I feel invisible…

I can’t seem to tell if it’s just the way I’m aging, or if I’m actually kinda losing my mind. I’m staring a cup of coffee, black, no creamer, and I’m instantly snapped to focus on something else. As if the urge is telling me that I’m out of focus, out of energy, that I need to get back to the basics of who I was before the internet came along and shrouded me in the never ending parade of stupidity, videos, and various little obsessions that never amount to much more than a bad headache and lost time.

I can’t really put a finger on it, or maybe I can. I’m trying to search for something, anything to write about that isn’t main stream, that makes me invisible for the time being. Almost like I’m forgetting something. Something near and dear to me, something that’s always at the edge of of my thoughts, just past where the light of creativity touches, something forbidden. I don’t know what that is though, like a writers block almost? you know that feeling where you take a hard look at your life in the moment, and you think, just where the fuck am I right now?

I’m at that point, and whether I like it or not, I have a following, a slightly small one, but a following none the less.
Maybe I’m just too serious?
Too ridiculous?
Too… Me?
But I look at the posts I’ve made in the past, and wonder at what I was aiming for when I wrote those. And half the time, I’m too terrified to go through them to edit, because maybe I already know what’s lurking in the darkness of my memory of that time? An indirect trauma, a lashing of forgotten nightmares, so pent up inside a few trigger words that I might scream for help for nothing more than a few digitized words?

I don’t know if I’m being overtly dramatic or what not, but that’s honestly the way I feel when I look at a blank post, a clean slate for that precious few minutes wherein the only thing I need to worry about isn’t making a video, or starting a live stream, or even dealing with the dramas and annoyances of the discord server. It’s just a visceral feeling, like your mind finally feeling free, released, relaxed and in its own way, creative at long last.

It’s a kind of zen in a way, a way to unwind, letting your thoughts melt away into the ridiculous depths of your own psychosis, your own psychological instability directing the way you travel. Eventually you’ll get to the heart of the matte,r and no matter how much you trumpet your intentions, there’s always one thing or another to deal with. I don’t mean to be vague, but the fog of my mind will eventually clear up and we’ll get to the heart of the matter rather quicker.
I guess I’ve always been this way, meandering thoughts, loosely connected by little tidbits here and there of faceted reality that might not otherwise be known to the outside observer. But wander away we must. Not that I’m trying to figure out a deep meaningful story, or waste your time. I’m just traveling my own path, and if for some reason you seem to be aligned with me, for whatever length of time, then I guess we’ll be travelling together.

I don’t usually get into the habit of deep intellectualism, or intelligent discourse, or something more than the garden variety idiocy that I’ve come to accept as part of of my everyday life. I just like writing, the way the click of the keyboard matches up in an awkward way with the music eventually. I know that I’m going to run out of things to talk about, or write about, or I might simply get distracted yet again.
It’s a worrisome habit of mine. And I do rather like taking the scenic route to reach the heart of the matter. But I like it, there’s no rush, no demand on my time, nothing of the sort. In fact, regarding the discord and Youtube and twitter weirdness, the fervor of the fan bases, the dumbed down regency of the varying users that tend to try and make my life a living hell… You don’t notice it here, on this blank slate of a blog post, you are truly in your own head.
Truly without a companion in the writing sense, and yet, sometime in the future, after I’ve posted and forgotten about this, a random person will read this, and I won’t even get a chance to thank them. But such is the way of things, and such as they will forever remain.

I don’t get many commenters on my posts, never have. I don’t know why that is, I guess I’ve always been a bit bad at getting a following going, despite what the numbers say on twitter, or vine, or live.me, or Youtube, audience interaction is always low. I don’t really have access to engaging topics, or even entertaining stuff. I just have to make do with my own quick witted mind and hope that’s enough…

In the end, I am alone, on my own. And while it does on occasion depress me, I never that I’ve got friends that are just a phone call away, or even fans that I can tweet at for a quick conversation. Although they only want a fan sign, or a video, or something of that meaning, they are kids, so I shouldn’t judge them too harshly. All I know is that I’m far stronger than I was when I first started writing. though I’m mostly just flailing in the darkness, I know that eventually something or someone will latch onto me.

After all, we bloggers are a lonely bunch.

Aren’t we?

