Right now folks, something is amiss in our country, something horrid, disgusting, mutating like a festering disease in all its poverty. You want to know what that something is!? It’s the state of Pumpkin Pie’s mental dissent into a gooey, scrumptious, distasteful massacre from the bowls of Hell itself! Did you know that right now, dark, evil forces with anti-semitic, Owen Wilson worshipping ideals are infecting our Countries most revered Thanksgiving day treat? Oh it’s true.
Just ask Hauptman, local Hesperian, desert eating fanatic, and world’s biggest jerk. He’s seen it all, he knows what’s out there, and why we should avoid it.
But the question is… can we trust him?
I sat down with the down troden, hyper depressed, lunatic, you all know as my stalker. And it seems, that he’s the only one insane enough to take a bite out of Pumpkin Pie’s disease.
Hello Hauptman, it’s nice to see you in the daylight for once, instead of in my trash at night.
Right it is. By the way, you need to eat more veggies, I spent half of last night-
I don’t think the public really wants to listen to your yammering Hauptman. Tell us all about the evil’s of Pumpkin Pie.
Well, its a Government conspiracy you see! They’re putting floride in the pie filling! It’s true! Just look at the barcode for yourself! After a while, It seems like a skull and cross bones. Don’t you believe me!? ITS THE ONLY WAY! I HAD TO ROOT THROUGH YOUR TRASH, BECAUSE THEN THEY CANT FIND US!
Calm down, I’ve called the police, the insane asylum, and everythings going to be okay… for me. You, they’re pretty much going to rape you with a shotgun and pump you full of hot steaming lead from the inside out. Is this okay?
Whatever, the pie fillings the key! It’s always been the key! Just think about it! Okay! Man! Seriously! Man! Seriously! It’s all about the pie filling. You think that’s Triptophan making you fall asleep while the men in black pillage our minds for Commie plans to take over Thanksgiving!? You think you’re safe!? NO ONE’S SAFE FROM THE PUMPKIN PIE FILLING! NO ONE!
So you’re truthfully admitting that you are insane. Tell me about your child raping habits Hauptman, how’ed you get caught?
What? I never raped any kids man! I’M TELLING YOU! IT’S THE PIE FILLING! IT’S MAKING YOU ACT LIKE THIS!
Apparently, you posted a link on Youtube, 4chan, every sick gathering place for unamerican bastards like yourself to get their jimmies off to! Tell me, what made you kill your boss, your girlfriend, and your so called pet “Giant purple bunny rabbit named Harvey”, if I’m reading this correctly.
Harvey is real man! He’s fucking real!
Of course he is.
It’s the pie filling man, its full of drugs that makes whatever the Government doesn’t want you to know, seem like a cruel joke in this unapologetic world we’re living in!
I apologize that you feel that way, now moving back to the case where you “Raped and Hulk Fisted a school bus filled with young children, right in front of all their parents.” Wow… Okay. So are you claiming the pie filling, filled with floride, made you have sexual relations with children? Or is it simply because that is what you want to do in your time away from prison, when you’re not torturing small animals in your spare time? these are some pretty heavy accusations Hauptman.
Harvey is real! Why won’t you believe me! He’s my Coke dealer!
Hauptman, do you even know what Coke is?
Yeah! It’s a soft drink. Pie filling man! It’s the pie filling!
Shortly after we finished with the interview, Hauptman repeadtedly tried molesting a two foot tall statue of the In ‘N’ Out Burger Boy. However, we were able to prove just one truth about Hauptman, one startling piece of evidence, that completely, utterly, and without question, defines that this man, is no more innocent, than a perverted psychopath caught with the still beating heart of an old man, cradled in his hands.
Beware people, for should you ever encounter this sick individual, run for your very lives.