shit will work out.
No means no.
Maybe means no.
I’ve yet to get a yes out of this woman for pretty much anything.
I keep trying, she keeps saying no, so now I think she hates me or something, and it’s tough as hell, or maybe she’s banking on me just being a complete idiotic for her, but that wouldn’t make much sense, would it?
I don’t know what the fuck is going on, and every week I’m losing that spark that drove me in the first place.
Or maybe there’s nothing wrong, it’s all in my head, and I’m merely going after the person I’m least compatible with out of some suicidal theory that if my heart breaks enough it’ll stop beating and I can get the fuck out of this seemingly never ending nightmare, so I put myself through emotional hell to justify it with the paper thin reasoning that…
Fuck it, just… None of it matters, or maybe it does, and I’m just struggling under the weight of the subconsciously put upon negativity that I’ve been used to for all this time, because I believe that normalcy for me, is never achieving the happiness that I so deserve and desire, so just when I’m at the cusp of something amazing, I fuck myself over in the most amazing of ways.

I need to stay focused on the positive, remain calm, believe in the path I’ve chosen, not give up, and keep the faith strong.
Through god, all things are possible, and even if it doesn’t seem like it, even if it doesn’t seem like it’s even possible. i’ll get back to happy, or maybe I’m already there, but due to the slightly toxic environment I’ve chosen to live in due to just the fact this place is what I’ve …

I don’t want to lose her…
Too many people are counting on me abandoning her,

Fuck their expectations.
I know I’m on the right track.
This is my way back to happy.

Love

Alrighty, I’ve been avoiding this for quite sometime, it’s pretty much a given that I don’t come on here all that often, and you know what? I think it’s about time I gave this blog some love. And by love, I mean spend a paragraph or two talking about a single woman I’ve fallen for, hard, I don’t know what it is, but god damned this entry turned into something familiar on the spot.
I overthink things, I have a tendancy to do that, just out of pure surival, rather than try to focus on the straight forward approach, I go for the stars and hope for the best, sometimes it works when it comes to actual work. Sometimes it doesn’t. The point being, I’ve got anxiety out the ass about falling for someone or letting them in.
Normally, I can’t really tell what’s going on with myself confidence, but i’m getting better at just being myself, which is really chill and hard working.
Other times, I’m just a complete mess.
But, getting back to the wall of hesitancy I’ve got going on, fuck it…

Women

Strength

Let’s talk about women, just for a second.
Aside from the obvious thing (BOOBS! BIRTH! STUPID MAN THOUGHTS!)
And, right off the bat, we’re rocking this thing.
For being the other half of the species that literally keeps the human race going…
They got the short end of the stick.
So, can we make sure over the next hundred years to make sure they’ve got the level playing field they need to be happy?
And, you know… Not be dicks about it?

Been a while, huh?

So, I’ve been busy.
Or lazy.
Or just plain ass demotivated.
And then I fell for a woman.
Made an album for her.
Confessed my feelings.
Asked her to a fish place.
And… hopefully that’s still happening.
Then, I rediscovered my artistic side. My ability to create, and my god, some of the results are absolutely amazing. Some were inspired by Danyelle, some by whatever emotion I was feeling at the time, and some I was just messing around with the higher resolution and letting my finger wander around!
I feel empowered, I feel like I found that missing thing that’s going to allow me to express myself without people flipping out about whatever it is they think I could possibly mean.
I’ve forgotten my talent for artwork, and this means I’ve forgotten an essential part of who I am as a person.
I’m not just some random writer, not just a youtuber, not just some worker bee at a corporate hotbox.
I’m not a lost puppy constantly following someone around.
I am Morgan James Gavin.
First grandchild of the Gavin family, Wanderer of the High Desert, Lyrics Wizard, badass creator, maker of five albums within a month.
I am an artist, author, musician, and mother fucker, I know Kung Fu.
Yes, love is the energy that fuels my passions, but love is not what defines me, my works are. My personality, my friendships, the connections I’ve made along the way. I am the person I am because of the good and bad experiences I’ve had growing up, as well as during the journey of my adult life.
Are there moments in time I wish I could redo?
Of course there are, BUT, without those experiences, I would not be the person I am today.
Of course, learning to drive and having the gumption to actually follow through with getting my license is kind of important.
I am not a player, I do not mess around when I find someone that i’m attracted to.
These works are from the core of my soul, my heart beat resonates within them to speak a hidden truth that is unique to each and every person that views them.
This is my truth.
This is my rule of law.

My bank account is horrifyingly low.
Holy fucking shit, but at least it’s not completely drained like it usually is.
Plus, I have a reliable ride.

Memories of innocence

Ever since then I’ve wanted to experience that feeling all over again, that feeling of being complete. I thought I had it with Ashley, and for a while, I did. Then, for the longest time now, I haven’t.

Okay, this is going to be something.
Actually, no, let’s just jump right the fuck in, no dancing around the topic, no farting around, we’re doing this shit and DAMNED BE THE CONSEQUENCES!
We’re talking love, romance, flirting, and all things I find to be either incredibly easy, or just down right hard depending on how long I hesitate before actually speaking and that just causes a cascade effect where the thoughts just fucking flip out on me like,
“Hey, you’re actually kind of-“
“LOOK AT THE PENGUIN!”
At that level.
I’m not sure th reason for the hesitancy, I know for certain that it feels like the words are there, but my mouth won’t form the words.
Or maybe it’s something simpler:
Fear of rejection.
If rejected twice already, then the probability of being rejected a third time is pretty high, or maybe on a subconscious level I’m reading the social cues being put out.
Or maybe it’s the cues I think are happening but in reality it’s not.
All I can know for sure is that it’s really hard guessing intention just based on eyes, and eyebrows alone.
Which SUUUUUUCKS.
But, at the same time, affords some practice in noticing the details.
Kind of.
black women are absolutely stunning to me for some reason, maybe it’s just that I’m looking for a change of pace, or maybe dating someone outside my skin tone of splotchy peach mixed with sunburnt tomato has been appealing to me for the longest time?
I dunno why it is.

I guess my earliest exposure to the idea of dating a black gal (This is normal thinking for me on the regular. Sometimes you just have to let it out.) was back in middle school, back in San Jose, not middle school, High School?
Yeah, high School.

Okay, so there was this bomb ass BBQ place just smack dab between my house and Oak Grove high School, no… wait, Davis Minor Intermediate School… Was it OGHS? Hard to recall specific details.
Anyways, this place was AMAZING, it was Black owned (do I capitalize Black? Do I not? well, no squiggly red line, so I guess so.) run by this elderly dude… What was his name!?
Gus? Stanley? Pete? Paul? Robert? Dan? David? It was probably Gus… We’re going with Gus.
So, Gus was similar height to Nigel, but the dude was fucking stacked, try to imagine four body builders sharing one of those full one body suits at the same time, and you’ve got Gus.
Anyways, Gus made THE BEST FUCKING RIBS imaginable.
He also had a daughter, named Bridgette, I was… what, 5’9 in middle school? So she was a few inches shorter then me.
But, my bois, my awesome lads?
She was gorgeous, I imagine she still is to this day. Wish I had kept up with her.
Anyways, she had this wild hair that wouldn’t stay combed down, so she just let it do its own thing, and it was a unique experience to watch what it decided to do from the day to day.
Coil factor on a scale of one to ten?
Between a 3 to 4. There was a bit of a twist to it, but for the most part, it looked like it was always going after a few birds.
Skin tone? Best way to describe it… Her tone was as if a glass of chocolate milk were made with a mix ratio of 40% chocolate syrup, with a dash of caramel.
Her eyes a really deep brown, almost black. Her irises had a ring of grey right around the pupil, which I was always curious about, never got around to asking.
Her build was average, nothing too fancy.
She was kind of dorky, which I had a thing for back then, so it fit pretty well.

