well… here it is… the most personal topic youll ever hear me write about.. out for the world to read and hear.. well, might as well get on with it then right?
it was a somber event to say the least, in part with grampas last moments, wich the whole family was there for his last two day hurrah, wich surprised the hospice to say the least. i dont think she thought he would last more then a couple of days. i was there too, it… it…it was something new to me. ive always read about people going through the stages of dying, paling of the skin, loss of movement, reorganizing of memories… but to be right by his side when it was actualy happening, it stunned me alot.
part of me was just torn apart inside, not really knowing wich way was up, and the other part of me was just trying to keep it together. i remember everything so crystal clear, like it was yesterday. well i know it wasnt yesterday, but it still somethingthat will stay with me forever. i mustve stayed by his side for at least a half hour befor getting some rest, then we prayed over him to have a peaceful passing, and not go through any pain. he looked so pale. is that how well all look when we die in our old age? bummer. that means ill have to get a tan befor i go.
granma was theo ne who was the most affected by the whole thing. she still is, i call her every once in a while to see how things are going, she says shes fine, but she isnt. none of us are anymore. i wonder how long it will take to recover from this?
the next day or so, he passed away in his sleep. everyone was in tears the hwole time, but i had to hold it together, i gave everyone hugs, i had to be the strong one there… buti nside i wasnt, i was lost, in my thoughts about what was going on, about everything that had happened in my life, about where im going with it. to tell the truth it still saddens me whenever i think about it, however on a positive note, i can audition way the hell better then i could before. but at what cost?
he was a good man, james francis gavin. he was my grandfather, my friend, and he lives on in all the gavin clan, and beyond that as well. he touched so many lives that its impossible to understand to depth of his warmth and his heart. thats my goal in life, to lead a life like his. our whole church and the community was there, friends, family, and the what not as well. but im getting ahead of myself here.
the ride there was quiet for most of the time, everyone was talking about things to take there minds off of his death, i couldnt think of anything, my mind was a complete and utterly empty void as we made our way over to his house. we grabbed breakfast over at wendys. when we got there, all of us were… all of us were…just trying to make it through the day without messing it up, my aunts were just devistated by the loss of there fathers, as were most of my cousins and myself included. but we couldnt possibly know the pain and loss of directions his wife had recieved. granmas a good woman, she knew about granpas cancer as did we. it was in its final stages and had made a reappearearance everywhere.
they asked me if i wanted to leave the room as they were going to take him out of the room. i told them no, id stay there and watch as they put him on the gurney and wheeled him out of the house and put him into the ambulence, i watched them drive off. it still didnt hit me then that he had died, like i was in denile of what i was seeing and that it was all just a dream. but i had to face reality and went back inside the house to comfort the others as much as i could.
everyday till the funeral seem to pass so slowly, my thoughts drifted from one things to the next without much direction, hell, i even thought about kim for a bit just to try to cheer myself up a bit. it didnt work as i was wracked with grief over granpa. as im sitting here writing this, at random points im tearing up. but nothings flowing yet. thank god for that. my thoughts swam from thing to thing, like i was looking for an answer to this question: was it going to get easier from this point on? i couldnt hear or see the answer for the longest time. no it wont get easier. id just… have to take the hits as they came along. we were at my uncle randys place. a beautiful mansion of a place completely with pool, hottub, down stairs theatre with leather seating and over four thousand movies to choose from.. or thats what it seemed like to me. the number of movies, i mean, everything else is real.
as i was saying befor, the sermon for grampas funeral was excellent, although it did trouble me a bit to see no one get up to say some words about him, probably because we were all so tied up with anxiety that he wasnt suffering anymore and is in a better place.
i was one of the pallbearers, it still didnt hit me that he was dead, like i said before, it felt like a dream that i woke up from, only to discover that it was real, and very much in fact, did happen. so that it. i finaly talked abouti t. and there you have.