it almost feels unbearable, the urge to lash out and say something brash, to jsut get it out of my system and be done with it. but ive grown accustomed to the frequent quelling of my anger so that those two may feel better about htemselves. all i can do is react how they want me to react, deal with the stress in my own way, and hope that i can weather the storm one more time until im able to release on line. accusations, blamed for thingsi have no interest in, asking stupid questions that make me feel even worse then before. it feels like im always at the center of whatever problems theyre having.
i can never just feel good about something becausei know that sooner or later it will be thrown in my face like i did something bad. all i can do is fall into line with whatever everone else wants me to do. i am after all, just a human pincushion for everyones stresses to be pinned into. but when i have something to shout about, something to vent, its discounted because they dont want to hear me vent my rage. then they tell me that it hurt their feelings, or that i cant be angry, or someother bullshit.
so what? why must i always be the one to keep quiet when im angry, while everyone else gets to be angry and rant and rave? somedays its almost unbearable with the short amount of time ive got to put the breaks on beforei end up saying something that wil get THEM angry. i hardly care at all about why or how or even when something happens. i stopped showing my emotions to them when i lost it the first time. and i became silent, i rolled over when they wanted me to, i was the door mat for when they wanted to pin something on me, ive become a weakling in mind.
yet they want me to stand up for myself when it comes to other people. because they get angry when they see people treat me the same way they do with out consequence. its the only way i can make them see the errors of their ways, the only way i can even survive is to let everyone else do and say what they will and treat it like game that i cant even pretend to win. lol… games… well, thanks to the spiderweb project, ive got more then enough recources to let the shit fly with out consequence, to make myself feel better in my own way.
i cant get angry and fly off the handle, but i can hold on to that anger and turn it into something productive that actually lets me accomplish something to some end or another. people always say that ive looked sad to them, and ive had to say that i wasnt sad, that it was just my regular way that my face has settled. i dont like it anymroe then they do, but if thats the way i need to look to them, sad, then itll be my mask that i can put on to protect… no, thats not even a good word fori t, hide. thats a better word for it, to hide what im feeling.
those precious times when i can spend sometime with my love, i cherish those so much that it sometimes is heartbreaking. but then again, i have to be the strong one everyone wants me to be in order to survive this storm of razors.
on a serate note, ive done osmething about the whole banishment thing. the truth of the matter is that her, arelene, juristiction is on the campus, and not the net. instead of getting into an argument with her, i just let her yap on while i thought of how best to deal with the situation. i dont care about vvc anymore, but i dont wish the students that go there any ill will.
why do i put the real names of people i talk about? because, its direct, honest. it doesnt hide behind nicknames, it doesnt mislead, it directs your attention to that particular person in general. and the one thing i can count on is making those persons accountable for what ever they did right or wrong. i will never apologize for stating my opinion even if those mentioned in them dont like it. it my opinion, not yours, if you dont like it, then do what i do and bitch on the net.
that goes double for both bogstalker and regular stalkers. just bitch and rant on the world wide web. wheren o one gives a damn, where every one can be as immature or as strict as they want themselves to be. itso nly when those words turn into actions offline that the written word can become a problem.
well, ive got to post this and figure out what im going to do today. lifes worth living, the future is always availible ot those who seek it. time is not composed of money, and most importantly of all, in this day and age, you do NOT have to spend money to MAKE money.