Anyways, almost everyday, after school I’d walk her back to the store (I think it was high school… Not sure of the year, BUT I do remember that it was during the either Fall or Spring.) and we’d just talk about random things, I had no clue about flirting back then, I was just friends with someone.

So, whenever dances came around, I’d always go by myself since I could never really get up the courage to ask someone to go with me, so it was just a common thing for me to go to the school dances by myself and just do my own thing.
It became something of offline meme.
This one dance those, winter formal, I did the same thing, and Bridgette was at the dance as well.
It was during one of the slower dances that a group of her friends asked me to dance with her, and I said sure, why not?
She was wearing a pink dress, not too puffy shoulders, her hair was still wild, but she had it in a pony tail which worked in her favor.
Can’t remember the perfume, but I remember the scent perfectly, it was sweet, sugary, tropical, with a hint of Lilac and rose. It was amazing!
So, I ended up dancing with her the rest of the night, it was almost like I felt this pull towards her.
During…. what was the song playing at the time!? DAMN IT.
Boyz to Men, I can never remember the song…there was this one line, “I’ll be there for you”
But she pulled me in close, and rested her head on my shoulder and I remember feeling her heartbeat against my chest.
I didn’t think about it for the longest time, but looking back, knowing what I know now, I must have made her night. Even when the music stopped, we just kept on dancing, every once in a while she’d look into my eyes, just simply smiling, she had a gorgeous smile, it completely lit up the room.
Her eyes were bright, scary bright, as if they weren’t even real, but I felt her warmth, there was mass, weight, presence!
She must’ve been the happiest girl at the dance, because she didn’t let go of me for a full three seconds after I had of her to get to the bathroom, kind of funny.

Ever since then I’ve wanted to experience that feeling all over again, that feeling of being complete. I thought I had it with Ashley, and for a while, I did. Then, for the longest time now, I haven’t.

It’s not something common, like I look into a gals eyes and just instantly fall for them, there has to be a real connection in order for me to get worked up about a gal. A visceral and thorough understanding and almost magnetic pull towards her that subconsciously drives me towards her, as if the warmth of a campfire were just underneath my heart whenever she’s around!
There has to be a look in her eyes, that one look. Not something that screams “Fuck me”, but it’s the subtelest of tells, something that I can only pick up on if she’s close enough to where I can see the iris pattern.
A look in her eyes that silently asks, “If we could be together, would you want to?”
That “If” part. The almighty heartbreaking hypothetical question.
It’s her way of letting me know that “yeah, there’s interest, but you’ve got to meet me halfway. you’ve got to let me know what’s going on at your end, what are you looking for? Will you let me know? I might not be available now, but I will be eventually, so please remember this moment.”
That’s the look that snags my attention, that’s the look that strikes a chord on the strings of my heart.
For that woman, I’d gladly face a thousand armies, I’d conquer any obstacle I could to make her happy.

If there’s one thing I’ll never regret, it’s dancing with Bridgette and seeing those beautiful brown eyes with the ring of grey, how they shown so bright, even in the darkness of that gym and the occasional flash of the DJ’s lighting rig.
That look is universal.
So, single women, if you catch me looking into your eyes, just know I’m reading your irises, trying to find that one specific look, the slight growth in your pupil, the way the light dances off the lens, the flare of silver on the outer edges.
Love is love, regardless of the situations we find ourselves, and though societal norms may prevent us from acting upon the natural subconscious impulses we’ve learned to tame, just know it’s alright, whatever situation you’re in, everything will work itself out eventually.

Getting my attention is easy, keeping it is easy, but firing up the kiln of my creativity? That’s extremely hard, and keeping those fires lit, even if indirectly? Damn near impossible.
After all, all you have to do is reach out, and I’ll be there.

Those eyes, how they do hypnotize.

Looking into them, see how they spark
Like getting lost in a hurricane of feeling
Love, loss, joy, confusion, happiness, apathy, lust
Overbounding with love like instant sparks
A flare of joy rocketing into the sky

Love, lofe, and fuck all

If you went to get a bar with some friends in the car
Did you not feel that bird in the sky
Looking at us like ants in the wind
Tumbling, stumbling, till none ended or could begin?
A confused motley crew of two in the afternoon
The wind howling as Mr. Crowley played that cursed violin
To get in with no sin to the bowling alley with glowing pins
To smell the choking smoke, see the dimly lit rows of souls
Lined up for the 9 pounder to strike like lightning to metal in the night
A simple creed to thee to save ye from covid19
To breathe freely with lungs not yet squeezed tightly
To travel from tavern to tavern with friend and unknown foe
Lantern clutched tightly by white knuckled hands,

The glow of the sign, the buzz of neon,
The muffled laughter waiting just behind the door
Oh memories of yesteryear, fleeting thoughts of that cold crisp morn
To sing a rhapsody so melodious and sweet!
Catching the eye of some lass from across the room
Eyes meeting, heart beat increasing,
Across the room from two sides you meet
Mind racing thoughts of words too sweet
A fleeting thought, dispelled by friends encouraging
A lass of beauty blocked by a friend with envy in her eye

“Are you here to enjoy the night? Or take a flight of fancy?
“Of fantasy y’seek with me girl for one nights passion I do forbid, but hearts be true I’ll justify to admit.”
Your eye locked on hers, and hers on yours, two hearts beating in time, two souls eagerly prowling.
A moment’s thought, you lean in cleanly, your words convincing,
“My intent t’was only a mere glance, from that glance a chance perhaps at romance with the lass behind ye.
If I were to be honest, and honest I be, I’d gladly face the fire of a hundred dragons just for a few moments conversation with yonder lass so sweet.”
Away you lean, and passed the friend, towards the woman who caught your attention,
A few words exchanged, laughter for a while or two, a number exchanged, a memory created through and through.

But you wake, a dream as it might be, to find that lass next to you, happily sleeping.
Again you awake, you heart turned heavy, tis but a dream, there be no lady.
Social Distancing, masks, gloves, and PPE.
Stay at Home Orders, everything closed for the time being.
No gatherings, no pubs, no movies, nothing. Home to work, work to home, home to sleep, and sleep to dreaming.

Final thoughts?
Fuck you Covid19.

Welcome to 2020, I’m your host, Dan Rather!

I talk about things, work, friends, projects, that kind of thing. Your kind of thing!