 

 

 

 

 

@ Colossal and Crazy thing…

I’m in a pensive mood… I would’ve tweeted this out, but there’s not much point in repeated tweeted and filling up things… I dunno. sometimes I’m a bit harsh on myself because I think I’ve got a leg up, and then I screw myself over with one stupid comment, I actually don’t now what the hell I want out of life. But then there are these weird moments, weird flashes of popularity that confuse me in major ways… I’m not sure if they were all trolling me, or if something was genuine, but I don’t want to over think it. Or do I? After all, I randomly, and by chance got mistaken by Daniel Keem for ColossalisCrazy, and then I have my past coming back to haunt me, like something trying to push me back down into this hole… It seems rather altruistic and self fulfilling, that if left to my own devices, I screw things up at some point.

Is this introspection on a level that I’m not aware of? Is there a level of fame that I’m comfortable with? Or do I just not care after a while to the point of simply abandoning one thing? Whatever the reason… I just don’t like it when people try to bully me… And yeah, Daniel’s stuck in my mind for the time being, way too brash, bulldozing, and when he wasn’t getting the response he was looking for he tried … This pointless and ridiculous, and way too insulting to my integrity to be talking about him…  It’s just what he wants. What they want…

A few things just stuck in my craw, a few thing he brought up that gave me pause, but then a bud of mine who works as a moderator for pornhub told me something pretty ironic. That for all his posturing, for all his bragging, bravado, his egotistical meandering, his overtly pushy idiocies, Daniel Keem, in the eyes of regular societal views, doesn’t have a job either. In essence, he is pretty much a toxic hire because of the traits that make him famous, are the same traits that potential employers aren’t attracted to… So, by his definition, that me being a Youtuber isn’t a job, that I don’t have a job, he himself is unemployed as well.

Another thing, in the call, Lemme grab the link, is that after I gave him my condolences about his marriage not working out, he told me that the mother of his child, not introducing her as his wife, or girlfriend, simply as the mother of his child, rather strange, still lives with him. So does that mean he had a child out of wedlock? Or was it just a random chance pregnancy? Or did they have the child when they were still married, but later got divorced and decided to stay in the same house for the sake of the daughter?

I dunno, but it must mean that he cares enough to try and make things work out. I guess. Also, it must be expensive where he lives, otherwise he wouldn’t need a second income to maintain the mortgage/bills/rent to stay where he currently living. Oh well, sometimes you have to wonder about these things.

One more paragraph about Daniel, then I’m moving on. I wouldn’t let him control the conversation at all during the podcast, not one bit, in fact, I dare say that I’m rather proud that I even got him to tell a Fan Tale regarding me and my friend blake, although it was a bit insulting, but what do you expect from a guy whose job it is to ramrod his clickbait views down everyone’s throat?
When you think about Daniel Keem as both Youtuber (Remember, according to him, it’s not a job, so he’s basically mooching) and as a Parent, that the one person who will be the most affected indirectly is his own flesh and blood. It’s not hard to assume that his daughter, later on in life, will have access to Youtube and become curious as to her fathers profession. How would she react to seeing his “Work”? Would it be one of admiration and reward? Or, assuming he taught her never to pick on, bully, spread rumors about, or be mean to other kids, react with disgust at each of his videos and try to distance herself from his long shadow?
I don’t write this antagonistically, nor am I trying to get back at him. In fact, outside of his brutish nature and more or less idiotic tenacity, I rather admire his ability to draw an audience, to enrapture their minds and hearts, but most importantly, to hopefully instill the morals and psychologically positive attributes in his daughter that today’s generation of girls needs in order to hasten their own success in the harsh realities of the world.
More over, I sometimes worry that he’ll post something one day that’ll push someone to the edge, than post something again that’ll drive that one person OVER the edge.

I’d never do something like that, I’m way too docile. But, I rather think he needs to take measures to prevent another tragic loss in the Youtube community. We really don’t need a repeat of Christina Grimmie’s tragic end.

The meat and bones of this topic, ColossalisCrazy himself, a rather intellectual, intelligently spoken man with a habit of taking time to work on his videos instead of just slamming them out like most Youtubers do, because of Daniels ineptitude, we got to know each other a little bit, but he seems like the kind of person I definitely want as a friend. Yeah, Blake’s my main bud and writing partner, and I miss him dearly, (He’s just a phone call away, really.) but there’s something enigmatic about Colossal, something that drives home the point that he’s the type of friend to tell you exactly how he feels and at the same time, when you’re at your lowest, do his best to cheer you up as much as his patience would allow.

