I can’t stop the tears…

I’m so tired of it all… So tired of the chase, the constant failure. The level of growing regret, so tired of it… I’m sick of choosing the harder path because of some stupid morale code that tells me the harder way is better, and why is that? Why is the harder way better? Through hard work comes regard? Spare me… spare the stupid rhetoric. spare the mercy or the pity, I’m jut so damned tired. worst of all, I can’t stop the tears that never flow… I wish for the love of god that I could cheer myself up right now, that I could just snap out of it.

I had a great date tonight with my long time friend. I’ve always held an interest for her, something in which the end goal might be unattainable or near impossible to accomplish, but that again, this is nothing new to me. I’m used to this kind of thing. but than again, being 22 years old, she has more important things to worry about that my hurt feelings. Because I’m afraid to speak my mind, to let her know that sometimes she says stuff that’s mind numbing and stupid. I can only respond in weird ways that would make her laugh. I can’t stop the tears that never come. And they never do, just something I’ve gotten used to… I work so hard, and for so long without a girlfriend, without a relationship, constantly tell myself that they aren’t worth the time or distraction… And here I am, perusing yet another unattainable goal. I have no fucking clue how close or far away I am to boyfriend status, and it’s getting to the point where I’d rather just say fuck this bullshit and be alone for the rest of my life.

Than again, its just my panic response, that if I have a good thing, soon to follow must be a bad thing to even it out and reset the madness…

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