okay, i admit it. everyonce in a while, i sstill think about her. just every once in a while. they say you never truly forget your first actual true love. its very true. i mean, after the shit she pulled on me, i should still be furious at her. but i cant help it. i am who i am. disposition to forgive or not. she was my first chance at happiness. my first fiance, my first a lot of things. i see her face everywhere from time to time, and it ticks me off that im not able to truly get over her.
i fucking hate it. i hate the way thinking of her simply makes me feel weak and useless, like everything ive accomplished since then is absolute shit. that she makes me feel like im nothing with out her smiling face.
fuck her. fuck that fucking bitch in the face with a tire iron! i was doing well long before i met her, and iver done pretty fucking well long after the fact she no longer loved me surfaced. that i was just some fucking tool for her… “i love you forever and you fuck some other guy?” wow… that fair. that fair that every night i can only think of her when im lonely, i can only see her body because hers IS the only naked female body ive ever seen thus far. and sure, there have been other, but none like hers. and i hope never again to see her.
still makes me feel like i should be angry at everything, because of the way she completely fucked me and the family over. “IM GETTING MARRIED!” “pow mothafucka! NO!” that shit went over like a douchenugget factory. im so fucking pissed offevery single fucking time i think of her. its not fair, i wished so many times that id never met her, or noticed her. what good has come of it? honestly?
its my fault in the end. my own mind plays fucking tricks on me just to see if im paying attention or not. and then she pops up in my mind, telling me that without her, im fucking useless. the scary part is that fourteen percent of the time, i believe her. iwow, this coffee is fucking me over big time.