I admire a bunch of Creators, (Markiplier, Pewdiepie, Jackscepticeye for their energy. Bob and Wade for their hubris and level of chill. Naader for his ability to consume a fuck ton of food. Von for her ability to simply transform herself into a variety of characters. Keem, and Scarce for their reporting tenacity.  Idubbbz for his brutal no apology honesty. Fousey For his ever cheerful nature.) and yes, one might argue that they each have a variety of faults. I would argue back don’t we all?

But none, not a one compare to ColossalisCrazy! you take all the above mentioned Creators, you put em in a blender, and add a bit of snark and snarl with a touch of mercy thrown in for good measure, and boom! You get Colossal, a man who is dogged to hurry up with his uploads by all the impatient dorks who can’t even hold a candle to his caliber of work, he is literally to youtube what Picasso and DeVinci were and still are to the art community today! A Creator who is transformative to the Community as a whole.

While you might think I am blowing smoke up the asses of many of these creators, be assured that I am not. This is my honest opinion, no one is perfect, we are all simply human at our cores. And regardless of how much you like or dislike someone, at the very center of our DNA, we desperately need one another to make sure that everything is in order.

Thank you taking the time to read this. I don’t now how long our paths will run side by side before they diverge, but I will enjoy the ride none the less.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Okay, I got this

i haven’t really written any decent blogs of late because my keyboard has been acting pretty damned funny. Hell, I’ve been so wrapped up in abunch of different things that I haven’t really had time to breathe, between the youtubing, discord server managing and god knows what else, I’ve barely had time or energy to edit part 1.1 of Toro Cancro, and that shit has become pretty damned epic! In truth I’ve been feeling run down as of late, between moving into the garage to make room for all the visitors, dealing with a whole slew of other problems. not to mention that my k key has been acting a little weird. So my opportunities to keep this thing alive are pretty much in the shitter. but I am getting the hang of things.Like how to not to freak the hell out when something’s not going your way… that was solved a while ago. Anyways, there’s this idiot from my past, Chuckles2979, really fun guy, great sense of how to keep a grudge on fire, the kind of guy who’d make a game of bridge with the granfolks seem like a horrible idea. Anyways, guy keeps bringing up shit from the past with his own embellishments… God, I really don’t need to learn how to spell. So this kid, Luke, goes by the name of Cancer420 on youtube, really cool, really talented, makes this awesome tribute vid, admiring and all that, and all of a sudden, 2979 just goes and rips me a new one with this revelation of my past!

Like, WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT!? Honestly, I’ve buried my past for a fucking great reason, because it isn’t the type of thing I actually want to talk about, ever again! Needless to say, I had to go through this guys post and take it apart piece by piece, in the end, he e ends up repeating himself a few times, like that’ll help his case I hope to god I haven’t lost a potentially awesome friend with this idiot running his fucking mouth like that. And yes, I get that my K key is acting the fool. At this point, that’s not the point.

I’m kind of tired of this whole thing coming back to bite me in the ass, every time I’ve moved past it, someone wants to rub it in my face. It was six years ago, I’d rather not go through all those memories again and again, and it’s actually pointless. I’m trying to get everything that’s stuck behind a miles worth of bullshit out in the open, I have this terrible habit of not blowing through all the crap to get to the heart of the matter, also, let’s talk about this constantly having to scroll the fuck down to see just what the shit we’re up to writing! This is just fucked up, more ways than one! It’s like WP.com wants us to stop our thought, hit the wheel, then resume our thought train like nothing was wrong.

Um, excuse me, but my train of thought is lie a hyper charged Japanese rail gun train, that shit ain’t stopping for nothing, and even though half my posts content is just random bullshit I throw in there, there’s got to be a way to not feel like I have to stop at every fucking page, and scroll down. Hell, you don’t see a fucking marathon runner stopping just because they have a dinky little glass of Gatorade do ya? NO! They splash that shit on their face and they keep moving the hell on!

But like I was saying, what happened at Victor Valley College was just the err of youth and inexperience. I’ve always had a hard time moving on from one thing to another, even though my day to day focus is more or less a rapid fire exchange of this conversation:

Brain: “Hey, let’s do this today!”
Mind: “Fuck you, I’m doing this!”
Ass: “I’ve gotta shit like a whale blows water out its head!”

