like touching yourself with a tazer set on “burn baby burn!”

alright ye little wee corn children of the price is right! ye who would
unsettle the british colonies with yer paris hiltons and nicole richies
blowup dolls, yer lubricant of stars and yer ghost busters labels
flyzappers! ye, are the scurge of the world, you ungratefule, self
centered wee little scottish terrors…terrirers… bill clinton!

now…
i dont have beer, but i dont have cham pog ney. or more simply wine!
which now that i think about it has more of an effect the al gores
version of the price is right…which would somehow include a parady of
bush administration, dick cheneys invitation to a peewee touch football
game hosted by micheal jackson and the plastic surgery five. oh yes…
were running out the gates of this little bitch ON FIRE!!!! YEEE HAWWW!
and i just want to lube the gears of this little terror on the net by
saying the following to the closed minded masses that is the dominican
republic. feck off! yer not doing a bit of damned good ye wined stained
hick billys!

i say hick billes because there are three types
of people in the world (andn o offense to friends of mine that are from
the dominion of dominican repluc. love ya, squeeze ya in the right
place, and have fun with ya allllll night long!

in the mean
time, ive got a headache the size of lord crabby pants mc cormick… i
cant stop thinking about south park at the moment, because its just the
right hting to say after some of the fucking shit ive posted on this
blog of minds… that would make obama turn whiter then micheal
jacksons sister ofter her top was “accidentaly ripped off.” wow. and to
think… she just flashed over 12,000 horny old codgers in there
hawaiin shorts, socks and sandals, and sunglases wondering where the
fuck is the peta group. cause that poodle got pwned… hehe….now were
getting somewhere.

gates of the underworld rejoice! and then
promptly run in terror as you relaize your going to the catholic
religion to get felt up by father brian andthen tossed into the touch
football game hosted by micheal jackson and the plastic surgery five.
and then, just for the fuck of it. youll be adopted by angelina jolie
and be parented by the only woman to make out with ehr brother, sever
ties with her father because hes wondering when hes gonna get some. and
after five years youll get a call from adam baldwin stating that hes
flying over to ireland to straighten your ass out, because according to
him, yourn othing but a distinguishly disgusting little pig with no
manners at all. and even after that, youll still earn your pay by
working for the devil himself. thats right, im tlaking about jay z and
fifty cent combined. donald trump. HA! didnt see that one coming did
you????

ok, enough about the small talk, like i said before,
ive done some and writen some dumb shit in my life. and the worst is
yet to come? why? i dont know… i dont know… i dont know where im
going to go in cocomo. i love that song as well as, “and i ran… i ran
so far away… and i ran… i ran to get away… so i run away..” not
to mention, “if you like penis colada’s… and like getting fucked in
the rain…. then youll love.. getting fucking by ghost rider again!”

speaking
of really really awful movies… has anyone seen peter jacksons king
kong? or was it the one about the midget who has to destroy a rin in a
week or his ex wife will send hordes of orcs to destroy him? sounds
like a parady of spidermans honey moon.

how do you feel? to
treat me like you do? do you knowtice the world around you? how do you
feel? i love this song im listening to right now?

how about
them little monsters up in the american slasher buero? hah! you thought
i was oging to rip on the asb? didnt you?! well your wrong! again! hah!
i fool you again! like anna nicole smiths autopsy report, i will reveal
the true name of my babys daddy… just as soon as jesus comes back
from the kingdom of heaven to take away your money proclaiming that it
will help the lord…and the preachers vampire choir boy problem. cause
they suck…your blood. like al gores inconveinnet truth. and the olson
tiwns eating problems.

or tony danzas drunken slobber fest
with a bad replica of tony danza. he loves himself too much. you ever
wonder why he smiles all the time? its like hes not even human. hes
just a sex god. he like “im impotent! no more!” and he gets harders to
make soft then an al quida crack head with sever leprisy.

amongst
other thoughts in my head that make absolutely no sense to the human
mind whatso ever. isnt there areal reason that donald trump lost his
wig…oh…that his actual hair? i did not know that? i just thought he
superglued a run over possum to his head and called it hair.

in
other news… these fires are making baking a batch of cookies harder
to do then thinking about martha stewart and paris hilton as cell
mates. ones decorating the place while the other just wants to get out
and land her ass back in again. there isnt much to do these days
besides, sit back, smoke a ciggerette and wonder what happened to our
hero the marbollo man? he died of lung cancer… and that made everyone
sad.

speaking of thel ovely little disease called cancer. i
cant think of a worse death then having your body make more cells then
it actualy needs. and thats another hting ive been wondering about.
vaginas. no seriosly, for one of the longest moments in my life…
namely ten minutes, ive actualy wondered about how big they actualy
were. i mean, weve all studied the diagrames right? or namely bad porn
where it just doesnt show anything besides the breasts… fun as they
are to look at. but seriosly, besisdes the effects and what not of the
females period and what not. and thats got to be more uncomfortable
then leaving evidense that something did happen in roswell new mexico.
actualy they did see aliens… but it turned out to be micheal jackson
standing infront of a white light with timmy bending down to pick up a
penny in front of him.

