too paranoid to sleep

you ever have that moment where youre actually afraid of yourself, or at least the inner workings of your mind? im at that point. the dumping of me happened only a few days ago, and i thought i would be cool with it, but my dreams have just scared the fuck out of me, and even at one point caused me to cry in my sleep. the pains just a little too much to bear, and yet somehow, i survive each day by pushing it to the back of my mind. lol… morgan the strong… i guess not. or maybe its just that the days are better then the night becausei m more alert? maybe not. itsm y unconcious mind telling me to wake the fuck up and smell the reality of the situation. i fucked up the relationship with my bad manners, horrid attitude, and lack of interest and general indifference to many situations. i easily folded when i should stood my ground, i fucked too much and listened too little, only to become the bearer of my own doomed mentality. or maybe not. either way the dream i have tell me im not over caasi, not by a long shot. or maybe i am and i just hope to god that for some slim peice of shit chance shell come back to me even though i know the truth of the matter. but these fear and pains arem ostly ground in a secret sauce of self loathing and low self confidence in a state of mental weakness. which would obviously attribute to some of my more colorful attitudes to such things. but i hsould remember that gut feelings are meant to be followed, not lured around by their noses like tying a carrot to the end of a stick and slapping the rabbits ass in hopes it wont go anywhere. because it will. this is what happened to me, i was predumping dumped. thats where the womans screws aorund with your mind for the next week or three after shes decided shes not into you anymore. i hated that more then anything i guess. the not knowing when it would happen and yet knowing it would happen. i try not ot take such a literal appoach to the end of all good things. but none the less, there it is, screaming at me like an abandoned two year old, hoping somehow that id lead it to saftey. the fact of the matter is that ive become just a flacid door mat for anyone hoping to get their kicks in, only to react when im angered and then have justifiable reason to do so. is there anything more repugnant then that which we know of, and yet follow through to the end of it like some wierd zombie, feasting on the flesh of a carsalesman? bad analogy. maybe im just a glutton for punishment? or maybe its jsut that i didnt know id know the day would come when shed leave me. but i need to stop feeling sorry for myself, just because the break up happened and i spent fifteen minutes trying to hopefully, yet lousily, fix things so that it wouldnt happen, even though its already dead in the water. im worried, scared, paranoid, and now im devolping a slight case of delusional insomnia because of it. this isnt me, i like being happy, and this mask i keep putting on for the audience to laugh at isnt helping matters much. i dont want to end up screaming my heado ff from the frustration of it all. i try to keep myself as busy as i can with a constant parade of projects designed to keep my mind off of the one very real fact thats been staring me in the face this whole damned time. that no matter how hard i try, or how hard i dont try, the world moves on ando n adnd on, in a never ending kaliedoscope of tragic events that make time fly by. when in reality people are only percieving each other through different points of view. so how do we know if this is actually our reality or if its just some acid trip weve never come out of? it feels so surreal, so damaging, so hard core, that no matter how many times i shake my head and try to keep close seeing the inevitable, it will always happen. is there really such a thing as true love or do we keep fooling ourselves to keep from fulfilling our primal urges to beat the person we think we know over the head with the closest thing we can find? there sint any real justification to this incessant madness of mine,. but i cant think of anyways to stop it from crawling over me like a swarm of flies, slowly sucking away the remaining strength i have and leaving me in a huddle ball, shivering for the warmth of the woman i once called my fiance? no… ive got to move on as quickly, as quietly, and as swiftly asp ossible so that those that wish me harm cant point their fingers at me and shout to the world that they were right and i will always be wrong. if there is any truth to this stupid pissy and indecive split personality rant, caught in a storm of both self doubt, utter paranioa, and the perpituity that nothing ever workso ut like you planned it to, ive become self aware that my mindset, coupledd with my constantly morbid way of being indifferent to the things that dont interest me must change to a morep ositive out look. but with a broken heart, slowly draining mind by the day, and a deep look into the madness of my mind each time i close my eyes to sleep, i can only wonder at what point will i actually become the person everyone knows i can be? or if this event is actually taking place. but it must be, or else i… i.. dont know what else to do. i think im lost even though i know where i am. ill recover slowly, i know that much. i just have to get to sleep, deal with the demons of my mind, and hope to god i can get through this without erupting into a fit of screaming rage, followed by some stress induced shivering. shaky, yet stirred into a mental eccentricity… life sure has become interesting all of a sudden.

Posted via email from The mind of Morgan James Gavin

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