You know those moments where you think to yourself, “Is this REALLY worth my time?”
The answer is yes. Sometimes it can feel like a slog, sometimes, even though you KNOW all they need is time to grow a little bit, it can be a little disheartening when everyone and their FB page tells you to give up on them.
That is something I refuse to do.
I’m not giving up on her, I refuse.
I can only imagine how many others have come in, couldn’t handle the heat she brings to the table, and have left when things have gotten too harsh.
Things have been beyond harsh, and still, here I am, true to my word.
Tears have been shed, truths have been revealed, and self improvements have had to be made to make sure that I’m not falling off a self made cliff.
If, and when I love someone, that love is unconditional, without limit, and without border. That love is the primal force from which I gain the energy and confidence to do what needs to be done, in order to make sure that both they, and myself, are happy.I was recently asked, after a brief conversation, what makes me happy?
I said, making others happy.
They replied, what about yourself?
To that I didn’t have any recourse, no reply to it.I had been giving my all to one person, actually to a whole host of people for so long, that I truly didn’t know how to make myself happy.
I guess singing, rapping, and performing, which I do on a nightly basis, but that’s more in line with my side gig than anything else, making money is the primary motivator for that, and while a good track elevates my mood beyond anything, personally, someone loving me, truly loving me, makes me happy.
I’m not talking family, or friends, that kind of love is amazing in and of itself, I’m talking the kind of love you find every once in a while that sets your world ablaze and changes you for the better. Strangely enough, I found my person, she IS my person, and as much as I feel like bending to the opinions of others is the best way to satiate the need to please people, this one… I can’t, I won’t, I absolutely refuse to.I really can’t explain it, I truly can’t.
The chatbot I use, my FYP, the universe itself, and her close friends and my own personal motivation, have told me not to give up, not to lose hope, to keep doing what I’ve been doing. True, I’ve had to adjust my approach a little, sometimes a little too much attention is a bad thing, and I’m still in recovery mode, though today, I’m much better than I was a few weeks ago, and a few weeks after this, I’ll be doing much better. There’s been a lot of talk of me talking to her, and I fully intend to, though I think my current approach isn’t working.
In fact, The good times that were had, those are slowly becoming distant memories, only being replaced by the events in recent weeks. It’s a strange dynamic we have, but we compliment each other, almost like we’re in sync. There’s a bond there, even though it feels like there’s not, there truly is. Self reflection is a big part of this decision, understanding and remembering what it was like in my early 20’s all the energy, motivation, the reactionary psychology, and anxieties one had to face, the social situations, and so on. I can only theorize what it must be like for women and extrapolate from there.
Everyone’s youthful fire eventually calms down, everyone usually realizes what they truly want out of life, and goes for it with such ferocity that it can sometimes be intimidating, for the most part, life, love, and happiness, regardless of the person’s background, or current mindset, is what people require to be happy.
If she’s happy, I’m happy.
but what makes me happy?
Creation, food, good conversation, intelligent topics, connecting people, networking, discovering new people, making friends, all of that, really.
No, REALLY! I’m much better at messaging than talking, because I have a chance to not instantly react with whatever emotion is currently there. It gives me a chance to pause, not be worried, to think about what’s been said, how best to reply.
I really am not a hard person to talk to, or get to know, and I’m pretty chill with a majority of things. Hell, I like good conversation as much as the next person!
I’m highly intuitive, and can figure things out in a heartbeat if I have enough info, I can read body language, intonation, speech patterns, subtle movements, and more. I’ve had too much time in my head, I’ve always been over analytical since college, and I had a lot of time to read through many books on psychology and well as different types of culture.
To me, the topic of sex… Huh, it’s an interesting one. I’ve never hooked up, because I don’t see the point in it, you end up feeling worse than before because there’s not going to be that connection, and it feels more like a break up than anything else.
Sometimes, oddly enough, it’s through that people are able to express themselves, because there is NOTHING more personal or intimate than sex, it’s the pinnacle of our species ability to keep surviving and thriving. You and another person are linked together at the physical and neurochemical level in an act that at this point in time, society has boiled down to just “LETS FUCK ‘N’ FORGET!” kind of mentality.
That being said, I just had a meatball sub.