where the hell was i? oh yeah, periods.
the dreaded time of the month where milk sales at the local grocery
store are actualy higher then the kmk between events. its actualy
always facinated me. i mean, do women just gradualy get used to the
pain when the egg is pssing into the uterian wall? as well as the
hormones? which kinda made me wonder if all the female patients in
insane asylums who had shcizophrenia were just on there ugly week when
they went to the dark side of the mind.

and child birth. oh
yes, i knew i would eventualy get to this subject faster then judgito
decision that oj didnt do it with the candle stick in the kitchen with
the professor. at this point im feeling the effects of the wine… and
bhampagne, and the fruit blend. all at the same time. i wonder how many
pages ive written…. anyways. childbirth, that miraculous moment in
time where the mother blames everything on the father… including the
following:

1. lightbulbs
2. monogamy
3. evolution
4. the kids next door movies
5. micheal jacksons abilities to touch children around the globe… in all the wrong places….
6. the light bulbs again
7. the fact that apples do fall on the floor.
8. there own periods.
9. adam baldwin still being in acting.
10. what god meant by the terms “legal prostitution….prosicrution.”

i
actualy do wonder how many pages ive written. well… ive got to get
dressed and out the door. cause ive written this whole thing in nothing
but a robe and my underwear. and i didnt even think wine had that much
of an effect on lil ol me. tee hee!

peace bitches!

and remember. if you dont like what ive written… then … then… your sober.

like microsoft trying to buy yahoo! this is going to take a while to read

hehhehehhehhehehhehe….. its that time again, for another round of drunken blogging with the master of distardation, lol… i miss spelled anotehr word… man thats fun… what the hell was i oging on about? oh well, lets see whats happeneing today? updates! we need to update somethings! i need to update some tings! and justl ike ron howard getting together the funds to make a happydays retrement home reality show, i shall previal! or lose my false teeth somewhere in a gutter next to steven colberts sense of ego. and thats a big ego. some needs to pop it! great now im using exclamation points more often then sylvestor stalone does his ability to speak clearly with out sounding like a drunk hoboken. IT JUST DOESNT GET BETTER THEN THIS!!!!

ive recently joined up on a site named yuwie.com. not yuckie. yuwie. its a site that pays its users depending on the amount of clicks they get. and if your anything like jenna jamesons at the annual fuck a freshman festival at madison square gardens, the more you get clicked, the more you get payed. man im just oging alll over the place today! in other news, ive just started insulting the crap out of all the old folk on matchdoctor who piss me off with there totalitarian grip on the use of proper grammer. much like the oompa loomps use a step ladder to get to the cookie jar on top of the fridge. yep, now were getting somewhere.

the product thats bringing you this fine blog is none other then korbels extra dry champagne, established in 1882, korbel has that kinda of taste llike you just saw paris hilton actualy enroll in highscool only to up in the special ed departments hopless cases class. lol… oh im so evil. remember folks, if you want to slur your words more often then charlee sheen after a four hour beer fest at the local frat house phi delta asshole, then korbels the finest choise for you. also recommended is going the guy who plays oppisite of ben stiller in starsky and hutch remake… which bit ass more times then the jaws sequels and that lousy singer on american idol. she bang, she bang!

im going gun ho on this thing… let the real fun begin like tom cruise explaning that man blazed a trail across the west only to abandon his childhood fantasy of searching for colored eggs in the name of jesus christ. oh wait im confusing that with the johovas witness protection program. eraser starring michael jackson as a tough as nails drunk cop and arnold schwarzzenager as the man child who loves him. coming to theatres in a never never land near you.

lol… im coming up with new insult all the time in this thing! gotta love it. it seems like the more things change the more white dudes go emo and shoot up a school for no apparent reason other then to end up impressing there dead motehrs and then kiling themselves because they didnt get enough love as a child from there over abusive drunken ex father in laws. wow, did i say that? yes. yes i did. in light of the elections i made sure to pay extra special attention to them, kinda like star jones wieght loss trainer who offer her crack as an alternitive to the betty ford clinic. who incidently had something to do with the cruifix being theo nly weapon that might kill vampires. if hit hard enough.

ok that was just lousier then the results of the jon baneigh trail. i mean come on, is it really that improtant that we sit at home watching a court case about some idiot who killed his pregnat wife and watch the horror of these people faces as the sentencs are called out like bad bingo numbers over a loud speaker for the retirement home of the deaf and blind? my god im sounding more and more like alec baldwin.