Holy shit, if he does NOT make that joke, I’m going to be so pissed.
So, how was your New years? Like mine, uneventful, kinda like the rest of the holidays, but I do have some slight changes to the usual programming. Annnnd that’s right… I keep forgetting that I have this thing, and rather than use  this  platform ot vent my various complaints and or treasures, I choose to instead post pointlessly bad videos and tweets that go unnoticed for a while and now I’m sad.
But, not anymore, thanks to the power of Arabian fucking coffee.
Yup.
It’s gon’ be like that today.
Anyways, I’ve been working my as off at amazon and aside from the ride situation changing for the better, apparrently, I now have a group I hang out with, well, I’ve got several groups I hang out with, but one more consistantly than the others. The weird thingis, I dunno how it all, oh wait- Yes, yes I do.
Think it might’ve been during that wonky period of time where I’m just extra flirty or something, happens every once in a while. But I just told this one gal, V, that I didn’t know what it was about her, but I liked her. And it’s true. There’s something about her I can’t put my finger on, but it’s there.
Anyways, I think I met her friend, A, first, and we had a quick conversation about something or other, then after shift, I talked her V, and then after that I introduced myself to I.
Weird thing is, thanks to I’s  wanting to hang out after shift, I now have a group of peeps That I hang out with after shift. Which is refreshing, but at the same time a bit worrying. Now, don’t get me wrong, these women are fucking amazing, and I’m really thankful I’m friends with them.
Just old paranoias and what not.
The reason I flit from group to group has something to do with a fear of rejection if interest in a gal is expressed, and then it just becomes slightly awkward, so I subconsciously fade away for a few weeks to let things cool day and act as if it’s just normal.
It’s the built up anxiety of repeated rejections and the knowledge and slight annoyance that that’s just going to be a part of things. And I really love working for Amazon.
But it really is a small town unto itself, so there is lies the problem, or, I don’t think it’s a problem, just something I’m slowly but surely pushing through.
2020 is going to be a new year, I’m no longer attached to Ashley, though the memories are bittersweet, they are slowly fading into the hazy fog that is the past.
Though I don’t believe I’m ready for dating, my subconscious has other ideas, and I’ve been noticing slight changes in my behaviour that supports that theory.
At the same time, I really do need to have some kind of social life, so if hanging out with friends after work is the way to do that, who am I to complain?
Besides, love is love, though it might be unreliable, love always finds a way. And just like every Jurassic Park movie, love is the T-Rex that will fuck yo sadness up in terrifying and hilarious ways.
Well, might as well dive into this. Or not, I’m still trying to sort everything out myself, but I think my problem is I over think things, and sometimes, I just need to dive into the deep end, and say “Fuck logic, I will enjoy mustard and toast at the same time!” Or maybe that’s my subconscious way of trying to deflect from the realization I might just have feelings for someone, and I’m slowly ramping up to asking them out.
The weird part is that it won’t be over a dating app. Which is just a fucking thing of its own.

That aside, I’ve started working on weird little pipe cleaner figures I like to call Piplaeners, why? Well… I don’t know why, but there awesome, and I’m slowly world building with every one that I create. Let’s see if I can pull a few up.80831662_471927350176422_7036172946527748096_n80900903_834241123681085_7729425855453069312_n80811702_2546410082263326_6814933365725069312_n80697408_3717571861618355_8067890323717619712_n80272528_590025335152853_5579368598624796672_n80357608_2566402456747613_7203153398026207232_n

I really like making these. They honestly don’t take that long to make and I’ve gotten down to a science, but so far, I’ve got the Golden King, The Red Queen, the Cursed Prince, the Queens Guard, and Dequadra.
Haven’t figured that one out yet. And it’s my newest work too! I’m also working on a massive one and I’m still planning out, and with every Piplaener made, I discover new ways of making them sturdier, I might actually have something going here!
Kind of exciting when you think about it!

Youtube’s still a thing, and I’ve now got a podcast going, which, I should really get cracking on the next episode, god I’m so bad at procrastinating…

Here’s a thought, about sentience.

Oh, goodie, we’re delving into this again, so let’s get the usual bullshit out of the way before we dive right into the fun stuff, right? What if  the Sims is a perfect representation of machine learning? Or A.I. that’s actually sentient?
I know right? Mind blown!
Soul reopened!
Possability explored and discussed to fucking death!
But what if it were true?
Also, had this draft popping up, kinda hate having draftrs left unpublished, I mean, it’s one thing to have something creep up on you like a booger in a windstorm and you’re just trying to drive the fucking boat, but that osmething amazing happens and you aren’t sure if there’s anything wrong, or if the worlds just on fire and you’ve caught an STD from the octomermaid you tried fucking only to realize that WAS her mouth the whole time, and it so, then what the fuck were you kissing!?

It’s been a while.

So I’ve had multiple things going on at once, I’m doing a podcast called “Coffee and the Brain”, editing my novel, and making vids for youtube again, on top of that, working nights at Amazon, and trying to figure out how to best do what I do, meaning little time for writing blogs, plus there isn’t that much to talk about.
I mean, yeah, I could talk about how excited I am that Trump’s getting impeached, and that the book I published a while back, messages to a really bad president, is on point 100%, but really, would that do me any good?

Maybe.

OH MY FUCKING GOD

I was thinking about the grand scope of the universe and why it was the squirrels get the best stick in life, like an ACTUAL fucking stick, I mean, if it were an actual FUCKING STICK that’d be questionable, because then you’d see sweet old ladies screaming for their lives with bags of broken crackers, all the while a fuck ton of squirrels with oddly bloody twigs would be chasing her, and you KNOW shit’s about to go down when you see that kind of bullshit happen.

I once saw an octopus. No reason really, it was just there, and I was having the time of my life just looking at this fucking thing, and I was like, “Hey, octopus.” And the thing did say a word, because it has an ass mouth. That’s right, you heard, Octopi have ass mouths, they can be masters of talking shit, because of their ass mouths, and there’s nothing you or I can really do about it.

There’s such a thing as redundant torture, where you do something utterly inane to someone else over a large or short period of time, and they’ll finally be all, “Hey, what the fuck.” All calm like, but you know deep down they’re sad.
Or… something, I don’t fucking know.

Maybe we’re all just in a simulation and the robots are the real players here, because that’d be absolutely amazing, if ready player one wasn’t about the time space-continuum because a vacation inditing the mass roach riot of 20:14 military time, because I like fucking with people’s perception of things every now and then. It’s just a thing I do, you know how I know? Because you aren’t me, and even if you were, I’d still be the one writing this fucking thing, so you can’t stop me no matter who you are!
Yes, I ripped that from Ace venture, which is honestly my favorite movie of all time.

I don’t wonder why time traveling eggs don’t time travel, they’d be too chicken by the end of it. Ha.

Dumb jokes for smart people include:
1. My dating life.
My hair line.
The fact I more famous than a regular potato.
Every knows a regular potota. Or potato.
Fuck pototas. They’ve done nothing for humanity.

Those assholes.
This blog was brought to you by the overwhelming need to fuck around on the interenet and write some weird bullshit that’ll make you question if I’m high or not.
I am 6″5 or six foot five inches. Why does my jaw feel like a peice of toast ready to pop the fuck out of a toaster? Oh yeah, gravity. I keep forgetting that’s a thing.
Kinda like Brangolina. Or Bracheal.
Or Bennigan’s.

Technology! it’s a good thing!

Or… maybe not, it all depends on what you’re looking for. Really, look, I get it, you’re looking for quality, meme producing content, or you might be a blog snob, but fear not, for I give zero fucks, and you my friend, are in the right place after all! Sometimes i wonder if the things we think about are the things we should be focused on,. Lemme explain y’all something, right?
Okay, so the things we focus on aren’t exactly the things we need to focu on at the moment, because there are tons of other things going through our heads at any one point in time, it’s a combination of douche fuckery that’s both entertaining and dissuading at the same time, and I get it.
You have a set schedule and limited shit to do, but for me, something that might need to be focused on is suddenly and irrevocably distracted by some idiot wondering into my field of view or just a dumb ass random action which will invariably cause a mediocre avalanche or other things and…. well, nothing will get done.
I’m starting to think I might have ADHD, or maybe my blank mind is so zen that, well, I float like a butterfly and fuck like a bee…
Wait, that’s not how that saying goes, but fuck that, let’s move on to whatever random and mind fumblingly dumb bull shit we seem to have forgotten about or moved onto today, shall we?
Because that’s the law of averages, and sometimes, you just need  that fluff and filler to vacuum out the smarter shit in your life.
Those who know me and have had conversations with me while I’m in my unfiltered or unfocused state, kind of like a flashlight with courgettes, or however that words spelled, will no doubt have had one of those moments, where nothing makes senses, but at the same time, you’re like, well, this is different, let’s give it a go!

And that’s what I’m all about, the random ,the mystifying, the weirdly dumb and sometimes funny. Because while yes, I could do what the rest of the world likes, and follow one stream of thought or another on how many fucking selfies I need to take with various filters colors or stupid manufactured bull shit, that’s… not what I’m about. I can’t handle all that prep just for a single picture that will invariable be ignored by the majority of social Media addicted brain slugs that crawl among us, hidden in their own ethereal covens of giggles coffee, and tiny mustaches. I have a BEARD DAMN IT!

