I shouldnt remind myself… but i cant help it,.

okay, i admit it. everyonce in a while, i sstill think about her. just every once in a while. they say you never truly forget your first actual true love. its very true. i mean, after the shit she pulled on me, i should still be furious at her. but i cant help it. i am who i am. disposition to forgive or not. she was my first chance at happiness. my first fiance, my first a lot of things. i see her face everywhere from time to time, and it ticks me off that im not able to truly get over her. 

i fucking hate it. i hate the way thinking of her simply makes me feel weak and useless, like everything ive accomplished since then is absolute shit. that she makes me feel like im nothing with out her smiling face. 

fuck her. fuck that fucking bitch in the face with a tire iron! i was doing well long before i met her, and iver done pretty fucking well long after the fact she no longer loved me surfaced. that i was just some fucking tool for her… “i love you forever and you fuck some other guy?” wow… that fair. that fair that every night i can only think of her when im lonely, i can only see her body because hers IS the only naked female body ive ever seen thus far. and sure, there have been other, but none like hers. and i hope never again to see her.

still makes me feel like i should be angry at everything, because of the way she completely fucked me and the family over. “IM GETTING MARRIED!” “pow mothafucka! NO!” that shit went over like a douchenugget factory. im so fucking pissed offevery single fucking time i think of her. its not fair, i wished so many times that id never met her, or noticed her. what good has come of it? honestly?

its my fault in the end. my own mind plays fucking tricks on me just to see if im paying attention or not. and then she pops up in my mind, telling me that without her, im fucking useless. the scary part is that fourteen percent of the time, i believe her. iwow, this coffee is fucking me over big time.

confidential stuff is confidential…

For the past few weeks I’ve been writing a separate blog about the goings ons of a group of friends of mine. I don’t use last names, or go into explicit detail about personal issues. I do however, for the sake of relieving confusion about what the hell is exactly going on, reveal some of the more important aspects. Yay! I’ve got something to write about again, and all for the exception of one person, they don’t seem to mind. I’ve told them im doing this, and they don’t seem to mind. blogging is one thing, that I just try to find the fine line between what’s going on and what I shouldn’t be telling people. Which is really hard when there’s just SO MUCH FUCKING STUFF going on that I would like to talk about more openly, but at the same time, try to respectfully respect them in that respect. 

But how do I go about writing about what the big topic of the group is? Easy, just write about it really. And I can tell that the groups main focus is one of our members choice regarding a personal matter. Now far be it to just blatantly say “YOU DID A BAD THING AND NOW WE ARE ALL SAD BECAUSE OF THIS!” Which, I have done on a few occasions myself. I have to be fair and honest without going so far overboard that the person I’m writing about htinks I’m just being a giant asshole. And yes, I am very guilty of doing that with my dealings of hauptman111, or as he is truly known, uTwin weod, even though he won’t fess up to it. 

My point is that when someone tells me something in confidentiality, I don’t go telling another person about it because they asked me what we were talking about. Writing it out is a process, that for sometime has been both a treasure trove and a burden to me at times.

Will people get ticked sometimes because they don’t agree with what I have to say?
Of course!
Will some other poeple agree with me, just to agree, yes.
And will there be people out there who think all of this is bullshit they wasted their time because, hey, what else is there to do at this time of the day anyway?
Of course. 

The point being that no matter what angle I take on a subject, there will always be both rewards and punishments, even if they’re far off into the future. It sometimes boggles my mind at this process, which is largely why I haven’t been regularly writing posts. Sometimes the story takes precedence, other times, I just don’t have the time to write a drawn out post. 

Speaking of which, if you haven’t yet subscribed to my two newest blogs “Fun times” and “Alan’s movies”, links will be provided at the bottom of this post! 

1. Alan’s Movies

2. Fun times

todays a new day!

Okay, well…. Let’s see what else I can write about today. Well, I can tell you about the complex, there’s a good start. It’s a pretty cool place, I’m not sure how the apartments are laid out room wise, I think it’s two places per unit or something. But it’s over by the post office. Anyways, the place has a playground, a pool, ect. But they aren’t accepting anymore tenants under the age of 55, i think that’s the way you spell it.

Okay, remember when in my last post I mentioned the twinidiots Jon and Christi? Well, turns out they’re more trouble than their worth. To help you understand just how bad these two are around the gorup, I’ll have to start at the beginning.

Bruce, Melissa, and Jess and her family live in the complex at two separate apartments. Well, as I stated before, Jon and Christie fight a lot. And with three kids in the place as well as two people that won’t stop fighting, theres bound to be Hell to pay. Anyways, it all came to a head when their fighting got a little out of hand, and shit just fell apart. After a few days, I was contacted by Melissa and she asked my opinion on what she should do about these two jack wagons.

After some thought, I told her to kick the two out of her place, for the saftey of the children. Then I asked her which was more important, her friendship with the twinidiots or the saftey and happiness of her family. She chose her family of course, and booted them the fuck out of there faster than Hell on a downward oil slick. 

That seemed to alliviate most of the stress, getting the two of them out of there. But their stuff remained, and the two of them make demands of Jessica and the couple every so often. This irks the crap out all of us in the group. Anyways, they’ve been updating me on all the happenings between mah visits, and of course, Jon and Christie always seem to pick the days when I’m not there to make trouble. I’m not saying that they can’t handle themselves on their own, but shit always seems to go down when I’m not there.

Anyways, this is the latest stuff I heard from melissa, which I will be quoting her with her permission:


Dipshits were here but left on the 1pm clock bus with Jessica. Dipshit Jon had me in tears because of the usual stress. They’re fighting like always I told them that we just got our case closed with CPS, we didn’t need them back in our lives, and the cops would get called on them again. Fought some more outside, I was so upset that i punched the walls, and had trouble breathing because of it all. 

Dipshit Christie called me from Jessicas phone. I just remembered Christie wanted Jessica to by her a phone for her birthday, also Dipshit Jon, but Jessica told her no. Then Dipshit Christie asked Jessica for her old Verizon phone and if it couldn’t be found, to buy her one. They showed up last night but didn’t stay the night, since he wasn’t doing to well and ended up in Desert Valley Hospital, she stayed the night at Jessicas until this morning when Jon got here.”

 That is a direct quote on one of the many incidents they have to deal with. Breaks my heart to heart about that. Anyways, eventually I’ll have some video of their dumbassedness to show you what I’m talking about. Meh, till then, quotes will simply have to suffice.

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