ok, ive really got to stop over using celebritie jokes like the media over covered anna nicole smiths death. how long do we actually need to know the facts about a slightly drunken fat womans life? who gives a shit about whos the father of her kid? why the hell do i even care? whats the deal with airlines and giving out those little bags of peanuts? ha! went all jerry seinfeld on you.in the day and age where the elections are decided between a drunks brother and the old people who count the ballots in florida, are we, the public allowed just one ounce of mercy from the word? cant the u.n deicded between whether or not casual fridays will remain in effect after mit romny shows up with his seven hundred wives and whores them out to all the ugly people in uganda and more contriversaly the hot chicks in poland, germany, irland, russia, australia, and of course, go out with dick cheney to lunch only to be shot in the face while at he same time being mistaken for a deer? HOW THE HELL DOES A MAN WITH A SHOTGUN MISAKE SEVEN HUNDRED WOMEN FOR A SINGLE FUCKEN DEER??! IT JUST DOESNT MAKE SENSE AT ALL!

ripping hollywood a new one

all that aside, i think the days of our lives should be considered a great break through to prevent blow job cancer. yes blowjob cancer. you heard right, and i write it again, just for the sake of writing the words “blowjob” and “cancer” together in the same sentence. blow job cancer. yes…. i know… take it in for a minute, breathe in… breathe out…. breathe in…and shake it all about. the wonderfull fact about blowjob cancer is that blowjob cancer can come from any one. yes even you fox news channel, the bush administration, and jay lenos chinny chin chin. god i have never written the word blowjob cancer so manytimes. but just to piss the masses off here we go! jenny gave blowjob cancer to kieth richards, who then gave blow job cancer to sarah, who gave blowjob cancer to smith and then gave it to weston who in turn gave it to jenny craig, who gave it to the leage of lazy fat people of america, who gave blowjob cancer to jenna jameson, who gave blowjob cancer to the colledge kids addicted to porn. and among those few lucky people smart enough to get blowjob cancer. they get handjob cancer. HA! and double HA!

or something close to the ramification, where all you see is john walshes head peering out from mr. rogers ear. and john walsh? he scares every one. to death. AND BEYOND! look folks, todays been really freaking traumatic for me, mainly cause ive been put through the ringer emotionally, doesnt mean i cant rip up a few good jokes everynow and then right?

where the hell to start? first off theres the ever important idiot fest known as the oscars, as i stated in a previos blog, ive got less regard for the sick psychological thriller known as the awards cerimony then i do for the upcoming or already cursing theatres everywhere movie musical about high school. god damn it! i hate it to death! and no…. if they follow this up with a new series called colledge musical, i will literally  go to every movie theatre and destroy there copies of the movie. i reaaaaallllly dont care for the series, and i could care less and less for its feel good movie of the year. hell when i was in highschool, i still didnt like going to see musicals. of course, then came phantom of the opera.

and thats the only musical ill ever watch, and be man enough to cry about it.

and of course, we got the econimy to worry about. oh my fucking god, the damned econimy. fuck it, i wrote my ass off about it yesterday or the day before, im not going off on it again. but i want to get across one thing. no i was not put through an emotional ringer. that was keanu reeves. and hes got the emotional range of a tree stump. cause thats where all his acting talent comes from. the earth. he will steal the planets life force in order to get him a nomination for a little golden plastic man! hes…. sephiroth! instead of a giant sword, hell use a giant something else. stephen colberts ego. ha! fooled you again didnt i?

foks, let me tell you something here. it feels good to be bad and bad to be kermit the frog. he has no balls. the puppet has no balls andl et me tell you something else folks, his life force, the one yoda crammed down his little froggy throat, it will not die anytime soon. and the tvs frank show will see to that as the will of god. why did i compare the iwll of god to a great shows lousy character?  BECAUSE I COULD! MWA HA HA HA HA!

all that aside, i think the days of our lives should be considered a great break through to prevent blow job cancer. yes blowjob cancer. you heard right, and i write it again, just for the sake of writing the words “blowjob” and “cancer” together in the same sentence. blow job cancer. yes…. i know… take it in for a minute, breathe in… breathe out…. breathe in…and shake it all about. the wonderfull fact about blowjob cancer is that blowjob cancer can come from any one. yes even you fox news channel, the bush administration, and jay lenos chinny chin chin. god i have never written the word blowjob cancer so manytimes. but just to piss the masses off here we go! jenny gave blowjob cancer to kieth richards, who then gave blow job cancer to sarah, who gave blowjob cancer to smith and then gave it to weston who in turn gave it to jenny craig, who gave it to the leage of lazy fat people of america, who gave blowjob cancer to jenna jameson, who gave blowjob cancer to the colledge kids addicted to porn. and among those few lucky people smart enough to get blowjob cancer. they get handjob cancer. HA! and double HA!

that should satisfy the need to say the words blowjob and cancer too many times, and enough to make me sick. god im getting a bit depressed again… i hate this! i fucking hate it! first im hyper, then im depressed. then im a bunch of different moods….. HATE IT A LOT!!!!!!!

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