OH MY FUCKING GOD

I was thinking about the grand scope of the universe and why it was the squirrels get the best stick in life, like an ACTUAL fucking stick, I mean, if it were an actual FUCKING STICK that’d be questionable, because then you’d see sweet old ladies screaming for their lives with bags of broken crackers, all the while a fuck ton of squirrels with oddly bloody twigs would be chasing her, and you KNOW shit’s about to go down when you see that kind of bullshit happen.

I once saw an octopus. No reason really, it was just there, and I was having the time of my life just looking at this fucking thing, and I was like, “Hey, octopus.” And the thing did say a word, because it has an ass mouth. That’s right, you heard, Octopi have ass mouths, they can be masters of talking shit, because of their ass mouths, and there’s nothing you or I can really do about it.

There’s such a thing as redundant torture, where you do something utterly inane to someone else over a large or short period of time, and they’ll finally be all, “Hey, what the fuck.” All calm like, but you know deep down they’re sad.
Or… something, I don’t fucking know.

Maybe we’re all just in a simulation and the robots are the real players here, because that’d be absolutely amazing, if ready player one wasn’t about the time space-continuum because a vacation inditing the mass roach riot of 20:14 military time, because I like fucking with people’s perception of things every now and then. It’s just a thing I do, you know how I know? Because you aren’t me, and even if you were, I’d still be the one writing this fucking thing, so you can’t stop me no matter who you are!
Yes, I ripped that from Ace venture, which is honestly my favorite movie of all time.

I don’t wonder why time traveling eggs don’t time travel, they’d be too chicken by the end of it. Ha.

Dumb jokes for smart people include:
1. My dating life.
My hair line.
The fact I more famous than a regular potato.
Every knows a regular potota. Or potato.
Fuck pototas. They’ve done nothing for humanity.

Those assholes.
This blog was brought to you by the overwhelming need to fuck around on the interenet and write some weird bullshit that’ll make you question if I’m high or not.
I am 6″5 or six foot five inches. Why does my jaw feel like a peice of toast ready to pop the fuck out of a toaster? Oh yeah, gravity. I keep forgetting that’s a thing.
Kinda like Brangolina. Or Bracheal.
Or Bennigan’s.

Fucknuggets.

Some days aren’t great, but I ain’t about to fuckin talk bout that shit, let everyone talk about that shit, Imma talk about… well, now I can’t rightly say, or maybe I can, but I don’t want to, so I might not be able to say what I was about to say before the moment where I could’ve said something about something else but now, this is just a recurring loop of broken ideas and stupid logic.
Everyone has stupid logic.
Even birds.
Yes birds, birds have stupid logic.
Not like stupid human logic, but stupid bird logic.
Squirrels are just fucking stupid, regardless of level of intelligence. But don’t discount sharks.
Fuck sharks.
And spiders.
And clowns.
Actually, fuck any and all combination of the three of those things, because any and all of them are just bad.
really bad.
So bad it makes you think that no matter what, you’re about to find out some shit that don’t make sense, but desperately need to because in a way, Earnest Hemingway did not drink enough.
But then again, stupid Squirrel logic infects everything we do on a level never before seen.
I have not zoomed out.
Not, I have zoomed out, don’t ask why I haven’t zoomed out, maybe I was zoomed in?
Maybe I wasn’t? Maybe I couldn’t be zoomed out or in to save my life, or maybe there’s a need to be more zoomed in than out in this day and age where being zoomed in has more an impact meaning than one would assume.
But you know what they say about assuming things, right?
That donkey’s shouldn’t speed.
Or drive. But they do anyways, because there asses, and they’re a danger to you and me on the road.
Ass Zooming. that’s assuming they know how to drive using those clods hoppers of a hoof on their feet.
But they only have one hoof between all four feet.
Well, they might be transformers.
Hey, we live in a day and age where anyone can be anything or any gender they choose.
I once dated a woman who identified as a ketchup bottle.
Which made sense in a weird way, a way I leave to your imagination, because that’s the kind of logic we’re dealing with here today.
Stupid squirrel spider shark clown bird logic.