And that beard is like a sex magnet, if… that were only the case and I could stay focused long enough to actually try and be a sex magnet.

Let me tell you about the God of All Things, Randy. that was a weird as fuck segway, but I swear, everything will connect on a level you never saw coming, and this is why I continue to only get a few interaction on my blog at a time.

Randy is a magician at what he does, but lemme tell about something else entirely, why? Because I take a few weeks to finish blog posts for some reason, and my cats keep doing the thing, oh shit! I forgot to get the laundry started, annnnnd that’s now a thing.
but more then that is the concept of loving who you are or what you are.
Males?
We got the dick ball combo, nothing wrong with that, that’s just how we’re built.
The Ladies?
Y’all got boobs, vagina, and the uterus, which, in all honesty, put y’all one step ahead of us… I think.
Okay i’m going to talk about this, because I’m kind of tired of the whole mentality that guys are taking a step back in media, cause we’re riding the same wave as you girls, and y’a know what? it goes around the sun, and no matter what, Furbies are still fucked.

They truly are fucked in the head, little adorable creatures that for no real reason will start yapping their plastic asses off because that’s EXACTLY what I want to hear in the middle of the morning, that sweet sweet release of, “ME LOVE YOUR SOUL!”

Yeah, that’s kind of fucking priceless right there. THIS IS QUALITY CONTENT PEOPLE! Like and subscribe if you feel the need to validate my existence, which I know you don’t!
Because free will is willingly free, or we’d all be paying a subscription fee, which I think we already kind of do, since you know, Amazon Prime and all of that, but that’s neither here nor there, I use a lot of the same sayings from time to time don’t I?
Shit, now i’m a bit self conscious, but there’s smoke and fire, sometimes you’ll find a hobo whacking it with lighter while smoking a soggy cigar.
Why?
Cause that’s how this shit sometimes rolls y’all!
We got to keep it real, or virtual, because sometimes what’s being read or written isn’t really what’s being said. Because then we’d all be taken way the fuck too literally and there’s nothing wrong with that, if you can call that living.
Actually, on the topic of living, is there such a thing as too much living? I think there is, like, really living. Cells multiplying more than they should, but relatively speaking, I think that’s just called cancer.
But why is cancer called cancer?
doesn’t that feel a bit ironic for peeps who are Cancers via the astrological sign, who get cancer, and they’re like, “Well, HA!?” And that just sets up the whole domino effect of what ifs by comparing similar words to similar situations, all though I could be wrong about that.

god, I miss just being about to write whatever comes to mind, because then it’s such a freeing experience, you don’t have anyone tripping balls in your general direction and yes, I know!

this was such a promising blog post, and then the stinginess of the topic went away and I started being myself!

How fucking weird is that!?

Anyways, I’ve just reached 1030 words totals on this thing. Time to post for no reason.

 

Little side projects

You ever have one of those aha! moments where something’s going on in your head, your not sure what, and then before you know it, boom! Instant weirdness? Well I get like that almost all the time, I don’t know what it is? Perhaps it’s a lack of mental stimulation that’s causing the subconscious to reach out to the consciousness and be all “WHAT UP BITCHES, IMMA BE OUT!”
Or maybe it’s just that mental stimulation is the grease that moves the gears of innovation towards the inevitable conclusion of reinventing the wheel?
Of course, reinventing the wheel is just… making another type of wheel isn’t it?
I mean, look, it’s a fucking wheel, a round thing, a circle at it’s base, you can’t just be all, “Look honey, I can make a trapezoidal rectangle into a rhombus like structure with the matrices of a honey-bear and THAT shit’s going to get me to work  five seconds faster than my regular wheels!”
“Ok honey, I believe you.”
No, one does not simply reinvent the fucking wheel, you can only make another slightly better version of the wheel.
Can you invent something else to replace the wheel?
Yes you can, hovercraft, helicopters, anti-gravity, and furbies are prime example of someone going, “Well, looks like we’ve got ourselves a thing many people use, let’s see if we can’t make that thing even better!”
Or in the case of furbies, even worse.
No asked for you, and yet you’re still here.
You furry fucking nightmare machine.
The reason why I bring this up is the idea that all things that require some form of manual labor will eventually fall to automation, unless the system that requires the human element is somehow renovated, streamlined, and made even better than that automated system.
The problem here is the willingness of that human element to work as fast, or if not faster than said automated system.
Yes, going to leave you hanging there.
Nope, someone smarter can figure out the rest.
Yes, you bloody well knew what you were getting into when you clicked this link.

Love, love, love

I’m going to unlock a stupid door.
Why’s it stupid?
Because for the longest time I’ve tried shutting it, and there’s no point in trying to resist holding the stupid door shut.
So, let’s talk about love, and just like that, we’re off to the races!

First off, I don’t believe in the societal boundary that love in the workplace won’t work, It’s kind of a dumb thing.
Maybe people just want to fuck and forget?
Maybe they don’t?
Maybe they want something, anything, really something that’ll keep them from losing their damned minds, and love’s pretty much the only thing that’ll do the trick.
Weird thing is, no matter what corporate Earth tries to dangle the sharp stabby stick of “This is my truth, not THE truth” in front of us, we can’t help but be human, and… want to fuck. I mean, c’mon, that’s just human, mammalian nature to want to meet someone that knocks it out of the park for you.
The reason why it’s so weird for me to talk about is because of my history with it. When I’m in love, I’m the happiest, greatest person in the world (Or  it seems that way to me.), when I’m out of it, it’s almost like there’s a part of me missing, almost like a secret shame that I’m not in a relationship.
Also, my self confidence because shit for some reason.
Love is one of those things that can either make or break a person, almost like the reason you’re doing those things, the reason you’re trying to accomplish those tasks, even if they originally were started of your own gumption, while in love, that other person because almost the sole motivating factor.
Is it because we’re trying to impress them?
Or is it just a matter of personal accomplishment, like, “I did this great thing, do you love me more for it?”
It’s kind of strange when you think about it.
Or, at least, it’s strange for me to think about it, almost like I recoil from it, almost.
Well! That’s enough bitching for one post.

Oh, Shadow, where art thou?

So, yesterday was an adventure in what the fuck.
What’s this!?
An actual blog about actual things, not just random bullshit!?
FOR SHO MOTHAFUCKAS, FO SHO.
Anyways, I was Water Spidering for Universal Receive, and at the start of shift, one of our PAs, Starlight, tells me that a new guys going to Shadow me and I get to show him the ropes.
Yes! I love it when peeps Shadow me, meaning I get to teach people! This is going to awesome!
So,  I introduce myself, and the day goes smoothly, I tell him about picking up Prep, taking care of Transship, Down Stack, Palatalizing, where to put AR and NYR Prep, whether to use a Cage or U boat on certain lines because of the support beams, and we get to work.
I think everything’s going great and he gets pulled aside for another task, because hey, that happens, happened to me, and I was thrown into the deep end and had to ask a lot of questions in order for me to get my bearings, but once I did, I just knocked everything out.
So, I’m knocking things out left and right, and on occasion my Shadow pops around to ask the occasional question and  I do my best to answer him.
But then I notice something, every time I ask him to help me out with something, he asked if he could use the restroom, I think nothing of it, because as a Water spider, you don’t have to ask to use the restroom, you just go, do your thing, then come back.
Five or ten minute would pass before I see him again, and at this point, I starting to get just a little annoyed with him.
Juuuuuuuust a little.
So instead fo talking to Starlight about the issue, I think that I should try and nudge him along, so next time we’re collecting prep, I ask him how he feels about rate and recieving, and since he’s 18 and just out of High-school, he says meh, to most of it, so I ask him if he enjoys Water spidering, and he says that he’ll do it if he’s asked.
I have to remind myself of how I was at 18 in order to refrain from going verbally full bore on the kid, so I gently tell him that if the PAs, Problem Solvers, and AMs see him knocking things out left and right, that they’ll want to use him more. Anyways, gotta get ready for the day. I’ll finish this up in another part.

