maybe its a drunk blog? posted posted 2/15/2008 7:56:08 PM

alrighty my little helions, time for yet another drunk blog. the fine product that enablng this: oggies beer, where pizza and beer cloide, there gonna be a god fight. so whatson my innebriated mind today? rozencrants and giuldenstern… well thats the main thing today anyway.

going back to an old and frankly not very interesting topic, like the canidate debates on ccn being hosted by a slighty eccentric briant gumble n fire, which is very interesting. but to say the least, the play itself was just a bit wierd for me. since i was taking a set design class, everything was hunkydori, until she showed up in the picture, like liza manellis habit of beating on her agents in the worst way, this play experience for me would head in disastrous territori. since kim was cast in it, and i, being like kobi bryant doging rape charges, was avoiding her like crazy. it was ineviable thati would ev entualy have to deal with the situation. so while there were rehersing one day on stage and i was going through the script making nots aong the way, she asked what i was doing there. i simply held up the stupid scrit as if thiking that would solve things. stupid me, i had to say that i was taking a set construction class.

which i was, hold on need more beer.to unlock the mind of its demons, one must be willing to lubricate and unhinge him or herselfs mind. easier said then done. anyways, as the days wore on, i became increasigly introverted on the class study itself. then that day happened, the day she was in the queens red dress. shook me up a lot it did, shook me up more times then you could shake a stick at alec baldwins angry messeges. but i had to keep focused on the main goal, i had to either keep it inside my mind and heart or let the flod gates drop and the waters of truth wash over me. i had to confront her, to tell her that i liked her, to tell her that it was ok, thati didnt mind the rejection, that her fear of me was justified, that her friends protecting her was nice. 

but that main thing was, and always would be, that my heart and mind conflicted everytime on what to do, so much terror i was in, so much conflict over what to do. everytime i saw the red dress, my heart skipped beats and my pulse jumped, my hands became sweaty and my mind thought of nothing else but my love for her. one day during dress rehersal i was asked by cassidi, the stage manager at the time, to go help the actors with there costumes, i of course was intimidated by the thought of being near her, but i did as i was told. i went down the stairs into one of the hallways of the old theatre, but was greeted not with joy but with abject annoyance. i explained my orders to them and they told me to just go back to where i came from. to which i followed orders as well. i was slightly releived qand slightly pissed off with myself.

i tried to get my mind in the game but i couldnt, i couldnt get my head around why cassidi asked me to do such a thing. was it to help or to hinder me? or was it just something she wanted me to do? ill never know, and to this day i dot want to know the truth, since i have already known it from the start.

yet there was more and more. jeez this beer really slobber knocks ya doesnt it? i give it four stars. kim herslef, i can imagine how she mustve felt by my presence ther. im sure she was quite uncomfartabl as i was. did she pity me or did she see me as a threat to her saftey? i figure both. was i so at falt for having feelings for her? damn my high hairline… oh well, just as micheal jackson continues to be acused of fighting priest for little boys. i must continue.

she was an angel from the heavens to me then, a light at the end of tthe tunnel to which i must follow, there was something about her i couldnt put my figner on, but i needed her more then anything else at the time, and sometimes, even now, even when i have amanda at my side, i think i still do. the days before the weekend were nerve wracking for the cast as ed was runng them ragged with dressrehersal and blocking, orders to be off book and other such commands that a director must give. but i suppose that what does not kill a person makes them stronger.

i became increasingly arrat as i began writing down my own conversations with myself over varis topics during rehearsal, while at the same time, keepig up with the scenes. perhaps hey had not one ounce of confidence in my abiities then and still dont to this day. i dont care. ive all but given up hope of acting. but i must persevere, i must go on like saterday night live and deliver unto the masses the final puchline. for reasons unknown i wanted to bury the hachet with kim, to apologize if i had scared her, to ask for forgiveness for the wrongs i had done. to apologize for having emotions.

to this extent i bought her a card appropriate situation, i got qa card with a stark white background and a poem written on the background, i had spent hard earned money thati had accued with the measure x job i had acchieved. but thats another story for another time. 

although i purchased the card with the whole hearted intentions of giving it to kimberly kelly in person, i found that i lacked to courage to do it with. i spent fifteen minutes writting out my thoughts on certain matters to her, that i was over her, that i did love her but i didnt want her to have any fear of me. was i so wrong in doing this action? or were we just two souls so intertwined, that we were ripped from each others arms because of our experiences?

i thought that by presenting the card to her in person, i might be acieving some sort of direct contact with her, some sort of connection that we both showed compassion for one another. i lacked the courage to hand it to her myself, i instead chose her grandmother of all people. an action for which i was yelled at by her. so angery was she thati had lost my temper. she told me how darei not give the card to her in person, that i was a coward for my actions, i couldnt get the courage with in myself to do something in person instead of hiding behind someone else to do the job for me. i had become the villian. the out cast, i forced all the blame onto myself and no one else. my actions were my own and no one elses… though today i am not a coward, i am not a sheep but a wolf, a man full of courage and strength and love, a man of friendship and of dignity.

afeter she hand the card back to me, i could sense her anger and hate, her fear that her idea of me might actually be true. how i wish i could turn back time and say something to her face. but it was for naught, as she walked back into the theatre i found myself not feeling one emotion, not one iota of sympathy. only truth to my action and simple hurt, embarrasment. i was crushed and defended my mind for reason unknown to myself. only my soul can say for sure. i had for maybe ten seconds the card in my hand when i tossed it into a nearby garbage can and walked off calmly, only

Posted via web from The mind of Morgan James Gavin

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