Women… Phhh

First off, y’all… are strange as fuck.
And, here’s why that’s a good thing.
you are innovators.
you are geniuses.
you are teachers.
You are muses.
you are inspiration.
You are literally the engine that keeps humanity going, and yes, talking about crotch stuff. Well, belly… you know what I’m talking about. TALKIN’ BOUT EJECTING A TINY HUMAN FROM CROTCH HOLE AFTER FUN FUN TIME!
Men are just as insecure about mating as women are about men being insecure about mating.
Here’s the thing, and fun with girl logic memes:
A gal, hanging around with some guy friends, in some cases, has to claim she has a boyfriend, (I said in SOME cases) so that any potential annoying flirts will be knocked away, like a fluffy cat, batting at a piece of string. The string of hope, it dangles. Like old man balls. Bat, fluffy cat, bat.
Getting off track, I honestly have no fucking clue where I was going with this, needless to say, it’s hard for me to transition from friend to boyfriend, because then I get caught up in what’s allowed versus not allowed because then it’s a whole new ballgame, and I’d rather meet someone new with the sole intention of getting with them, and while the friends first thing works out a ton, it just confuses the fuck out of me, because if things don’t work out, and I’m sending you the “go ahead” signal, but you don’t send it back, wtf does the mean?
Try harder?
Stop trying?
Eat at Joe’s?
Where the fuck is Joe’s?
What do they serve?
Are there annoying yelp reviews that I can make fun of?
Most importantly, with women, in this day and age, dating is fucking terrifying, because ya don’t know how the gal is going to react, what the hell is going through her head, and more importantly, what the percentage of success you’re going to have is, I’m not talking how often is it going to end up in sex, I’m simply talking getting to the next date and so on and so forth, especially with the ingrained perception that YOU MUST HAVE AT LEAST THIS MUCH TO EVEN QUALIFY FOR A DATE!
And even then, it’s a fucking mystery as to which women will reply to what messages in what style and that’s another set of SHERLOCK BOOKS THAT TAKES YEARS TO GET THROUGH and the whole time you’re thinking to yourself, ‘The fuck. Could be at home watching porn!’
But nooooooo!
That’s always the wrong answer, porn is never the right answer, unless the question being asked is “How many feathers can I get away with?”
But now you’re just focusing on the feathers instead of the date and that’s how you wind up ordering the Chicken when you REALLY just wanted the steak!

See!?
See what I mean!?
Now I want more chicken.
So, in short, dating is fucking terrifying, I want more chicken, and women are the perpetual motion machines of humanity, because you help slap the stupid out of men. Also, my cat has a furry monoboob… need to get that thing checked out.

Fun Fact: women like sex too!

For the uninformed, this will surprise and shock you to no end!
Worlds will be changed forever!
Societies will crumble and shift!
No, Butterscotch toffee won’t save your stupid man baby brain from shattering into a thousand pieces you fucking idiot.

for the informed:
Carry on as usual.
If you see men screaming in panic, they are the dumb ones.

Questions for women.

Some of these might trigger, some might not. Don’t know, but there’s your trigger warning.

1. Do you ever think about the fact that physiologically speaking, and if one were ever at WTF levels of kink, your urethra and your birth canal are separate?

2. As a mother to a daughter, do you ever think of offering advice in regards to materials to stuff ones bra with?
I actually had to think about that last one before moving on.

3. If y’all evolved an ability to shoot out clouds of PMS blood, like squids do ink to escape predators, would you use it?

4. Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and worry that, while yes, your bust to butt ratio is perfect, getting in shape might reduce the fatty tissue in your breasts, therefore obliterating any chance that bottle of Cabernet is going to make you feel any better when the bitchy girl on The Bachelor gets voted off, yet again.

5. Remember, sex is only as good as long as you’re focused on it, so those women with ADHD, theoretically, only enjoy sex in minute amounts in mixture with how you feel about butterscotch candies.
I lost my thought process.

6. Yes, you can get literally married to Jesus, buuuuut your sex life will suffer, you’ll eat alone, arguments will be one sided, you won’t gain or lose anything in the divorce, and sleeping with anyone else besides a bible or wooden cross, while society will consider that perfectly normal, well… Jesus is always watching, and so is his father and the holy spirit. Kinky.

7. I get the appeal of dressing up as a Sexy anything and going to party, every other girl will have the same theme, so perfect camo for avoiding your Ex.

8. To me, if a woman I’m interested in says she’s not interested back, I’ll just accept it as that. Okay, I’ve simply run out of questions here. Conversely, if she tells me that she’s interested afterwards, I have a hard time accepting one evidence over the old and just leave it as is.

9. Why the fuck does ANYONE need to spend over 50 bucks on a dildo? No matter how much you spend on the thing, all dildos, in the end, will have the same effect. You use it, enjoy it, put it away, look at your bank account, and wonder why you’re going to late paying off your next cell phone bill… Not because of buy a $50 dollar dildo… Because of all those nights out with the girls. fuck it, can’t think of a good punchline.

Oh right, fat, thin, obese, normal, whatever shape you are? Whatever size bust you have?whatever level of education you’re achieving, always remember that we live in a society that will ultimately judge you based on your accomplishments, yeah, men kind of have a rip on things at the moment, but just know that eventually, those men in power will pass away, and leave in their absence the opportunity for you to take a spin in that big ol office.
You got this, the question is though, do you have the absolute beast mode to go after it?

Of course you do. Stop doubting yourself already.

Dear Women, yes… ALL of y’all.

I don’t understand breasts.
Let’s be frank here, and if you don’t like being Frank, there’s always Luanne. Which, I GUESS is kind of the female version of being frank, although, you COULD be Gina, or Gary!
Anyways, I’m not talking about breasts in the kinky way that might make one cringe when thinking about a gal rolling in a dogpile of porcupines…. Fuck it, the crazy train left the station and it’s building up steam, so why not keep going?
Anyways, breasts have always intrigued me, naturally, and in some cases, unnaturally.
I really don’t know where I’m going with this.
What mystifies me the most is how something on your upper torso can cause you to have lower back pain… Oh wait, the additional weight of both breasts, especially with larger chested women, causes slight spinal compression, which puts pressure on the nerves in that area, causes a risk for paralysis and the evolution of shooting nipple lasers.
Wait, no, that’s wrong.
But it sounds FUCKING AWESOME! The niplasers, not the paralysis…
I forget where i was going with this, parttly because my energy drink addled brain is twitchy as fuck, and my dog needed to go outside, so… Yup! something about the inherent natural beauty that women have, adding to the mystique about hte female mind from the male perspective.
Though really, y’all probably want the more assholish guys or gals to stop cat calling you, among other things, like I said, completely blanked on where I was going with this…. I want a bowl of doritos now.
Right, also, to my new followers, sometimes I write random posts, it ain’t always going to be thought provoking… well, it always provokes the thought of why I ever think any of these posts are a great idea.
But, fortune favors the bold… i guess.
Right, boobs serve a function, nutrition, signaling, and if large enough, the absolute destroyer of watermelons… but at what cost?

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