well kim, its been nearly two years, or maybe it was a few months ago? that doesnt matter now i guess with the very different paths our live have taken us. your in egypt, or so ive heard fro marie. she just texted me out of the blue and we got to talking, or she did for ten minutes and then hung up, leaving me to wonder why shed bring you up with out me wanting her to. its all very confusing, but i guess its for the best right? but im digressing from the hard fought reality of it all. lol. i dunno if i should be laughing at this juncture or not, when my life hasnt really improved by much at all.
oh sure, i was nearly married, had a good shot at actually getting somewhere. but it fell apart in front of my eyes before any of that could really happen. i was devastated beyond belief.got banned from the campus as well for something i wrote on the net to get back at some pranksters. i guess i took it one step further than they did, and well, five or six months later, here i am.
i guess youre wondering, if youre reading this at all, just why in the world someone like me, is writing a message to you, a woman i personally swore i would not have anymore contact with, nor try to get in touch with. same here kim, same here. i guess i be honest, i shuld state that im feeling nostalgic. not the “oh fuck it” way, but in more of the “i wonder” kind of way that makes a person question their actually state of mind.
and kim? ive been doing a lot of questioning about things that, if they happened to a normal american man, should have gone way different. i tried blocking every image of you out of my mind, secluding myself off from the things that wouldve enable me to live a normal life. the events in question dont matter to me much anymore, it seems justl ike one big ball of confusion just waiting to be solved one miraculous day. i hide it away in a part of my mind that tends to forget these kinds of things.
lol, im starting to sound like one of those private gumshoes by this point. oh well. but as ive said, ive been doing a lot of questioning. not only about why i let things progress to the very level they did, because in all actuality, it was my fault from the very beginning. shouldve never joined eds acting class that semester. should occupied my time with something else… there are a LOT of shoulda woulda coulda moments floating around there that dont make much sense to me.
not only things about you, but others that ive let my sometimes obsessive mind get latched onto. ive questioned my very existence, and what actual point there is to keep living. ive questioned why i am the way i am, ive psychoanylized the last five or six years from every possible perspective millions of times while occupying my time with menial tasks. but the answer was always the ame kim. every single time.
the fact is, that the events were unavoidable, that it was ismply coincidence that i let my feelings get in the way of my learning, and that nothing could change that. if not you, than most likely somebody else, and maybe the events would have led to one thousand other possbilities which wouldve led to one hundred other endings.
maybe im just supposed to be this way, ridiculed by the world for not following along a straight and narrow path, simply tapping away at my keyboard because i can find nothing better to do with my time. prevented marrying by the very laws and nature of existence itself, because i am destined to do great things, simply by this.
or maybe im just folling myself into believing a ridiculous thought like that. people have died, animals have died (by their own ways), events have come to pass that would seemingly be ignorant of me to ignore and ive grow a little ways. ive lost seemingly a revolving door of friends in the process of discovering that maybe i am supposed to become this way. after all, i can only simply blame myself for my own current predicament, cant i?
i am secluded, still at home, simply by my choices that have led up to this point in time. it wouldnt seem very fitting of myself if i kept the reasons why i have chosen this way of life from you, so i guess i could unveil a few things. my fear of you, or trying to find you again, there by indulging in my own heartbeats wishes. i decided to seclude myself, no job, as to not have anyway of funding any possible trips to find you. no drvers license, to limit myself to where i could go.
well, i do believe that this has bee long enough. so if you read this, then you read it, and if you dont, then, i shall simply be content in the fact that ive written this. and maybe my troubling thoughts will simply go away in due time.