as barney fife snored, the girl scouts of america slammed into the creature with a force only the crackheads of new york would be able to comprehend. “hey, geto ff me… that TICKLES!” the creature said calmly as the little scouts hits felt like more of a message then anything else. “hey! this aint so bad, a little to the left!” the creature said happily, but then realized that they werent giving him a messagel ike he thought. he looked all over his body to find that they had placed exploding snickerdoodles all over his body. and they would not come off.
“BUY OUR COOKIES OR WE WONT BE LOVED!” shouted one girlscout, “I WANT DADDY ALL FOR MYSELF!” said another particularly ragged looking girl who had tattered her uniform and had also accidenlty placed a number of exploding cookies on her face out of habit. “um… shit.” was all the creature could say before the miniture explosions sent him flying into the air, slamming him through many scenes of extreme gore and sickness that he could only attribute to the disney channel. “NO! NOT HANNAH MONTANNA! ANYTHING BUT HANNAH MONTANA!” he shouted in fear as a teeny bopper country singer started singing about family values, corperate sales, and forced virginity.
the explosions rocketed him still further into the sky which had gradually been darkening for an unknown reason. “BUY OUR COOKIES OR DADDY WONT GIVE ME A PONY!” said the same ragged looking girl, who just by coincidence had been launched by the rest of her troop. “SON OF A BITCH YOU PEOPLE JUST DO NOT GIVE UP DO YOU!?” the creature screamed in fear as the cookies explosions slammed them head first into each other. “WHY WONT YOU BUY MY COOKIES!?” she screamed in frustration. “BECAUSE I DONT LIKE YOU ANYMORE!” the creature roared back, equally as frustrated by this turn of events.
“yep, he should be landing here any time now.” barney fife said in an unflinching tone of voice. the small town sheriff took two or three steps to the left and yawned as the creature and the girlscout slammed into the ground, sending huge chunks of earth into the sky where they just kind of floated there. “WHY!? WHY WONT YOU BUY MY COOKIES!? DONT YOU THINK IM PRETTY!?” the psychotic girlscout asked in a furious andeven more forceful tone then the creature had ever known. “YEAH! YOUR PRETTY SOMETHING ALRIGHT! HAVE A TASTE OF YOUR OWN COOKIES YOU PSYCHOTIC BITCH!” the creature shouted as his hand shoto ut, grabbed a large amount of cookies, and shoved them down her throat.
he then proceeded to run like hell for fear of being sent into the same area as sky as the girl scouts of america swarmed over him, awaiting barney fifes orders. “girls, i want you… to give him the special treatment. you know the one.” he yawned again and stood still as the ragged girlscout exploded into a fiery inferno as she did some serious soul searching in the last two seconds of whatever kind of life she had. “damn it… now i gotta sew her back up… again.” the sheriff growled. “she gets dumber every time. oh well.”
the creature was now covered in rainbow, butterfly, heart, pony, and princess barbie stickers. he was at his wits end, he was covered in girly stickers, and he didnt want to displease resaec. something had to be done about this. he stopped for a second to consider going into retail, but didnt have much choice in the matter because another hundred explosions sent him flying back to hannah montana where she clobbered him with her disney contract, and then read him the clause about giving them her first born son. “THIS IS TOO FUCKING CRU-” and then kanye showed up. “ID LIKE TO TAKE THIS MOMENT TO SAY THAT IM THE BEST THATS EVER BEEN, AND TAYLORS JUST A LITTLE BITCH WHITE GIRL WHO CANT SING! THIS AWARD SHOULD GO TO BRITTANY!” the creature was even more confused.
“WHERE THE HELL AM I!?” and then barney fife showed up again. with the biggest stockpile of c4 and hand grenades ever. “you know what this is?” he asked casually as if showing a kid a peice of candy. “this is a pile of boom.” the creatures eyes started to water up from the sheer level of dissapointment he had in himself. “boom?” he asked in a squeaky fearful voice. barney nodded happily. “boom.” he said definitively.
the swarm of girlscouts buzzed around the creaure with deadly fire in their eyes. they chanted their demented motto over and over again. “BUY OUR COOKIES OR MOMMY WONT GIVE US HUGS!” the creature had a sudden thought in his head about buying some of the fucking cookies so they would just leave him alone. but that thought was quickly dismissed as time seemed to slow down and he saw the stockpile slowly explode into a flurry of fire and shrapnel. his body paralyzed by the sudden realization that he would be buying girlscout cookies the rest of his natural life after this.
he watched in terror as barney fife, the lord of where ever the fuck he was, mouthed the words “buy their boom.” and faded into the oncoming explosion as five hundred shockwaves slammed through his body, fusing the joints in place so he couldnt avoid the homing shrapnel.
“oh you have GOT to be fucking kidding m-“