do you hate me? do you secretly mock me? lol, i know htere are some of you that do. i wont pretend its a happy go fucking lucky world out there. in fact, id much rather there be a mix ofl ove and hate. what am i talking about? whats this? the normally chipper morgan isnt happy? lmao… dont get me started, or rather, ill get myself started. i want to bitch and moan, and ocmplain, because this is my blog.
i mean, lets be honest here. it IS my blog after all.
the few that did sub, pretty much did so on a whim, so i wont be surprised if i never get a attaboy from any of them. but i do know ill get something of the oppisite effect from my dear old stalker. huh. pathetic aint it? i wouldve thought that by making headway with this huge blog project that id be doing something worth while, but apparently, its just a simple waste of my time as usual.
in fact, almost everything i do is a monumental waste of time. im drowning out here, creativiley starving because i cant find anyone to collaborate with, and the ones that might i dont really trust all that much, or have burned bridges or their just being pricks. i gues i really am nothing more then a fucking clown, whose misery is others joy, whos sadness and inner turmoil fuels the way people laugh about the sky. but then again… this doesnt surprise me in the least.
nothing does. and my fucking gkey is still stuck. lol. i cant think of anything different from either here ormyspace or face book. im not one of the greats, im not some frantic genius hiding form thep ublic eye because of something else… i just cant let it go… lol. i want the attention, but i take the least workable way to get there. and then i wonder why im alone… hell even in my own house i get treated like im some sort of fuck up, and thats generally the case.
i think its rather unfair, yeah go ahead and unsub, at this point its not really worth anyone times to read this complain, notl ike im going to edit it anyways. this pitiful fucked up life of mine, bullied from start to end… it really doesnt serve me any purpose to continue dealing with these moronic idiots that feel their someway better then me, that im lower in class then them and that they can just walk all over me until i step to their level. but i dont think i should complain, as i simply waste away like a rotten vegatable. and i know im just giving yall fuel to rag on me with, but then again, am i simply supposed to talk about the happy stuff?
whats the point of having a blog if i cant say what i want?
what kind of shit is that?
so what, the purpose of a blog went from some place to write your thoughts to trying to get the biggest fucking audience with some useless information? hows that supposed to give any real satifaction? humor used to cover the sadness one feels… lol. like it helps for those of us drasticly realizing that this is the best any of us are going to get. mentally stuck in a primordial stew of our own failures. pathetic.
and yet we survive by some miracle. i sometimes wish that i would just drop dead with out a care in the world, that maybe my next life wont be as problematic or idiot filled as this one. i wouldnt have to deal with assholes, and other that think they can just walk all over me. maybe this is the part of me thats just yearnign to come out. maybe im sick of writing dumb assed stories that wont get anywhere, or keeping quiet about the horrid feelings im keeping pent up like a lion in its cage.
does anything really matter? through out our life were told to consume or were not as good as them. of course theyre being told the same thing. it doesnt matter who they are, its just matter what they are teaching us. teachers, history, time. nothing matters. the bible teaches us to forgive and forget, and yet we fire all cylenders like its no big deal and well get over it. but does it actually really matter to those of us that just want to be happy with out the demoralizing effect of deal with constantly crabby people?
i mean, really? does anyone actually take the time to read these things besides my stalker? anyone at all? no? well, doesnt matter to me. im going to get back to the basics of writing:
doing it for ones own satifaction rather than the pursuit of large audiences. because while on myspace, i learned that people just want to know who the real person is behind that facade we call the public persona. am i happy guy right now? no. not at all. i just lost a pet, im stil lgetting over my break up, and on top of that, i think i might have some form of cancer or what not. its sad to think that im almost 26 years of age, and theo nly thing remotely even close to getting what the ignorant call “real life” is a california id. lol, i laugh at myself because i find it funny, dont you?
of course you do. youre just too ashamed to say anything about it, because it would be one of those horrid experiences.
but deep down you want to laugh and point your finger at me and yell at the top of your lungs “hes not one of us. we dont like him.” go ahead and say it, im used to being alone, ive done it before and ill continue doing it. im not one to actually care for what others have thought of what i do. staying out of view, keeping quet when i shouldve stayed strong and said something… useless.
in fact, the only way i can even marginalize not slittle my wrists and throat is by that slim prospect that i might be getting something published, and even then, my lonliness leaves me wondering whether i can pull through another day of the same crap ive always dealt with:
stupid situations that frankly dont even interest me enough to just look both ways.
its almost gotten to the point where my heart hearts anytime i try to just stop and think. which i cant do, i can never just stop and think with quiet. silence, no noise what so ever. there always has to be this noise that will focus my mind a bit beforei can even form a sentence. and that never happens nearly often enough for me to actually speak my mind.
well, fuck it. im not mad, and at first i was ticked, but that turned to sadness, which turned to annoyance, which then turned into boredom. so im ending it here. see you later, and if you dont like what you read… well, i cant help you there, since this is my blog.