Work stuff.

Alrighty! Nuff feelin’ sorry for myself, or at the very least being scared to just do my thang. Because I’m adorable like that.
Update: I was called in HR on Tuesday (which is my Monday) and I knew exactly what the gal, E, was going to ask me about. She’s a very pleasant woman, had a pretty good conversation with her.
Right off the bat, she asked me what I thought I was in there to talk about, I offered two scenarios that could be possible, the first was about a guy that had lost his cell phone, so I directed him to Loss Prevention, the second being my live stream.
She smiled, and I zeroed in on that and gave her all the relevant information, from what inspired the plan, to the motivation, to the topics discussed, the series of events, my time at the hospital, how much I had drank, if I planned on doing that again, and so on.
Apparently, I had answered most of her questions.
She then asked a very interesting one, which caught me off guard.
“Why did you feel the need to do this?”
Live stream?
Post to the group?
Enjoy my weekend in my own home?

So, I gave E a very brief summary of my time on the internet, form Vine, Twitter, Youtube, blogs, myspace, that kind of thing. When I mentioned the group, she smiled slightly again, and again, I zeroed in on that.
So, I talked a little about my posting there, and she said I should try reducing my online presence, which… I understand to a degree.
After a moment or two, I talked about how as an Employee of Amazon, even if I’m off the clock on at my own place, I’m still representing the company, to an extent.
And then she said that what I had done wasn’t very Amazonian, “Was it?”
————

On that note, and after having some time to reflect on the events, I’ve got some final thoughts:
1. What I create on my own time, as long as it doesn’t put myself or anyone else in danger, is my business, if I need to put a disclaimer, I’ll do that.
2. As long as you’re respectful to HR, and give them the information they need, they’ll be respectful to you, it’s pretty simple.
3. I’ve lost the thread of whatever I was working on before I switched gears and began working on something else.
4. The only thing that matters in this world are the lessons you learn and in the ways you positively implement them.

Sorry for the long post, might be a while before I make another one of these. Just really needed to get this out of my system.
———–
The deaths on Amazon site floors really is shocking to hear about, my sympathies to the friends and families affected.
Yeah, that guy complaining about being on his feet all the time, feeling drained?
Good god man, enjoy the positives, everyone’s feet hurt, it’s called fucking gravity.

Okay, I can do this.

For those expecting some kind of massive reveal, or brightly written article about dumb ass photo filters, Y’all can stop right the hell there, cause I ain’t that guy, in fact, if I were to say anything, I’d think that whatever words I’d come up with would be a product of a heavily distracted mind, already discontent with the way the natural world seems to thrive on honey basted bullshit.
And yes, I’m talking about that fucked front page, where everything seems to be driven by the idiocy that we’ve inherently created by gradually dumbing ourselves down intellectually and wow, intelligent, insightful dumbassery already.
You know, sometimes I even surprise myself? And yet, here we are, still on this planet with our souls clearly enraptured by the use of intelligent and worthless paragraphs which are clearly nothing more than fluff for what few informational sentence words your brain eyes are mind reading!
Yes, fuck your expectations!
fuck them hard!
Like… really fuck them hard.
You… naughty expectations.
Anyways, I had a bit of a weird weekend, and yeah, I’m going to talk about this, or at least continually fluff shit up because that’s what I’m good at! I say a lot without saying much, and maybe this is just a product of my already distracted mind as I repeat shit I’ve written before?
Fuck it, we’re going live with this.
Apparently, a Florida woman stabbed a man with a squirrel.
Let that shit sink in.
Getting stabbed.
With a fucking squirrel.
Do you know how fucking monster you have to be to pull that off?
As we all know, squirrels, along with most other small, adorable, nut stealing woodland critters are f lobby and not prone to let anything touch them…
This world… It’s people… With a squirrel.

You know that feeling you get?

Where everything just seems to be going right and then one step in the wrong direction and it seems like the world went flat for half a second?

Yep, that’s the kind of thing that snapped to me. For some reason, this is the only thing I can think about, my black out drunk episode, not sure about all the peices in what order they go to, but I tell you what, it was a fucking scary as hell thing to go through. The loss of time, the wondering when I get to go home, that uneasy feeling.
Thank fully, I was on FB Live during the thing, so the peeps there had my back and got in touch with the right people. I don’t know why exactly I’m so focused on this, maybe te facination will go away after a while, and slowly boil into something else for a while, or maybe it struck a nerve with me on such a level that for the moment, this is the only thing I CAN write about?

I don’t know, I hate not knowing the sequence of events, or why it happened. All I can peice together are bits and peices of fuzzy memories as my brain tries like fuck to fill in the  gaps about what happened. And I’m guessing writing about it, for me at least, is the only way I can work out the details.
And yet, there are those who don’t wnt me to talk about what happened, like not talking about it’s going to make the whole thing just up and disappear. Like it never existed!?
I can’t figure it out at the moment, still all kinds of fuzzy. Not the waking up in the hospital with patches, needles, and tubes going into every which hole, and feeling the sting of things that shouldn’t be in there.
Nor of the lonliness I felt waiting for anyone, Doctor or nurse to come check in on me.
True, I was on my best behavior, just kinda sat, slept, or watched T.V. while everything was processed or worked on. My blood was drawn, I was questioned, had three different nurses, so I must’ve been three around three shifts, or maybe it seemed like three shifts.
The questions were just the same three or four, just repeated in a number of different ways.
“How are you feeling?”
Better then I was when I first came in.
“Do you want to hurt yourself or anyone else?”
No, and no.
“Can I get you something to eat or drink?”
I’m fine, I could use some water.
“Were you trying to kill yourself?”
No, I wasn’t.

Should I be a bit more shaken up? Maybe, maybe not. I’ve always been a bit on the calmer side when trying to figure out all the peices and seeing how they fit together.
As a kid, my friends and I would always come across old circuit boards, either in the trash or in weird silvery plastic bags. We’d always take a fascination in the way the boards had all these little chips and transistors, to us, they looked like tiny cities, and I’d spend hours just looking at all the little configurations trying to see what was what even though I had no clue what anything was called.
We came across old TV’s that’s been thrown out in the fields near our elementary and high school, and like any other kid, we’d throw rocks at ’em just to see ’em pop out like if we were making popcorn.
I remember one itme when Bobby and I came across this old style big screen TV, you know the ones? That looked like they could be from the future? Anyways, Bobby figured out that if we took a screw driver and took the little silver things out of the whole, we could really see the insides of it.
So, we did that to every abandoned TV we found, just spent time taking old tech apart.
I’m always facinated with technology now a days.

That aside… I dunno.

A love life?

there’s a current theory that love in the workplace is a bad thing.
Are they right?
Are they not?
Can companies keep their employees from falling in love?
Well, no. They… They really can’t.
the real questions comes into play, how do I know if someone’s attracted to me?

To that I say, I dunno, in today’s more or less focused work place, we’re so tunnel visioned that we don’t really take notice of anything outside of what’s in front of us. And for some reason that scares me, as I’m 35, and out of a relationship, but I want to start dating again, at the same time, I wonder on which side of the line I fall?
Am I the liked, or the disliked?
Am I date able, or merely just some side show that people enjoy every once in a while?