Dear Amazon

Since i’ve been working for you for almost a month now, (almost said a Moth, mua ha ha… Why is evil laughter needed!?) I’ve noticed a few things, and I’ve learned a few things:

  1. Your facilities need a way for people to see the sky when working. Hear me out, I’ve done some thinking on this one, at first I was like “Make the cieling a window into our souls!” but then I realized how fucking stupid that sounded and went with the OBVIOUSLY super better awesome of building an FC with the ceiling being covered in large screens, those screens would be connected (Hardwired of course, if you did wifi signal, it’d be easy enough for any assfuck with a whitehat training program to stream porn 24/7 and wouldn’t THAT be fucking amazong?) into a series of upwards facing cameras that would capture the transitions from night to day, giving your FC a future look that’d remind people of HARRY FUCKING POTTER!
  2. Let’s talk about Jams, those fucking things that stop work flow and piss people trying to get their rate up for whatever the fuck reason. Okay, the robosorts y’all have lining the place are fucking amazing, I feel like if you wanted to, y’all could make a prize grabber game that actually doles out the prizes. Anyways, that aside, the problem with the sorter is that it spews out products left and right, and I get that we’re supposed to be fast as fuck boi, but we’re only human, and people can only move so fast, or get distracted by yapping to their friend about the tentidildo they just scanned.
    The problem is the conveyors themselves, they just keep bringing stuff on down like an extra crazy episode of the prize is right, if y’all implemented an AI subsystem that would involve a few sensors here or there and stop at around 12 totes, wait for ten of em to be cleared before sending the next 10 down, you’d find that the sorter stops happen less frequently, and products get to their customers more.
  3. The Rate system, oh my fucking god, this one I have the biggest gripe with. I don’t mind the rate system itself, that fine. what I have a problem with is the fact that in the beginning, I’d be trying to knock out my rate, first thing in the afternoon shift, and suddenly I get waterspidered, which, hey, happy to help out where I can, but at the same time, when the rate system in UR is the determining factor of who stays and who goes, and you never know if you’re going to get waterspidered or not, it gets a bit mindbreaking trying to keep a balance on things. I get that URA’s need to break a certain package amount in order to make rate, but couldn’t the people who decide who gets waterspidered in the first place make it every other day with people they haven’t used?
    Again, all this was explained to me, and I get it, just throwing some quick questions out there. That’s all.
  4. Pre shift and post lunch group huddles need to be a bit more engaging. I get that we’ve got work to do, and I get that everyone’s going to be batshit tired after lunch, but make those huddles a bit more engaging, entertaining, and eye catching. I’m not saying hire and fire Chris Angel on the spot, but hey, that’s be one hell of a MIND FREAK. Anyways, this comes from day after day of watching and struggling to hear the peeps upfront talk about the same things and no one really pays much attention.
    I get it, they’re boring as hell to go through, but at the same time, put some damned spit shine on that sumbitch and make it sing! It’s almost heartbreaking to hear them tap on the mic a few times, beg someone to come lead stretches, and begin with a prepped announcement that reads like a GI82 crapping out graphics for World of Warcraft.
    Announcements are important, and it’s rather unfortunate that people would rather yap their heads off then pay attention to what the higher ups are talking about.
  5. The fucking Vest colors. Orange, Yellow, Neon, Green, Red, and Black. Sometimes pink. This one is a bit of a clusterfuck for those who can’t tell the difference between close, but different colors. Yellow, Neon, and Green. Did you know that there are a crap ton of clashing color combos? They’re pretty fun to mess around with, and I’m sure y’all chose the schemes you did because they offered the most visibility. Anywho, that’s all I wanted to get off my chest for now.
%d bloggers like this: