OH MY FUCKING GOD

I was thinking about the grand scope of the universe and why it was the squirrels get the best stick in life, like an ACTUAL fucking stick, I mean, if it were an actual FUCKING STICK that’d be questionable, because then you’d see sweet old ladies screaming for their lives with bags of broken crackers, all the while a fuck ton of squirrels with oddly bloody twigs would be chasing her, and you KNOW shit’s about to go down when you see that kind of bullshit happen.

I once saw an octopus. No reason really, it was just there, and I was having the time of my life just looking at this fucking thing, and I was like, “Hey, octopus.” And the thing did say a word, because it has an ass mouth. That’s right, you heard, Octopi have ass mouths, they can be masters of talking shit, because of their ass mouths, and there’s nothing you or I can really do about it.

There’s such a thing as redundant torture, where you do something utterly inane to someone else over a large or short period of time, and they’ll finally be all, “Hey, what the fuck.” All calm like, but you know deep down they’re sad.
Or… something, I don’t fucking know.

Maybe we’re all just in a simulation and the robots are the real players here, because that’d be absolutely amazing, if ready player one wasn’t about the time space-continuum because a vacation inditing the mass roach riot of 20:14 military time, because I like fucking with people’s perception of things every now and then. It’s just a thing I do, you know how I know? Because you aren’t me, and even if you were, I’d still be the one writing this fucking thing, so you can’t stop me no matter who you are!
Yes, I ripped that from Ace venture, which is honestly my favorite movie of all time.

I don’t wonder why time traveling eggs don’t time travel, they’d be too chicken by the end of it. Ha.

Dumb jokes for smart people include:
1. My dating life.
My hair line.
The fact I more famous than a regular potato.
Every knows a regular potota. Or potato.
Fuck pototas. They’ve done nothing for humanity.

Those assholes.
This blog was brought to you by the overwhelming need to fuck around on the interenet and write some weird bullshit that’ll make you question if I’m high or not.
I am 6″5 or six foot five inches. Why does my jaw feel like a peice of toast ready to pop the fuck out of a toaster? Oh yeah, gravity. I keep forgetting that’s a thing.
Kinda like Brangolina. Or Bracheal.
Or Bennigan’s.

Questions for women.

Some of these might trigger, some might not. Don’t know, but there’s your trigger warning.

1. Do you ever think about the fact that physiologically speaking, and if one were ever at WTF levels of kink, your urethra and your birth canal are separate?

2. As a mother to a daughter, do you ever think of offering advice in regards to materials to stuff ones bra with?
I actually had to think about that last one before moving on.

3. If y’all evolved an ability to shoot out clouds of PMS blood, like squids do ink to escape predators, would you use it?

4. Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and worry that, while yes, your bust to butt ratio is perfect, getting in shape might reduce the fatty tissue in your breasts, therefore obliterating any chance that bottle of Cabernet is going to make you feel any better when the bitchy girl on The Bachelor gets voted off, yet again.

5. Remember, sex is only as good as long as you’re focused on it, so those women with ADHD, theoretically, only enjoy sex in minute amounts in mixture with how you feel about butterscotch candies.
I lost my thought process.

6. Yes, you can get literally married to Jesus, buuuuut your sex life will suffer, you’ll eat alone, arguments will be one sided, you won’t gain or lose anything in the divorce, and sleeping with anyone else besides a bible or wooden cross, while society will consider that perfectly normal, well… Jesus is always watching, and so is his father and the holy spirit. Kinky.

7. I get the appeal of dressing up as a Sexy anything and going to party, every other girl will have the same theme, so perfect camo for avoiding your Ex.

8. To me, if a woman I’m interested in says she’s not interested back, I’ll just accept it as that. Okay, I’ve simply run out of questions here. Conversely, if she tells me that she’s interested afterwards, I have a hard time accepting one evidence over the old and just leave it as is.

9. Why the fuck does ANYONE need to spend over 50 bucks on a dildo? No matter how much you spend on the thing, all dildos, in the end, will have the same effect. You use it, enjoy it, put it away, look at your bank account, and wonder why you’re going to late paying off your next cell phone bill… Not because of buy a $50 dollar dildo… Because of all those nights out with the girls. fuck it, can’t think of a good punchline.

Oh right, fat, thin, obese, normal, whatever shape you are? Whatever size bust you have?whatever level of education you’re achieving, always remember that we live in a society that will ultimately judge you based on your accomplishments, yeah, men kind of have a rip on things at the moment, but just know that eventually, those men in power will pass away, and leave in their absence the opportunity for you to take a spin in that big ol office.
You got this, the question is though, do you have the absolute beast mode to go after it?

Of course you do. Stop doubting yourself already.

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