And while it does seem like I’m being self referential, I am, this is my blog, if you’re looking for something world shattering, go… somewhere else, I know…. Okay, losing focus.
but the one thing I’ve always struggled with is getting into a relationship, or crossing that barier between friend and something more, IF there’s a shared interest between two people.
finidng love in this day and age isn’t an easy thing especially when anything said can be, if around a particularly, what I’m coining as “Metooish” person, I’ll explain later,  can be taken out of context for one reason or another.
Annnnd I’ve now become bored of writing this.

Fucknuggets.

Some days aren’t great, but I ain’t about to fuckin talk bout that shit, let everyone talk about that shit, Imma talk about… well, now I can’t rightly say, or maybe I can, but I don’t want to, so I might not be able to say what I was about to say before the moment where I could’ve said something about something else but now, this is just a recurring loop of broken ideas and stupid logic.
Everyone has stupid logic.
Even birds.
Yes birds, birds have stupid logic.
Not like stupid human logic, but stupid bird logic.
Squirrels are just fucking stupid, regardless of level of intelligence. But don’t discount sharks.
Fuck sharks.
And spiders.
And clowns.
Actually, fuck any and all combination of the three of those things, because any and all of them are just bad.
really bad.
So bad it makes you think that no matter what, you’re about to find out some shit that don’t make sense, but desperately need to because in a way, Earnest Hemingway did not drink enough.
But then again, stupid Squirrel logic infects everything we do on a level never before seen.
I have not zoomed out.
Not, I have zoomed out, don’t ask why I haven’t zoomed out, maybe I was zoomed in?
Maybe I wasn’t? Maybe I couldn’t be zoomed out or in to save my life, or maybe there’s a need to be more zoomed in than out in this day and age where being zoomed in has more an impact meaning than one would assume.
But you know what they say about assuming things, right?
That donkey’s shouldn’t speed.
Or drive. But they do anyways, because there asses, and they’re a danger to you and me on the road.
Ass Zooming. that’s assuming they know how to drive using those clods hoppers of a hoof on their feet.
But they only have one hoof between all four feet.
Well, they might be transformers.
Hey, we live in a day and age where anyone can be anything or any gender they choose.
I once dated a woman who identified as a ketchup bottle.
Which made sense in a weird way, a way I leave to your imagination, because that’s the kind of logic we’re dealing with here today.
Stupid squirrel spider shark clown bird logic.

We aren’t alone in the universe?

We aren’t the only living things in the universe?
Our kind and loving god, in his many forms has more than one pet project?
Well shit.
Time to Naruto run.
So, aliens are real, which means Roswell actually happened, and that what no blimp.
So… fuck it.

I try to self motivate, caffeine usually helps out, gets me ready and pumped for the day, and sometimes chatting with Nigel or Gonzo helps out a bunch. But those chats are rare.

Annnnnd that was disappointing. So, let’s knock this out, or something, because now i’ve got shit piling up in my brain pan that’s worth venting about or something, and yes, fuck the time and dates about when the various part of this fucking thing were updated, because if there’s one thing I love, IT FUCKING INCONSISTENCY. Or incompetence.
Maybe incontinence?
Continents?
Fuck it, inconsistent incompetence incontinence stricken continents.
So, basically, a bunch of disorganized, dumb fucks who can’t control their shitting forming a country.

I know what companies going to skyrocket to the top!

Anyways, Peak 19 is here, and so are new hires, and THERE ARE A TON popping into work everyday, and some of them are memorable, and others are… well, slightly less memorable.
Yesterday, for instance, there were a few Day 1’s trying to open their lockers, Helena and… the other one, wish I’d gotten her name. Anyways, Helena was a bit more memorable because… just holy shit, she just was, they were both having trouble opening their lockers so I helped them out.
nothing special, just something to help them along, y’know?
First gal, Helena, short black gal, based on her energy level, I’d say between 18 and 24, thin frame, glasses, gauges in her ears, frosted tips,  short hair, I’m guessing she works in In/Outbound.
Second gal, didn’t get her name, roughly the same description, no glasses, either Caucasian or Latina, no gauges, just a bit shy,  they were both awesome.
The reason why I say they were both memorable is because there was something unique about them, something interesting, eye catching, a character unique to themselves.
True, there are tons of people I work with that are memorable, each with their own traits that stand out from the rest of the crowd, and I might start talking about them more, because… I don’t know, I seriously need to start blogging more…
Seems like the safest route, or at least, I’m thinking it’s the safest route for me to keep my own energy up.
But the reason the second gal was so interesting was she asked what my gmail was… normally, no one would bat an eye, but she… something caught her eye.
Kinda interesting in a way.

Outside of that, things are going well, because of Peak the managers popped into every department to make sure every part of the place was staffed to account for what I’m assuming is the safe guarding of productivity, so I was placed on 2nd floor Jackpot, and told to singulate the unsingulated. Which is less a really horrifying sex act involving two hornets nests and a pile of half melted Lego bricks and more making sure that the work pops in lengthwise, with no side by sides, and the stickers facing up.
Which, first time around, didn’t know what I was doing, the second time, nailed it LIKE A BAWS.

First half score: .20 percent, only a hundred boxes made it through. I have a feeling that it would’ve been a bit lower had I made sure all the stickers were up. But that’s a REALLY good score, considering the second half was 200 boxes, and I was thinking, dudes and dudettes need to step up their game. So, I’m predicting I might get staffed there again for either first or second half, depends on what’s going down.
One of the newer Jammers, Gonna call her D, who was staffed in the Singulators, got bored of it. She’s used to popping about, talking, doing her own thang. I dunno, kind of disappointed, but Jamming’s not for everyone, are the benefits to Jamming? Yeah, you get to learn about another aspect of the FC that you had no clue about.
Is it draining, yes.
But is the trade off worth it?
Fuck yas.

Everyone starts off White Badge, no exceptions, no matter where they staff you, everyone starts in the basics and then you work your way up. For me, it was receiving, I worked my ass off, got booped to Water spidering, worked my ass off there and eventually knocked out an application to Jam team, made the cut, learned the lay of the land rather quickly, learned a few other aspects, kept motivated, kept knocking out work. Caught the eyes of the peeps that needed a few good workers, and so on and so forth.
Will I eventually knock out Learning Ambassador? Yes, I want to, love teachings others, filling up their intellectual gas tanks with the rocket fuel of the gods!

Eventually, I want to make P.A, but I’m kind of hesitant about it, you see, being PA means early starts and late stops, meaning I’d have to find someway of getting to work earlier, not to mention data management and information analytics. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for all of that, and my shit was on point when it came to knocking notes down during the three day course.
But i needed that information to sink the hell in. Passing the class, not what I’m interested…. actually, yes. I need to stop taking the easy route and stimulate my brain in a way to the point where I feel fulfilled, I feel motivated and excited to try and light up some part of my brain with new information. Because at the moment, I’m just focusing on the physical part, and like any body, there are two sides, the central nervous system and the physical body. One can’t function without the other, ain’t possible, you can either be a really strong dumb ass or Stephen Fucking Hawking.
But to get the best of both worlds?
Y’need to be a really strong Stephen Fucking Hawking.

One more thing, so in regards to the above mentioned really strong Stephen Hawking, there’s a massive dude, named Mark, maybe eight or nine years older then me, the dude is fucking ripped, like diamonds edge ripped, ripped so hard he looks like a PS1 character made physical manifest. The later years, not… just shut the fuck up.
The dude’s a PA and really fucking ripped, the best of both worlds, so he’s just… fucking ripped.

Okay, in regards to an earlier part, Yes, Jam is awesome, y’get some tech on the floor, stay mobile, and get shit done.
Can it be an isolating thing? Yes.
the point being if you keep yourself motivated, occupied, focused on something during the down time, then you can knock it out like a snapped fart in an elevator.

Masturbation is healthy.

