Why it seems like I give no fucks.

I used to go with the flow on these things, not like, “Hey, here’s a thought, but now it’s connected to peanut butter!” And yet, here I am, trying to make a great post, but I know it’s impossible to make a great post, because unless the ideas within that post, ring true for other people, or a significant number of people, then, your post remain irrelevant, which is a word that sticks in my head and hurts my feelings.
Well, I dunno why. I used to care about having large numbers on my social media accounts, used to care about needing validation from people with larger numbers than me, I used to write posts that attempted to reach out to those very same people in the slim hopes they might read, ingest, and act on the advice there in, but somewhere along the way, and through the constant and maligned anger and irritation from teens and trolls alike, I stopped caring about that need to be famous, that need to be big, that need to have all eyes on me.
Why and how?
Let’s start with the why, and work our way out from there. One of my friends, Ollie, stated that I needed to be relevant, otherwise I’d remain invisible on the internet spectrum. Which, admittedly, made me feel like shit from the whole “Fall in line with us or be left out.” Kind of thinking.
Myself, I’ve always been one to do my own thing, and if people liked it, they subbed, if not, they didn’t. At one point, early on in my experience Youtubing, I was a constant irritating, annoying, outlandish, complete and utter asshole in my first channels videos way back in 2007, there wasn’t anything redeeming at all in those early videos except a few choice instances where I wasn’t a complete asshole.
The need to be popular overrode every intelligent thought in my brain, and I had become overly ambitious, having created a mildly popular Discord Server with just shy of 200 members, always active on some level, never knew just what the flying fuck I was doing, and through repeated rebuilds of the server, as well as other factors, I became disgruntled at the app.
There were other factors as well, but I’m focusing on the prime core ones. I lashed out, and to this very day I’m slowly losing followers and haven’t really grown on my channel passed 438/439 depending on who decides to sub or unsub. Possibly the same person, just repeatedly.
Now, the how.
the how I start giving zero fucks about the numbers, the watch time, or the views.
I just stopped caring, really. I stopped caring about the negative comments, the lack of retweets or likes, or lack of activity, the lack of channel growth, and started focusing solely on myself, what i was interested in, what I chose to talk about. I started focusing on mainly little dumb things, that I found interesting, and if anyone else found them interesting, great! If not, not my problem anymore. It’s all a rather depressing topic for me, since for so long, I let it be a part of my life for so very long. Letting the race for the biggest channel be my goal and what not, and then something amazing happened:
Constantly getting interrupted, or feeling downright ashamed to post any video at all, it really changed my perspective on things. I don’t feel compelled to post a video everyday, because, really, what am I going to post a video on?
One of the many same things I’ve stated in the past?
On cooking?
On whatever dumbass thoughts I have at the time which will, no doubt, get interrupted by any number of things, making me completely forget what I was talking about in the first place?
While writing this noted truth hurts like the dickens, it’s something that must be done, a venting of anger and rage against the one of the few subjects i hold near and dear to my heart, and to vent that anger hurts like no other hurt.
Relationships failing?
Not getting into the Navy?
Failed engagements?
Groups of friends ghosting me?
Those hurt too, but this? this?
the talk of one’s own presence in the public eye in the world of entertainment, one’s own perception of the level of their existence, or the distant prospect of one day have a family of their own, the lack of which on any level leads to a decrease in the knowing of their own individual self importance and self esteem can be utterly devastating on said persons self-esteem. Which can lead to a decrease in effective productivity in other areas and so on.
I forced myself to stop caring about the numbers so I can lead a happy life.
The Great Lakes RTC did the work that a thousand internet trolls could not, it broke me, it reshaped me, and though I did not make it through, the lessons of honor, courage, and commitment will forever stick with me.
The internet does not get ot define who I am as a person, it only captures the parts of myself I allow it to capture and nothing more. What you see of me in the internet, can only conjure up a perception of who I am as a person, and unless you’ve actually spent time with me in person or voice to voice, you will NEVER truly know me.

That being said, I’ll just end up posting this on wordpress.

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