the creature bolted through the dead forest, the burning deserts and the happy playtime channel, burning through anything that came into his range of vision. villagers burned to death, buildings were destroyed, and sweaty guys in rubber monster costumes lost their jobs. the creature was wreaking havoc on all who dared cross his path. but there was one far more insidious and persistent then he could ever be. and her name was little suzy gordon.
she was a girl scout cookie saleswomen. a level four executive.
“would you like to buy some snickerdoodles for troop number seven eighty five?” the creautre stood at his full heighth of twenty feet tall by seven feet wide, his eyes burned with the rage of one thousand hells. he took one look at little suzy and noted that this would indeed be the work of the god of terror himself. he took a deep breath and prepared his most destructive attack ever conceived by the door of existence. “no.” he simply said, and watched as little suzys face began to turn a beet red as tears started streaming down her face. he bolted onward but was clotheslined by her mother.
tulip. she was a soccer mom. a annoying soccer mom.
“will you buy my duaghters cookies please? the proceeds go to charity!” the creature took a swipe at the soccer mom with no effect. “im sorry, did you not hear me correctly? you WILL buy my daughters cookies or face a mothers rath.” the creature smiled al ittle bit before turning invisible and ran by the soccer mom and the girlscout. and then it happened. the skies darkened with the trillions of soccer momsn and their daughters, each of them holding in their possesion a box of snickerdoodles. each wanting him to buy their box.
the creature buckled down and bolted forward, his fear out weighing his rage, there was nothing more vicious or cruel then the sight of trillions of girlscouts, foaming at the mouth, their eyes red and fiery with determination as they sold their cookies. and then the den mother appeared in front of him. “YOULL BUY HER FUCKING COOKIES!” “LEAVE ME ALONE!” “BUY HER COOKIES!” the creature screamed in utter fear as the swarm of girlscouts and their boxes of cookies closed in on him. “ive… had… ENOUGH! TASTE THE DESTRUCTIVE POWER OF THE CREATU-” he slammed his fists into the ground, shattering the world he was on into chunks and causing the girlscout swarm the clump together to form the super girlscout.
“BUY MY FUCKING COOKIES YOU DICK! THEYRE COOKIES! LOVE ME!” the creature knew what this meant, and he did not like it in the least. “SNICKERDOODLE BLAST!” the giant box of cookies the super girlscout held in her hand burst open as thousands upon thousands of demented winged snickerdoodle cokies took to flight, rocketing themselves against the awesome might of the creature.
“FASCIO DI MORTE!” the creature screamed as huge black bolts of lightning shot from his mouth, slamming through the demonic snickerdoodles and searing their way through the body of the super girlscout. “DONT YOU DARE HURT MY LITTLE BABY!” came an even bigger, deeper, and numerous voices of the trillions of soccermoms who joined together to form a monster more vicious, more cruel, more devestating, and trillions of times more deadly then the creature could ever be. “now, just hold on a minute there, dontcha know youre supposed to buy her cookies!?” the voice was unmistakable.
they had become, barney fife. and not much gets by him. “TEAR HIS SOUL FROM HIS BODY, AND SEND HIM TO THE DEPTHS OF HELL MY MINIONS!” he shouted, and then took a nap because all that shout had taken a lot of him and he had already had a rough week.
there was no doubt in his mind that he was utterly being fucked over by the girlscouts of america, and barney fife.