It’s more or less like that. At all times. I don’t have ADHD, what I do have, is a massive list of shit to do and not enough Doc Brown DeLoreans to go around so I can get that shit done. Maybe I’m over reacting to a slight annoyance that I almost feel like i’m being eternally punished for something that doesn’t matter to me any more. … I don’t want to go through all that pain in the ass stuff again. I’m already shy as hell as it is, and the fact this guy is spreading my personal business around is fucking ridiculous. I’m not mad or anything, I just want the chance to talk it out with him, see what the fuck is going on in his head, and if it turns out to be Daniel, good god am I going to rip his ass a new one… Not Keem, Hogg. I swear to god I’m so fucking ticked at them both, but I give no shits either way… It has been waaaaaay too long since I’ve written a proper blog post like this, where I’m just free and clear to write whatever the hell is on my mind. Seriously, I could do this for as long as I have the concentration to do it, and do it for near three hours to clear my head? Oh dear god, that would be absolutely amazing.

Anyways, I’ve been so distracted with a bunch of different things that I’ve become scatter brained, and I guess that’s the word I’m looking for, scatter brained. I’m not sure people like my posts, or just read half a sentence, decide not to finish em, or whatnot, but I guess that’s alright in the long run. I try not to care too much… I know for a fact that there IS a minor slice of my subs/followers that DO watch all the way through,and I guess that’s a good thing. but, hey, that’s life. We live in an increasingly distracted era where if you ain’t doing what other people like, then to them, you’re absolute shit. That’s only around fifty or sixty percent of the peeps. Art and originality are dying. Slowly falling the way of copy cat artists trying to slam a buck or two together because they’re terrified of the ramifications of trying to blaze their own trail. It’s a ridiculous mindset in its own factual honesty…

Speaking of Originality or factual honesty… Let’s talk about Keemstar, or Daniel Keem for a second. Actually, let’s watch me own the shit out of this idiot, the moment he stops talking for a good ten or twenty seconds is the moment where he is entirely focused on just what he accomplished by posting a certain video about teen boys and their surfing habits.

The Fall of the KeemStar

In fact, Yeah, let’s talk about him. #Daniel #Keem, is a “News Anchor” Type Youtuber, in which he reports on the drama between Youtubers. He’s not an offical journalist, he’s not even a reporter. Just a guy, with a mike, a bag of pop corn, and a skype and discord connection. I’m not even sure what the fuck he was thinking when he tweeted this little gem, but I get it, it was a troll! In his words, he called it a troll, but I call it indirect controlled harassment.

It doesn’t matter… We are each made the person we through our various thoughts, wills, and actions. If we are so inclined to be the person that walks the darker path, knowing that we have abandoned the light in search for a darker route to fame and riches, then who are others to claim that they are the leash which pulls us towards the paths end?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here’s what new!

Holy shit, I’ve got a lot to update y’all on! first off, my YT channel has blown  the fuck up, last we talked it was in the 100 sub range, now it’s at 327 and slowly growing by the day! I mean HOLY FUCK! and on top of that, I’ve got a massive fan base that love the shit out of the stuff I post, I mean engagement and retention just fucking suck all over, but ya know what? They love my stuff anyways. It’s like the family i never knew I had!

On top of that, my Twitter folowers have gone from, I dunno, 1000 to around 1411? It’s a weird experienc,e but i love it all the same! I mean my own real life stuff will come when it comes, but i just wanted to update you on a bunch of different things, and hoefully let my mind kind of wander around a little bit. Anyways, a couple of high profile youtubers are following me, including Colossal is Crazy, and a bunch of people in the COd community! this is isane! seriosuly! If you had told me a few years ago that i’d be this fucking popular on a few websites, I’d’ve kinda laughed. but holy shit, it is a steady fucking progression and now with live streaming, it… is still pretty fucking insane. I’m not sure how well this’ll spread on wordpress, but at the same  time, it’s time i got back into the habit of, well, doing something with my time when I’m not live streaming, podcasting for god knows how long.

Another new thing is discord, it’s only been out for a few months, but already, I’ve been able to get a neat little server going, the first time around with 100 members at its peak, but we had a breach of security, and shit went down. Luckily we were able to recoup the losses, and get a majority of our previous members back onto our server, but there are still a few of them out there, that well, for the most part we aren’t able to locate. Currently we’re at 58 members, maybe more. Sorry, 54 members. We’ve even got a podcast going, so that’s a thing! anyways, writing’s going well, even got a book published out of the whole mess as well!

If you’re interested in joining us, we’d love to have you guys! Here’s the invite link!

 

%d bloggers like this: