I can’t stop the tears…

I’m so tired of it all… So tired of the chase, the constant failure. The level of growing regret, so tired of it… I’m sick of choosing the harder path because of some stupid morale code that tells me the harder way is better, and why is that? Why is the harder way better? Through hard work comes regard? Spare me… spare the stupid rhetoric. spare the mercy or the pity, I’m jut so damned tired. worst of all, I can’t stop the tears that never flow… I wish for the love of god that I could cheer myself up right now, that I could just snap out of it.

I had a great date tonight with my long time friend. I’ve always held an interest for her, something in which the end goal might be unattainable or near impossible to accomplish, but that again, this is nothing new to me. I’m used to this kind of thing. but than again, being 22 years old, she has more important things to worry about that my hurt feelings. Because I’m afraid to speak my mind, to let her know that sometimes she says stuff that’s mind numbing and stupid. I can only respond in weird ways that would make her laugh. I can’t stop the tears that never come. And they never do, just something I’ve gotten used to… I work so hard, and for so long without a girlfriend, without a relationship, constantly tell myself that they aren’t worth the time or distraction… And here I am, perusing yet another unattainable goal. I have no fucking clue how close or far away I am to boyfriend status, and it’s getting to the point where I’d rather just say fuck this bullshit and be alone for the rest of my life.

Than again, its just my panic response, that if I have a good thing, soon to follow must be a bad thing to even it out and reset the madness…

Stupid thought of the day.

I have too many places to write…. I feel somewhat trapped by the number of corners or interruptions that prevent me from accomplishing my goals. I don’t give a fuck about what others have to say in regards to what I post, as I’m pretty used to getting ignored on one level or another. Seems pretty sad when you think about it, but, hey, there it is. I’m like a silent voice, no one really cares what I have to say, and the only way they are able to relate to me is if someone else says something horrid first. I guess that’s what I anted to get out of the way, nothing particularly exciting, just another paste in the wind so to speak. It might sound like pure dumbassery, but that’s reality.
It’s not fun, it’s not great. It kinda sucks, and it’s filled to the brim with people who would see you torn down because of some unforeseen sadness in their own life, or because they think its funny.. Always stay strong, no matter what the odds are. don’t pay too much attention to the outside world, because once you do, you end up figuring out that it’s mostly just bullshit and lies. I’m not trying to be an idiot here, just putting my thoughts out into the void. It’s a strange bit of love here and there that makes sense most days.
But, then again, who the hell am I to say what to do with your life? go out, make mistakes, bad choices, and live life like no tomorrow. Easier said than done.

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