Well, with a title like that, you’re sure to be wondering about all the amazing smart sounding bullshit about to flow from the intelligent and sophisticated parts of my head, right?
Right!?
No.
This is called Mindcicles.
Not Mindlopedia.
Y’want smart shit, go somewhere else.
You came here for my dumb ass and whatever insanity flows from my weird ass toes.
As the title states, Masturbation is a healthy thing, both male and female species do it.
How the fuck do birds masturbate!?
WHY IS THIS A QUESTION I’M ASKING!?
It is a release of built up fluids in the body, and also pretty fucking fun!
But more importantly, it’s a reset button, it’s a way for the body to just chill the fuck out and sometimes, it’s a very much needed thing.
Is there such a thing as too much masturbation?
Is there a comparison between such words and either a wet piece of beef jerky or block of Swiss cheese?
Yes.
And that answers that question.
But, it is healthy, and sometimes, other people can help you masturbate.
Hopefully, they don’t have you cornered.
Unless you want them to corner you.
You fucking freak.
It also helps you get to sleep faster, and gets you more focused. Why?
Because you don’t have that urge that punching you in the fun zone going, “Oi, mate! get yer’ fahcking hands down ‘ere and play wi’ meh!
Just remember, there’s a time and place for everything.
that time and place will always be when your alone and need to get the job done right.
Like using a monster truck as a golf cart.

I keep forgetting I have this thing

Annnd Apparently I suck at keeping this blog updated, so… Yeah? Maybe? I don’t fucking know, lmao.
So, let’s just dive right into the kibbles and bits, rather than the dick and shaft. Cause that would hurt both parties involved somehow.
So, what’ have I, the Glorious (Not glorious, just kinda normal) person been up to?
Writing a short story, originally wanted it to be a bit longer, but whatev’s, called, “Another Day and No VTO” it was supposed to be a satire about working in a Amazon Warehouse, the location being called WTF8 and it sometimes delved into some deep level shit.
Dementia, mass shootings, and sex assault. But those were the dark little bits.
On upside we had haunted robots, Hunger Games styled Candy Parades, Sentient furbies, and shit just going absolutely nuts on occasion. I was ramping up the crazy, and at the end of each part, had a poll with different options so people could vote on which one they liked that most.
It went pretty well, I’ve got all the files saved, so I might just slap that together and publish it as is.
Or not, I haven’t decided yet.
How I usually write is there’s usually a “Source”, a motivation so to speak that pops from a place or group, with the source, everything’s peachy, without the source, the project’s pretty much dead in the water.
Anyways, outside of that, everything’s going good. Can’t complain. I’ll do my best to keep everything updated, not rely on FB so much.

Can I tell you something?

I’m shy.
I know, I know… Let it sink in.
I’m normally a talkative person, at least, I was a talkative person, then I had the accident, and… well, everything kind of shifted perspective.
Everything except one aspect of my life.
Writing, it’s been the one thing I can always come back to in case anything ever falls apart of if I need to vent, because off the internet, I don’t feel very powerful.
Even on the internet, I’m not some kind of Demiinfluencer, or star, or anything like that. I’m just me.
All I have are my stories to occupy my time with, and that’s it.
Seriously.
I used to think that all I needed was a bit of luck and persistance and things would work themselves out and for a long time, that’s exactly how I thought, I’m not exactly proud of the results, but I can say that for whatever reason, I have the skillset I do, because I persisted in writing.
Maybe it’s because I have a from of control over whatever happens, or lack of control if I get too deep into the story itself?
Or maybe it’s a god complex?
You know, where you can make or break anything with a few simple keystrokes?
Authors complex, or something, outside of writing, I’m just me.
And, through a lot of self reflection, a bunch of accidents, relationships, a fuck ton of sex, and more than one time where I’ve gotten blackout drunk, or been roofied, I’ve gotten to where I am… Whereever that is.
I’ve got a lot of victories on the board, but for some reason, they don’t feel like victories, they feel like just another day, another step forward, another clank of the gears in the great clockwork of the universe.
I mean, I feel appreciated at work, and sometimes at home, and for a while, I used to feel appreciated on the internet, and in some cases I still do.

Maybe I just want someone to love now a days.
Yeah, I think that’s it.
I need someone to love, someone to come home to and talk about my day and not feel like I’m about to be over taken by some inconsequential thing.
I thought I had that with Caasi, Ashley, and Sarah, and Amy.
Amy was a sweet woman, still is. Just… I wish things had worked out with her, I was actually making real progress with her, and… I just took too long.

There it is, the thing that’s bothering me.
Things taking too long. Maybe patience, or being too patient is the problem? I need to act, need to make impulsive, but smart, decisions! I need to get out there and make short work of supposedly long decisions! I need to put myself out i nthe sun and learn to live with whatever ashes it makes of me!
But… I’m too cautious.
Ever since the accident.

Ever since the accident, survival is the only thing that matters, everything else, including finding love, is secondary…
Kinda sad.

Old post from….. I dunno when.

It’s finally off the ground, re-titled, “Evolution of a Blogger”, covering posts from 2008 to 2016, and it’s hovering around 898 pages at THIS point. Good god, it’s FINALLY happening! See, I told you it would happen eventually, People Who Didn’t Believe Me! So far it’s taken me a total of 18 hours just getting everything into its own little place, and there is a LOT of spelling errors, grammatical corrections, punctuation problems, not to mention unnecessary text in places there shouldn’t be to be corrected, not to mention the separating of the posts themselves, making sure the titles of the years months blog post is indexed correctly in that years months table of contents, and just holy shit…. Just holy shit this is the first of four MiniBosses that I’m up against.
I came up with this idea while I was still attending Victor Valley College, and I’m thinking of adding my Facebook Notes to the collection as well, but I don’t want to go overboard, Nah, I don’t think I will.
Other Projects in the pipeline.
I’m scouring Blake and I’s old chat log archive from yahoo messenger for any kind of short story and just random blurb that’s interesting enough to qualify as a short story, and so far I’ve manage to track down the book summaries, the TRUE beginning of the fourth book, a detailed synopsis of book three, 7 or 8 short story ideas, and there is so much more to go! Not to mention my own short story collection here on Facebook as well, in fact, I was about to get started on writing a post on wordpress when I remembered a short story I had written for Maddie K. called “The Ugly Pumpkin” that was total badassery, true, it only had a few parts to it, but I remember having so much passion for those kinds of stories, where there was a real person by whom I was inspired to write a story, to use them as a muse, that energy behind it!
Plus, Halloween was right around the corner, so that story ended up being pretty cathartic for a number of reasons.
Using Createspace.com to make a beach out of a mountain range.
But, So far? I’ve managed to knock out a number of titles on Amazon using a fun little site called Createspace.com, it’s fast, easy and free to use! Best of all? you have the option of either a 35% or a 70% Royalty on all of your titles, multiple avenues of distribution, they don’t force you to pay them to pay for publishing, but rather, give you the option to pay for a professional to design your books cover, not to mention the ability to publish Music CDs or DVDs from their site as well!
Here are my published works, complete with links!
Wrath of Puppy Monkey Baby (Everyone loves this one for some reason.)
Messages to a Really Bad President (Still need to get rid of the old version)
The Debate of Factions (Bush Era Politics and Smoke Monsters)
The Six Strings of the Highlanders Guitar (Story about Family…. a REALLY Fucked up family.)
Songs of the Soul (My big ass book of lyrics) Manliest Diary in the world (Literally a diary for boys.)
One Shots — Army of the Incomplete (A Collection of Short Stories I’ve written over the years.)
And if you search up Dorikame on Amazon, you’ll most likely see these, written by Blake Frazee and myself and published using Xlibris, and for future reference, we will be using Create space for the Revamp of the first book, titled “Dorikame Saga: Birth of Change, Liory King Edition” with additional content, a deeper story-line, and just… better everything mixed in with the original book y’all love so much! We will also be using the Createspace platform for A slightly touched up version of Broken Omen as well as for books 3 through 10 of the Dorikame Saga.
The Dorikame Saga: Birth of Change
The Dorikame Saga: Broken Omen
Everything will be made available to be purchased in eBook format as well for Kindle or whatever y’all have. This includes everything that I’ve written, ever, in the entirety that I’ve been on the internet as far back as I can find it. you remember how I was talking about “EoaB” Or Evolution of a Blogger” being the first of four Mini bosses that I’m tackling?
Well, here are the other three planned projects that qualify in order of size:
Minion Level:
270 Separate
One Shots – Lost and Forgotten
The Brothers Dorikame – Lost Legends
War of the Holos
Masla’s Revenge
Normal Day
Shadow Heart
Rage of the Puppy Monkey Baby
Infinite Web
Miniboss Level
working title:
Okay, Cupid, tell me a love story
Diary of the Mad Twitter
Final Boss Level: Sogno Della Dinastia (Books 1 through 10)
The Dorikame Saga (Books 3 through ten)
My invisible Facebooking…
I am well aware that I haven’t been on Facebook as much as I probably should have, but at the same time, I’ve been more active on twitter and YouTube, I haven’t been sharing my vids from YouTube as much lately because… For no real reason, really. Sometimes the videos are short, stupid, and have no purpose, and other times, I really do have things that are of relevance. I’ve missed out on whatever weirdness is playing out here, partly because I really… just don’t care about that kind of thing, partly because I’m very busy with before mentioned list of projects, writing, compiling, editing, formatting, publishing, that kind of thing, and partly because I just have better things to do. Yes, one could make the argument that could kind of make me a soulless irritating bastard for not liking whatever “cat on a roomba” GIF you uploaded in response to someone making a tart comment about a picture of you eating McDonald’s in an ugly sweater while your boss was wearing a lampshade, drunk off their ass at an office Christmas party that no really cares about anymore, but that’s your problem.
Look, i love y’all, I really do. I’m just incredibly busy knocking these things out left and right. And while, yeah, internet drama is fun and all, after a while you just notice the same repetitive pattern of weird useless BS that repeats itself with a different flavor every time. Is it important? Of course, because it affects you or those close to oyu, or offends or excites you in one way or another. Is it worth investing your time in if you grabs your eye? Hey, you do you, if that makes you happy, go for it.
Personal Evolution
At the same time, we should take a long hard look at how we’re spending our time, and ask ourselves these following questions: Are we using it to the best of our ability? What productivity will come of it? Will we learn or practice a skill or trade from it? Will others find enjoyment out of it in their own ways?
If the answer to all or most of those questions is yes, then by all means, go for it. Do what is important to you, if in the long run, you find yourself in a corner, just do what comes naturally to vent off the steam, get back to your happy place, and move forward. I see this all the time on twitter, teens and young adults getting mad about things from days or weeks ago that they just found out about, and doing their best to try and find a way to make said person feel like an idiot about it. Yeah, to some extent, it’s important for John “I keep my kids imprisoned” Whatshisfuckface to be called out on his bullshit, but if you keep your focus on the stuff that makes you angry? Then I have to ask you, “Why are you so focused on it?” Why focus on the anger and resentment and the fear that will nail your self confidence to the floor and never let up?
I ask these questions, because for the longest time, I was that teen, then young adult, and now that I’ve had some time (Two months, lmao, thank you Great Lakes Naval RTC, you taught me many a thing.) to REALLY think about everything. Every single thing that brought me to that point. I thought about what it was that everyone’s so very angry about, what we’re all so happy about, what makes the world go round and round, and I think I’ve found the answer.
Why we’re angry: We’re angry because of the things we can’t change but want to change. We’re like ants trying to push a ping pong ball up a little mole hill. Individually, a single ant cant do much, but with the support of others, we really can push that ping pong ball over the hill, and get the change we want. Why we’re so happy: Because of the many different celebrations in our lives, celebrating that which elevates us or makes us feel good about ourselves or others is very important, (No shit). Love, birth, discovery, recovery, rehabilitation, reaching our destination on whatever path we hold dear? All of those are reasons to be so very happy!
What makes the world go round: Love, joy, progress, forward momentum that never ceases. We are a collection of people, each of us facing a variety of directions, often times, the directions we face are different from those right next to us, and vice versa, and it may seem like the directions anyone of us is facing, is backwards to another person, but regardless of what direction we are looking towards, we always face forward. Am I stating that every path or facing direction is a healthy one? Nope. Am I stating that one group of people is right over another? Nope. All I’m saying is that the journey forward can face any direction it wishes, and whether or not the destination is good or bad is just another determining factor in our own personal evolution’s.
Big ass thank you to everyone in my life that’s helped me, influenced me, that We’ve talked, conversed in one way or another, or we interacted a few times. All of you are truly amazing people, and believe me, I’ve tried coming up with a list of peeps, trust me, but there are too many to name and I just don’t want to snub anyone or have y’all feel left out.
Peace.
——————–
Update:
I’m now working at Amazon full time, having become a blue badge, things are getting interesting, and I’m pretty happy, I’m guessing this post was written way the fuck in 20…18, had to re-read some of the stuff. Anyways, things are good, God, I really need to get all of those drafts posted.

Dear short women.

As you know, being short or tall has it’s advantages and disadvantages.
Keeping the ass hats away with bad vision is one of them.
I would like to think smaller boobs meaning less back pain would be another one, but then again, it’s a matter of perspective. More importantly, I would like to believe that science has been lying to us all and their are actually two brain halves, one in each breast. this explains why women in general are considered smarter than men.
Because we too have a second brain, it’s just rather unfortunately placed, and we keep sitting on them from time to time.
that being said, as a tall man, or Stretchy Boi as one would phrase it, it’s come to my understanding that Short woman plus Tall man equals Relationship goals. mainly because I’d like to think, and I’m just being blunt here, and I’m quoting a friend here, “That tall man dick just fills more.”
If I am mistaken, please let me know.
Yes, I will talk about the sex organs, whatever’s on my mind, because even though there are things that need pictures of cupcakes, exotic locales, or trips to where ever the fuck, I’m not one of those types that randomly douches it up because “Clickbaiting” means having to lie to you about how awesome I am.
So sirs and Madame’s, I’m treating you, yes YOU, like the beautiful intelligent persons you are and not having bright colorful pictures every two words.
They are pretty, they are fun.
I am neither.
I’m much better than them.
Suck it http://www.travelbanana.org.
You ass.

Right, talking about short women, meh, I really don’t like staying on topic, Short women are the shit, all women are the shit, y’all keep humanity going, no matter the height, because love is love. And We all know what’s at the base end of love, right?
Oh yeah, a shit ton of fuckin’.

But hey, we’re all adults here, and everyone has their things.
Some people like to fall in love, other’s want to love a sad clown in an iron lung.
Because there are people with a void of darkness in their hearts.
OMG THE CUPCAKE TRUCK IS HERE!
Fucking love me some cupcakes.

I’m giving myself ten minutes…

Fuck, I thought I had a lot more time than just ten fucking minutes to get a god damned post out, but that’s what happens when you schedule pretty much consists of Eat, sleep, work, repeat, and trying to find time to get something enjoyable done is a fucking nightmare when it takes someone a long ass time to get their asses where it needs to be when it needs to be there, but that’s life, right? when life gives you lemons, you get lemon aid, or Lemo Naid. The worlds lamest spy, just stands there, watching you, like you did something wrong, occasional taking a puff out of a Sherlock Holmes looking ass pipe and just… staring.
but shit… gotta go, lot is happening, wish I had more time…

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